January 21, 2005
Thank you for allowing me attend your last seminar on such short notice. I can't believe that your "Introduction to Physics for Corporate Dummies" class isn't required for all new employees!
I thought I'd drop a line and let you know that I implemented ALL your theories in the last week, and the results have been amazing!
First of all, VARYING GRAVITY. Your hypothesis that everything falls faster than an anvil. Like pianos and 27-page memos about dress code? Let me tell you, you were SO right!
Well, with the possible exception of the anvils dropped by executives. The anvils dropped by executives fall really, really fast! Maybe that's something you want to teach in future classes, because anvils really hurt. Not that I blame you!
And GRAVITATIONAL COGNIZANCE. The theory that gravity does not take effect until you notice that you are not standing on anything. Wow, this is so AWESOME.
Not that I ever got the chance, because it turns out that on my team pretty much tells you the nanosecond you've stepped off the cliff. "Hope you didn't spend too much time on that!" they yell, "Because it's vaporware!" And then, yep, sure enough I would look down and see that my presentation's platform was indeed, just air.
And you know what happens after that. Yup, Ka-Plow! I felt the total Coyote Experience with that one.
Wow, who could forget your expert teachings on EXPLOSIVES? "An explosion cannot cause fatal injuries, but only leave you temporarily charred and smoking". Well, I am ashamed to admit to you Mr. Coyote - I didn't trust this amazing lesson.
When I saw the big red stack of dynamite, I actually skipped ahead to your Advanced Seminar theories - specifically, EFFICIENT DISPLACEMENT - the theory that a corporate employee passing through a solid object will leave a hole in the outline of his body (also known as the "silhouette of passage").
I know that this type of skipping ahead is not encouraged by Coyote Enterprises, but I really couldn't help myself. And I was so excited to learn that the EFFICIENT DISPLACEMENT theory has practical applications! From my silhouette I was able to see that my hemlines are far too low to be attractive.
Finally, MANIC AERONAUTICS: The belief that anyone who holds a feather in each hand can fly if he flaps his arms. Corollary: This flight is only temporary, lasting long enough to place the character over a large drop.
Some other, *cough* poser *cough*, seminars I've been to call this stuff like "Peter Principle". That's why I recommend your seminar so highly. You are a straight-shooter, Mr Coyote - at least, informationally!
And just like you taught, they did indeed lift me up only as far as that chasm. But I was ready. I had used your order-form and special seminar discount to get myself an Acme Parachute. Thank heavens! It was delivered just as I landed and they were able to use it to pillow my body as they gave me a ride to the hospital.
In sum, your seminar was more than worth the entry fee. As soon as I am realeased from the Acme Hospital for Dumbasses, I will be eagerly signing up for the next one.
Thanks again, you are an inspiration to us Corporate Dummies everywhere.
Your fan,
Elizabeth C. Mommy
* Cartoon theories taken (where you can go read ALL the cartoon theories of physics) with a big thanks from here and here and even here.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
02:54 AM
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January 11, 2005
I have no other explanation for how I ended up, at nineteen years old, living on my own without any of the most basic skills.
My first month in that first apartment, I washed my car with undiluted Spic and Span. Just poured the granules onto the car one sunny day, sprayed the hose and went to town.
The cop who pulled me over the next week had to ask.
Miss, what did you DO to your car?
I told him. I said I washed it with Spic and Span and now it was fugly and I didn't know why.
To this day I think he gave me that speeding ticket partly on account of my being so stupid.
Other people, they are a story of great romance or high mystery in their walk through life. They are self-help relevations. They marvel at the world as though it was a travel book full of big glossy pictures.
Me?
Yeah, I'm the 'How-To' experience. White paper, black ink, and some 3D sketches.
My very competant parents tried, Heaven help them. You clean the gutters every fall. You break an egg like this. You write thank-you notes immediately.
But somehow, none of it stuck to my brain. The words went in, bounced around, and then fell out my ears while I slept.
So there I was, on my own. And I had no idea how to check the oil in the car, how to balance my checkbook or create a budget, had no clue from pilot lights in the stove and couldn't properly shave my legs.
A day didn't go by that I wasn't either bleeding, broke, hungry or scrambling to find a ride to work.
This went on and on. Until I realized, Hey this is life.
As soon as I learn one thing, shit if there isn't always going to be another to learn right behind it. And knowing me, the hard way.
I was thinking about that today when I got a call from one of the junior folks.
My vendor had a meeting with my customer. Without me. She confessed. What do I do?
This was bad.
As a project manager, you are the Contractor on the job site. You represent all the work and all the vendors to your customer seemlessly. If the Roofing guy talks to your customer and tries to cut you out, that is a violation of the entire process. It's also a breach of contract.
And Junior was counting on me to tell her how to deal with it.
So I did. I walked her through it.
How do you know how to deal with this? She asked me.
I could have said, it's standard Project Manager process. Which it is, but of course I didn't learn it that way.
I learned because I once took a flamethrower to a vendor over a 50 million dollar contract. And once I had pretty much burned down the house, the yard, the block, the car, the vendor, and oh - myself.... along came a guy, probably dressed in black.
He leaned over my steaming self and said, calmly, You know Maverick, we got lawyers for this.
Junior laughed. They say there isn't much you don't know how to do.
I thought about the Engine light on mini-van, my "Universal" remote control, the so-called instructions to my son's Lego Pirate Ship, the dozens of burnt Christmas cookies I threw away this year, my unused wireless laptop, my unsubmitted travel expenses, and the 72 inches of paper that represents my retirement plan.
They, I told Junior firmly, would be wrong.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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