Once I got into management, headhunters started calling me. The odd job offers and requests to interview would come my way. Vendors I hired for my programs would usually make overtures to me. And because it is the smart thing to do, I would show interest up to a point and leave the doors open.

But there had never been anything serious that I would consider.

Except for a government consulting job that I wanted, offered about 3 years ago.

Based back on the East Coast, managing the kind of programs that really give my brain a thrill, working with some great people.

But, I would need to be vetted for Top Secret clearance for the job and in order to get Top Secret clearance you need first to be an American citizen and, if married, then married to an American citizen.

Aha.

I am married to a foreigner, you see. From the seditious country of Iceland. Ya, I know - they don't even have an army and their political agenda consists of codfish. But tell that to the fine people at the Department of Defense. Rules is rules.

So I convinced CD when the overture was first made to me to promise he would get dual citizenship (apply for American citizenship) if ever Iceland would allow it. And like a Muppets movie that will always have a happy ending, a few months later Iceland passed a law allowing dual citizenship.

Yesterday, in the flurry of final goodbye-ing and paperwork, I received a phone call from one of the guys who'd been part of that offer about 3 years ago. He warned me that I had no reasons left not to come over to the dark side - er, the government sector.

I agreed, but admitted that we hadn't finished dealing with CD's citizenship thing.

"It takes time," I sighed.

"Right-o. Then it is going to be on to the lie detector test. Are you Catholic?"

"No, Episcopalian. Why?"

"Guilt. It will trip you up."

"Are you kidding?"

"No."

I sat back and thought about it. Not that I am going to run out tomorrow and apply for this job, but it is a serious 'what if' in my back pocket.

Is there much in my life to feel guilty about? Oh, I suppose there is the regular amount. I have not always been kind, or scrupulously honest. There are lovers I have hurt. There are friends I have let down. I have turned my back on God more than once in frustration. I have used legal pads from work for my own personal grocery lists.

When I think of it objectively I know I meet criteria. There is a government tolerance for things and my experiments with life fall within them.

But lie detectors are decidedly not objective. They can not measure what you have done - they measure more how you feel about what you have done.

"Guilt?" I repeated.

"Yes," he said. "This is why many folks go through it twice."

I laughed nervously. The truth is that I would need that second chance, too, if it ever comes down to actually doing this thing.

Exhibit A: I am up at 5:30AM with a knot in my gut. I am about to apply for unemployment after 20 years of working hard. And I feel guilty, horribly guilty, about it.

Yeah.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 12:04 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Sounds like great job. Hope you can get everything worked out. And hey. You NEED that unemployment right now. Think about it- for years, so much of your income has been going to government programs. Now you have a chance to use some of that money yourself in a time of need...

Posted by: Lucinda at March 16, 2006 02:19 AM (OPvIN)

2 Opt to have them deduct federal taxes from it. There is nothing worse than having to face a big tax bill next year because you didn't have them do that. your FA

Posted by: Auntie Marfa at March 16, 2006 03:07 AM (/qtT1)

3 I've done one of those government job security clearance polygraph tests. It was exceedingly unpleasant, enough to make me think twice about taking the job. But the people giving the test know full well the guilt effect, and I honestly believe part of the test was to see how one stands up to repeated challenges to one's answers('are you sure about that?' and 'apparently that wasn't a complete answer you just gave.' ) So don't let it intimidate you. We have all done things we're not proud of, but in the end, it's the objective criteria that will say whether or not you pass-- crimes committed, huge ethical lapses, and things you could be blackmailed over are what would make you fail, not ordinary human guilt and regret.

Posted by: andrea at March 16, 2006 04:05 AM (r/GdY)

4 I think not getting your job back was divine intervention. You are getting a message loud an clear -- listen to it I think your fear and the discomfort of this new place is making you edgy to have a job in place -- ready for you. Try to relax. Don't fight it so hard Hugs...

Posted by: Eyes at March 16, 2006 04:08 AM (L67iN)

5 Eyes is 100% right. If all that's holding you back is the silly test, just do it. And you can so look up how to beat a polygraph on the internet

Posted by: caltechgirl at March 16, 2006 07:27 AM (jOkK0)

6 If guilt is what a lie detector measures, then the most of us would fail. I know I can feel guilty for all kinds of things, even when they aren't my fault. I just don't do guilty very well. I think they are looking more for big lapses in ethics, or crimes, or opportunities someone could use to blackmail you for information. Go for it! You never know till you try right?

Posted by: Suzanne at March 18, 2006 09:58 AM (mWHvv)

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I wrestled with it for over a week. I wrote blog entries that I .....then erased. I wrote out lists of budget numbers and pro's and con's. I sat on the couch, staring at the wall.

Couldn't fight reality, though. CD hasn't been able to come up with the better/second job that was needed to support us without my income. And my little second gig (as a Blogger 4 Hire for the irrepresible and amazing Genuine) has been tottering on the edge of being cancelled.

It was time. To walk into this office and, regrettfully, pick up the phone. Mega had given me 30 days "unpaid sabbatical" before formally terminating me. They paid my benefits and everything for those 30 days, time for me to reconsider if I wanted to come back.

I was so confident that it would never happen, but I didn't say no to a month's free benefits.

But today, I swallowed crow (munch munch) and called them.

I didn't want to do it.

I left a message and my manager called back quickly. He sighed when I told him I was ready to report for duty.

"We've been told to make cuts," he replied. "So..."

And then he laid me off.

48 hours before my resignation was formally executed.

I'm not kidding.

I am crying with relief. Unemployment! I am eligible for unemployment!!!!

(Yes, I thanked him profusely.)

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:27 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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