I am normally asleep hours ago, but the ghostly insomnia that haunts me in times of stress is back again. As I wait for the half an Ambien to kick in, my mind drifts and the television mumbles.

There is a show on Discovery about the Duggar family. I believe this former State Representative and his wife now have 16 children. On the internet, you can find their website - and as many articles as you care to read either condemning this conservative family for having so many children - and bad hairstyles. Or praising them for their neoconservative values and surrender to what they consider to be God's will.

It is clearly demonstrated that the Duggars can afford to take care of their children and parent them closely. The controversy, then, is not can these parents afford or manage all their children. It is simply the number of children themselves that seems to insult so many sensibilities.

But they inflamed mine.

While I don't play the "grass is greener" game, I did watch the Duggar family in a sort of thirsty awe. Such healthy, glowing babies.

What would it be like, to be pregnant so effortlessly? To walk out into the sunshine, large with child? What would it be like, to so simply conceive children?

Mrs. Duggar, holding the newest child in the crook of her arm, looked radiant. Say what you will of her girl-mullet, the joy in her face was louder.

And I wanted to reach out my hand to the screen, so baby drunk in that moment. Wishing I could touch, feel the lightness of the baby in my hands. Feel the new skin, listen to the soft rooting sounds, grin into the curious eyes.

Baby drunk. Baby drunk. And then the tiredness finally sets in.

I push the button. The screen fades to black. Now I will stumble to bed, and pray for happier dreams.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:03 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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