November, 2004, was the bottom. The problem with the bottom is that, by the time you get there? You've been falling so long that you don't remember how to climb.

Or even if you want to, anymore.

I never realized, as I blogged about it, that the thing that would most connect my words to the world would be neither my "corporate" self nor my "mommy" one - it would be that of a woman loving someone through the long, slow pain of recovery.

But even after all these years, it's the one thing that brings emails to my box, and pings to my instant messenger. I was talking today with a friend who is just in the absolute shits of something like it and I kept wishing I had the words to make it better.

Words don't make it better.

It sucks that the bad guy looks exactly like the person you love. It sucks that the craziness can seem so sane that it makes you wonder if you've got it all backwards. It sucks that so many people in the world think that "suck it up" is a cure, not a band-aid. It sucks that magic wands and glittery potions belong to Harry Potter and here in America we don't even have mental health coverage.

Honey, I love you. And I know you love him/her. And it's all really hard right now. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me. And if there's nothing I can do to help, then just know - you're strong, and beautiful, and amazing. And you will survive.

You will. more...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 09:23 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A friend said to me not long ago that being around CD, Bear and I can be a little hard to take because we sort of block others out.

That wasn't easy to hear.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want us to be that family. I think of myself, of us, as open. Curious.

Isn't it strange how wrong I am about the person in the mirror?

A couple of years ago, we started putting up walls because there was so much pain and anger around CD's depression. As much as I vented, there was that much more I couldn't - wouldn't - say.

And I never realized that even as we healed, the wall obviously didn't come down. Although Bear has many friends and is really social - the truth is that we seem happiest these days when we're the 3 of us, whether piled on the couch with Sara watching Mythbusters or walking along the river with our ice cream cones.

This can't be healthy. But I'm not sure I know how to let go, let in. I tell myself we're just a close family, and maybe we are. Yet...

Even after everything becomes all right again, it isn't over.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 06:58 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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