Ok, seriously. Stop now.
Good.
"Never let him watch you put on pantyhose" was one of my favorite pieces of advice from my Grandmother. I was young, and thinking about marrying my boyfriend at the time, and ripe for all kinds of marital advice.
I used to have all sorts of nuggets like that.
But I lost them. Maybe one day while I was sleeping. Stuff seems to fall out of my brain as I get older. Seriously.
Which is monumentally bad timing, because I am compiling a scrapbook for a friend of mine (cough *Laura* cough) (see my most favorrite of her recent posts here) that is getting married. You know, as a bridal shower gift.... pictures of her and her intended, and anecdotes, and especially advice (serious, old-fashioned, or just plain funny) on marriage.
The problem is that in my current space, which is vaguely hopeful and seriously guarded, what with the great brain drain going on ... all that springs to my mind is - "Got Prenup?"
Which, let's be honest, won't look good even if I put it in a nice font and maybe a picture of flowers next to it.
And it occurs to me that advice may be helpful to one who already vowed it, long ago.
Yes, me.
1
Never, ever, go to bed angry with each other. Things said in anger, in fights, take on different forms if slept on. Positions harden, wounds feel deeper. Stay up all night if you have to, but don't go to bed angry.
Posted by: RP at March 01, 2006 08:49 AM (LlPKh)
2
This comes from my father in law, who gave it to me at my rehearsal dinner as I was about to marry his tenth and youngest child. At this point he had been married over fifty years to her mom:
"Yes, Dear." The two most important words you'll ever need in marriage. They can get you through just about anything.
And, he meant the 'just about' part, since they divorced six months later. Perhaps he tired of taking his own advice...
Posted by: ben at March 01, 2006 09:22 AM (M1nT3)
3
There are going to be some days when you really don't like living with this person. But it will pass. It doesn't mean they're not the right spouse for you. It just means that it would be really hard living full time with *ANY* human being.
Posted by: Nancy Toby at March 01, 2006 09:31 AM (bnpiQ)
4
My favorite piece of advice is a quote from Michael Leunig (an Australian cartoonist): "Love one another and you will be happy, it's as simple - and as difficult - as that".
and from my own life:
Every Sunday morning for the ten years we have been married my Husband has bought me a cup of coffee and a piece of toast as a simple 'breakfast in bed'. During the bad times - and there will be bad times - it's the simple acts like this that have kept us on the rails. We're still very happily married (and actually about to renew our vows!!) but at the end of the day it's not the second honeymoons in Hawaii, the bouquets on my birthday or the big presents that make it work. It's the simple acts like goign to the supermarket to get painkillers when I have a headache, him cooking for a dinner party *I* arranged when I've had to work late - and ten years of coffee and toast in bed that keep you together.
Posted by: Flikka at March 01, 2006 10:26 AM (puvdD)
5
I was going to say not to go to bed angry with each also. Another gem of mine is "Laugh once, every day." Laughter heals so many things and creates bonds that can't be broken in the bad times. Laugh with each other, at each other, or other people, but it works.
Posted by: Melissa at March 01, 2006 11:10 AM (RcXdn)
6
90% of what you disagree about you will always disagree about. What will keep this from driving you apart (or crazy) is to work to understand how the other person experiences life, and why, and to show him/her how you experience life. That's where you will find middle ground, even when it is impossible to reconcile your differences.
Posted by: Melanie at March 01, 2006 03:14 PM (9t8X+)
7
It sounds trite and old fashioned, but I learned to cook for my husband and having a wonderful meal to look forward to most nights has made him a happy, happy man.
Also, my husband and I promised each other that we'd take a honeymoon vacation together every year, no matter what. For one week, the kids stay with relatives and we go off together. Particularly once we had kids with us 7 days a week, that trip has become a hugely important bonding time for us. I recommend that every couple do their damnedest to make annual honeymoons a reality.
Posted by: Lucinda at March 01, 2006 03:25 PM (OPvIN)
8
Agree early on that "he who cares the most, does it." My husband has done all of the vacuuming and dusting for the past 22 years because I don't care if we have dust bunnies the size of a buick and he does. I hate clutter and dishes in the sink so that is what I do. It isn't always even but it does make life easier.
Posted by: Erika at March 02, 2006 01:14 AM (FKhq0)
9
My husband refuses to engage when I am angry. I'll huff and puff about an issue and he'll say something funny and then we'll both laugh and then work on the issue together without the anger. I'm amazed at how he does this. Also, he does at least 50% of the cleaning around the house - and always has. I have never, ever considered that to be my responsibility alone.
Posted by: jill at March 02, 2006 01:35 AM (mPnaW)
10
Only one of you can be crazy at a time.
Posted by: cc at March 02, 2006 03:58 AM (O2Ovh)
11
When I was engaged, I heard two pieces of advice I never forgot: "Marriage is never 50/50 - it's usually lopsided and sometimes for quite a while".
And: "Let the little things go".
Posted by: Mia at March 02, 2006 04:23 AM (XrKvd)
12
Wuv... Twoo wuv...
Ok, I won't go there. I'll just answer the question.
My only advice is when you have an argument, and you will argue, promise each other you will see it through. If you go all the way through the argument and get to the other side, it prevents you from running away from a problem. And usually from that problem getting so big it's insurmountable. This works in all relationships but I think it's especially important in a marriage. My now husband and I made that promise to each other when we first moved in together and we've been together more than 13 years. AND it has helped us come through ALOT, still together.
Posted by: cathy at March 02, 2006 05:37 AM (Oq01x)
13
I was told Never, absolutely NEVER, say the "D" word (divorce). Even if in the heat of a fight you are thinking it (and you probably will a time or two), don't say it out loud. That's the first thing to get the ball rolling toward separation.
Posted by: MJH at March 02, 2006 07:25 AM (cUJvj)
14
Three things:
Fight fair.
Remember that the other person's mood is not always dependent on what YOU say or do.
No one can fulfill all the emotional needs of another person. To ask that of someone else is just unfair and you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Posted by: paige at March 02, 2006 11:45 AM (WpUg5)
15
my husband tells me this all the time when it comes to our daughter. the same is true for marriage.
pick your battles.
Posted by: becky at March 02, 2006 05:21 PM (24qw7)
16
The first thing that comes to mind for me is not to forget to have fun with each other. In the chaos of being married, don't forget you're also friends. Mine is my best friend. We play, we tease, we have fun. It's not all about just being married. If that makes sense...
Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke at March 03, 2006 01:46 AM (Kx2kz)
17
Keep the little kindnesses going whenever you can- getting each other a glass of water, kisses on the forhead when you walk by, etc.
Figure out how you like to fight (if you haven't already) - some people thrive on hashing it all out at once, others like to step away and come back to it. It's a lot easier to 'fight fair' when you know what that means for the both of you.
Take moments to step back and enjoy the good stuff, especially those things that have become routine for you as a family. They're often the sweetest parts of being together, and the easiest to miss.
Posted by: alice at March 03, 2006 02:52 AM (DeROi)
18
Love is not a feeling that is bestowed upon you by twinkly little fairies. Love is action. Love is a choice. Love is about being kind instead of being correct. Forgiving instead of righteous. Encouraging instead of fault-finding.
True love is looking at the worst parts of someone's nature. . . and then continuing to look, past the ugliness to the unique beauty and spirit that lies within.
Love is not fair. Love is not easy. Love is not always rewarded with reciprocal behavior.
And yet, to love someone is the closes that we can get to experiencing God.
Posted by: Veeg at March 03, 2006 08:01 AM (gR0r8)
19
Talk to each other about your priorities in life. For me, it's
1. My God
2. My Family
3. Food, shelter, and clothing
4. Everything else because the only thing that really matters is 1-3, although health and well being are strong contenders as well.
Sometimes the other priorities like to vie for the top spot, and it's good to refer back to the list every so often for a reality check. In my opinion, mates with contradicting priorities will have a tougher time holding the marriage together.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at March 03, 2006 05:34 PM (T/CTF)
20
Oh, and along the lines of Melanie's comment:
Instead of fighting, learn how to agree to disagree.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at March 03, 2006 05:36 PM (T/CTF)
21
My grandma used to say "The fastest way to the other side of a problem is straight through it."
I always liked that.
Posted by: JustLinda at March 04, 2006 02:22 AM (zrTsU)
22
Check out "Solo for Saturday Night Guitar" by Carl Sandburg. : )
Posted by: that girl at March 04, 2006 12:48 PM (oWPp0)
23
You, lady, are going to be the one who is wrong sometimes, and you may be dishonest to yourself about it. I've done it. We all have. The one who is being an unreasonable spazz. The one who is trying to win the argument, not solve the problem.
If you can look inside yourself and recognize when you are the one making life difficult, and drop your armor and tell him you recognize your fault and are sorry, he will respect you and love you for it. A good man will prize such honorable behavior.
Some women don't know how to say 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you,' and they are necessary words in marriage from both parties.
Posted by: lauraw at March 04, 2006 05:06 PM (wZLWV)
24
[typing while holding baby]
Remember why you fell in LIKE with each other and be kind.
There is some wonderful advice, here.
Posted by: margi at March 05, 2006 01:21 PM (BRtaN)
25
Never insult each other. Never call each other names. Sometimes you want to, but it never helps.
Don't make fun of your spouse in front of other people. It isn't funny, just hurtful.
Laugh lots and often.
Say "I love you" at least once a day, if not many times.
Sometimes, have sex (or make love, however you want to write it) even though you don't really want to. You might discover once you are more involved that you're really glad you did!
Posted by: halloweenlover at March 06, 2006 08:37 AM (cdEd4)
26
Remember that the basis for marriage is friendship. Treat each other with the respect you would treat a friend, and be treated BY a friend.
Understanding the other's statements is not always as important as trusting them to be true.
Learn to differentiate between needs and wants. Choose to acknowledge the other's needs. We have no say over what the other needs. We have say over whether we choose to fulfill that need. But the need stands.
Focus on the blooms that *do* open - don't linger too much with the bloom that stays shut. Trust that, given the right conditions, that bloom will open too, at its own time. So enjoy the ones that are already open.
Posted by: marcha at March 07, 2006 04:20 PM (6H3db)
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