Sitting at the edge of my chair.

Wondering why I have propelled myself in this way to this point. But it doesn't matter when I am looking in the rear-view mirror at a place where I have spent the last 7 or 8 years of my life.

I pulse with emotion and no reason.

I've taken to heart comments that I have talked too much of work lately, of this decision, of this very moment. Even as I pretend to laugh them off, I wince - just a bit. No one wants to hear, anymore. Ah. OK.

I understand.

My little moment is not much for me to have made all this sound and fury. Not special, or earth-shattering. No. Not much at all.

It is a good thing, for all my Hamlet-esque agonies.

And will lead to more good things, I believe.

And I had power over it. When the roads diverged, it was me who picked this path. There are no victims or losers here. We should be celebrating, I think. I should have thought of that. Planned something, maybe.

Never mind.

It is already this afternoon. Watching as the sky goes steel gray, again. Maybe snow, again. To replace what melted away.

I sit and rub my arms against the chill. Realize that I have already turned off the little radiator.

And I sift through a pile of business cards, crisp and new-smelling. Stroke my finger over the letters of my name and title.

Then, carefully, back in the box.

It is over.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:19 AM | Comments (27) | Add Comment
Post contains 264 words, total size 1 kb.

As anyone knows, an army runs on its stomach - so I am loading up the van with my goodbye offering of lunch and driving downtown to the hive - the data center where most of them have officies.

After a last review of my project, there is a planned corporate announcement for employees of our division. An "All-Hands".

Every few years, Mega likes to lay off massive quantities of people or completely rearrange the organizations. To keep lean, you know. It has nothing to do with long-term profit or loss - Mega actually had a very successful quarter.

So most folks are figuring that this is what is about to happen again. I know one guy who has been laid off and rehired 4 times. I know another who has had the same job for 20 years under 10 different acronyms.

So it goes.

Whatever is said, we'll listen to it together. Gathered around a warm speakerphone with drippy pizza in our hands.

This corporation has some of the finest damn engineers and technicians on the planet. They make the whole planet go round, from cubbies and data center floors. They have been some of the best times I've had at Mega - duct tape solutions in the middle of the night from guys who make MacGyver look like a lightweight. It's been an honor to learn from them, to work from them, and so, for them, I will bring nothing but the best:

Sausage AND pepperoni. And diet Coke.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:55 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 267 words, total size 1 kb.

I received a “satisfaction survey” of my project today.

Guess who they sent it to?

My customer?

No.

My other customer?

No.

Guess who.

You know it was over 6 months ago that my customerÂ’s manager (and one over to the left) started his vendetta and asked that I be replaced. At the time, we were painted as junior executives in a squabble, which made me feel one part outraged and one part "yeah, that's how it goes." I put my head down and kept working to my professional best.

And because the guy was outside my chain, I had no contact with him at all. Which was good, in some ways. On the other hand, it meant there was no chance to redeem or grow the relationship.

But THIS was the guy they sent the survey to.

On paper, the project I was managing was strong - the scope was clear, the budget was met, the work was being managed, that status went out each week, the schedule was within parameters, and I escalated appropriately.

And so, he graded most of the “objective criteria” at the minimum acceptable levels.

You know, for months now I have had the pleasure *cough* of hearing back through my comrades that this guy really didn't give a damn about the actual work. Whenever I was mentioned, he would cast whatever the news was in the worst light. Every good thing was diminished as "probably owing to someone else's effort".

He never said anything to me – we haven’t spoken 2 words in… well, since this happened. But his comments went permanently in my file. I was chastised for his low opinion. And for a while, I tried to learn from what was going on.

But when my lawful family leave to tend to Bear was denounced as me being a "poor team player", I realized I was stuck in what we call, in the corporate world, "a train wreck".

My mentors shouted "run" - to make an internal transfer as soon as I could.

But I chose to make this my last stand at Mega. To use it as my wedge to finally move on....

W. Clement Stone said “So many fail because they don't get started; they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin.”

IÂ’ve finally begun. I should be excited.

This shouldnÂ’t bother me, 48 hours before goodbye.

*sigh*

But it does. It does.

Just as I grow weepy (again!) receiving more emails from people about how much they will miss working with me and yada yada yada.

That’s how come I am just a wee bit pissed instead of dismissive that this dumbass just couldn't walk away gracefully. Couldn't say thank you for a job - if not done well enough for him, done. He had to fill in the comments block with the same vitriol he’s been spouting – and for the first time, it is actually sent to me. He called me "high maintenance" and "not well suited to working in a collaborative team environment".

My emotions - all of them - are very close to the surface these days. But once I had 5 seconds to cool down, you know what I thought? Really?

Thank you for making it so much easier to say goodbye

But there my generosity ends.

I have been with Mega for a long time. And I have made many, many mistakes. Made some people angry. And just downright embarrassed myself on some occasions.

But each year, I gained in responsibility. I was graded among the best. I was rewarded financially for my contribution. And I had the mentoring and feedback of professional, honest men and women who have helped me craft my performance and my profession.

So it took no small doing to make me question my career, my corporation, and my own skills. It took a vendetta, which wasted hours of time and misdirected resources. It took a meanness of spirit and a short-sightedness that has, ultimately, robbed my company of a good employee and robbed my project of the full measure of its success.

So.

Dear manager,

Should you ever wander by and wonder if this is about you... yes. Of course it is. And though I leave, I write this from the bottom of my heart...

You are dangerous, you take people's livelihoods and reputations lightly and you put your feelings above the work. You are an example of the worst kind of manager, and you diminish those around you.

And be sure, VERY sure that I sit in the tall grass for you. And it will be my honor, if the opportunity ever arises, to serve you up to karma.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 01:09 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 806 words, total size 4 kb.

I fight tears. I knew I was a sentimental fool but I find myself drowning in it. I know the kind words & actions of my coworkers are polite, generous tokens but my emotions have rough edges and push away my logic, the cool professionalism I have cultivated for so long.

"They are just being nice to me because I'm leaving" I remind myself. No good. I'm weepy and mushy and it's all I can do to keep a brave face on.

I am facing the end of the familiarity of my compatriots in the trenches. Of the echoes of their voices in teleconferences, the quick words and odd chuckle echoing over my speakerphone.

I know that the relationships arenÂ’t real in the sense of my tangible life. When it comes time to move, itÂ’s not like these men and women would trade their tan pants for ripped jeans and a strong shoulder against our belongings. I know that my son is just a notion to them as their children and wives and partners and friends and dogs and cats are all just ideas to me.

For all our years together, we could pass each other in an airport without a wave, without a nod.

And so much of the past year has been bad. Just cruel and crazy and nothing any sane person would want to hang onto. I tell myself that this is so healthy, to walk away before I spend one more week in such a place that can be so dark.

The truth of this job is clear.

Yet I'm fighting back tears.

As the goodbyes begin to accumulate. As the instant messages ring onto my screen. "How many more days?" they ask. "Got the short-timer's disease yet?" The phone rings... "Do you have plans?”

“Have you decided what you are going to do that first Monday?"

"Stay just one more week, then you can get paid for President's Day!"

And in meetings, I find my work being snatched away. Gestures of understanding and affection that mist me up. "Elizabeth, I have this - I will get the IP addresses from Security..." "Elizabeth, I will deal with gruff President, don't worry..." "Elizabeth, youÂ’re doing so much tying up loose ends, what can I do to..."

And I hit the Mute button, and huff out breath and take a moment.

I have affectionately called the engineers I work with the Tan Pants Brigade. As tens and tens of millions of dollars of equipment has passed through my projects - these are the people who have done the actual work. From the architecture to the delivery, installation, and production certification, I've grown to respect them and trust them.

I will miss them.

Maybe they arenÂ’t real. In my virtual job maybe most of them are just faces from my infrequent trips or voices that drift into my ear during endless teleconferences. Yeah, ok.

But I will miss them.

"Elizabeth," says the Director as I call to close down one of the last action items. "There will be no replacing you. I hope you know that."

"There's no such thing as an irreplacable resource," I parrot, which is part of Mega's standard philosophy.

"True," he laughs. "But there is in life. Take care of yourself, and of that amazing Bear of yours. We're pulling for you."

And I finally let the tears fall as I hang up the phone. I thought this choice would be easier, because it was what I wanted for so long. But it is turning out to be one of the most difficult months of my life.

I pick up Bear's picture and hold it to my heart and think about all the people I don't know - and will miss so damn much.

And I squeeze my eyes shut and cry.

extra credit if you can identify the title without Googling

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:14 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 665 words, total size 4 kb.

1 You have made the right choice. I know it's hard, but I hope you can cling to the fact that in 6 months you'll be able to look back and say "Yes, that was the right choice, I can't imagine how different the last 6 months would have been." Even if it's hard, even if it's scary, hug your cutie little Bear and you'll know what the right answer is. The moving on is harder than the choice to do so. Hugs.

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 01, 2006 07:51 AM (/vgMZ)

2 I think it is the fear in the face of the unknown that causes us to cling closer to what we know -- even if it wasn't pretty before -- it starts to become pretty. The familiar endears itself to us in the face of change. I believe we all have two minds: our logical mind and our emotional mind. In emotionally difficult situations, our emotional mind, however, deceives us. It paints things rosey when they were quiet black and gray before. Stop yourself in the tears, and think, "Was it all that great? Really?" Apply your logical mind and I suspect those tears will disappear. Remember your logical mind will be honest. Your emotional mind will deceive! Focus on Bear, focus on the fact you are doing what feels right -- and just acknowledge what you will truly miss -- the routine, the familiar, the faces, the career -- and then move forward. You can always go back to a career, but you can't change time if you don't take the leap now while Bear is young

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at February 01, 2006 08:27 AM (L67iN)

3 The good news is: You must have enjoyed your job and co-workers, or you wouldn't be having these feelings. The bad news: It's only going to get harder the closer you get to "last day". And if no one has told you yet: There will be days in the future, when Bear is pulling your last grey hair, and the house is filled with dust and clutter, when you will only be able to remember the absolute best parts of your past job. Maybe that would be a good day to go back and read your blog, to remember why you are doing this!

Posted by: Tammy at February 01, 2006 09:16 AM (M++hX)

4 The worst job isn't all bad, nor is the best job all good. When I first found your blog, you seemed to love you job, and with good reason, and yet you regreted having less time than you wanted with Bear. I can't imagine that all of what you loved about your job has changed, the Tan Pants Brigade being a case in point. Even though it is clearly time for you to leave Mega, and I believe you will be happier when you have, you ARE losing something in doing so. I'd be surprised if you weren't crying.

Posted by: Kimberly at February 01, 2006 03:10 PM (CXd4V)

5 The ones who have made your life a mess? They're easy to set aside. To walk away from. It's the good, honest, trust-worthy, and hard-working people that tug at your heart. I know...

Posted by: Grace at February 01, 2006 03:52 PM (L058b)

6 As someone who has recently stepped down the corporate ladder to focus on my son and my pregnancy, I know what you are going through right now. My last day in the office last week was hard. I was crying all morning while packing my box and saying goodbye beforeleaving was REALLY awful. I woke up at home on Friday and did not really know what I would do all day... what the hell was I thinking? It gets better though, I am getting the hang of it... but also as someone pointed out above there are moments during which I wished I could be back. It's keeping all in perspective that counts and KNOWING this is right, even though it may feel wrong at times. Sorry for the rambling... Just know that I am here pulling for you!

Posted by: Sol at February 02, 2006 01:41 AM (6tO3n)

7 I can't say anything to make this easier for you, but I want you to know that I have the utmost admiration for the courage with which you live your life. Elizabeth, I was there years before Bear was born when you dreamed of meeting him. I was there when you were struggling to bring Bear into this world. At one point, you said to me "so have I completely scared you away from doing this?" I said then, and I say again now, no. As hard as things can get, the pull to love your children...even the ones yet to be conceived, is far stronger than fear. I have watched you parent Bear with all of your being. I see your face light up when you talk about him. It is your big heart and great love that will make the lasting impression on him. As hard as it is to walk away from the career you have worked so hard for, it is the time you spend with Bear that will stay in your heart as the most cherished memories of your life. And, they will be among his most cherished memories, as well. I used to think that you just did the right thing, no matter how hard, and that is was usually fairly obvious what the right thing was. On the contrary,the rich tapestry of our lives is chock-full of choices that require us to give up one cherished thing for another cherished thing. Quite often, the answers aren't clearcut. A lot of times the choice that leads us to our heart's desire is far more complicated than any other path we could take. And yet, you never end up at peace if you don't follow your heart. Cry as much as you need to, but don't cry alone. There are shoulders at the ready.

Posted by: laura at February 04, 2006 09:00 AM (FzMzF)

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