Now that I am 40, I get to say things like "back when I was young...."

So, back when I was young, my brother had books full of pictures and shelves full of trophies and ribbons. He played every sport there is. Oh, and he was good at it.

Me? I have the natural athletic grace of a pet rock. But I tried. Yes, I did. I skiied, I swam, I played softball, and field hockey. I sailed. I was a cheerleader for a couple of seasons, too. You don't know this because there are no pictures of most of it. And certainly I was never given a trophy.

Because back when I was young, boys were still graded on their physical accomplishments and girls? Not so much.

So we're at Bear's karate this evening. And as his class was ending, the kids for the next one were trickling in. And in walks a couple of girls, about 8 or 9 years old. One in a faux leopard skin coat and purple clogs and her friend in braids and a bright pink jacket and matching earmuffs. They changed into their uniforms and got in line waiting by the door.

The friend admires the first girl's pedicure.

"Is that sparkly purple?"

"No, it's called 'royal blue glitter'. I got it to match my new karate trophy."

"Oh, I didn't go to the tournament. But I got a purple trophy for coming fist at the spelling bee."

"Sparkly purple?"

"No, regular. But it would be a good color for my toes anyway. And I spell way better than my dad now."

"That's cool. I do math better than spelling. If you get the purple can I try it on my toes?"

"Yeah, sure."

Oh. My. Stars. We have so come a long, long way....

Posted by: Elizabeth at 01:30 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 They make purple trophies??? And I never got a trophy for being in a spelling bee. Oh wait. That's because I spelled wrong on purpose so I didn't have to go through the agony of speaking in public.

Posted by: Cheryl at November 29, 2005 04:51 PM (GSDPS)

2 Loved! this entry. Inexplicably, brought on goosebumps!

Posted by: Me at November 30, 2005 01:31 AM (B1Sap)

3 little girls never change. Although I never thought about painting my toes to match my spelling trophy... it was red though.

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 30, 2005 07:27 AM (/vgMZ)

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I know this couple, they're in love. They have a baby and each other and they are so happy that every time I am around them I have to promise myself not to compare my life to theirs.

Because, they really are happy. Right this minute. I mean, as I write this, they are porbably kissing or teaching their year-old toddler Portugese or piecing a quilt for the local AIDS hospice while there child gently sleeps.

Their home is comfortable in the way a home is when it has so much love and vibrancy. Their lives are spilled out on the walls, in little posters and pictures. Their kitchen is well organized, to acommodate both their talents. Their child's room is a haven.

This couple, I have known them a long time. And like my Aunt and Uncle, like my friends out of state, their world didn't happen by accident. It was a natural outcome of their shared dreams and the hard work they put into it.

I look around this house, and I see all the dreams we packed into our moving boxes with our incomplete china sets and our throw pillows. We headed out of the city with an infant, an unmatched collection of furniture, and big ideas.

We were going to have a home like that. We plotted it in our minds a thousands times.

This was where we would put that armchair we're going to buy someday. And this would be where we keep the menus from our favorite restaurants. Here is where we will track Bear's growth on the wall.

But then....

Well. Yeah. Then all that stuff happened and then we were miserable but we didn't give up and yet sometimes it does feel like what I keep thinking is progress is really just being stuck in the same place but on a new day.

And our house is like that. It isn't warm, and comfortable. It is rumpled, and unorganized, and it doesn't stay clean. There are pockets of sanctuary and long lines of chaos and construction. I feel jittery, looking around. And sad. And frustrated. And there were so many, many days when the only thing that kept me here was picturing Bear's face if ever I told him that it was time to leave.

And it was not so long ago.

But you know what? On Sunday afternoon, we went to the Christmas tree lot and we bought some real honest-to-goodness used-to-be-alive evergreen garland. And we wrapped it up in white lights and draped it around the front door.

Sure, our neighborhood is practically the universally agreed upon house-decorating Olympic winner of Pleasantville and a little scrap of lighted swag don't mean a hill of beans in land where National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is required viewing and folks start laying the concrete platforms for this year's giant Frosty display in September.

But we did it. All three of us. It was a crappy weekend, and it could have ended like so many before - rumpled, disorganized, unsatisfied, snapping.

But instead, and heaven help me I don't know how, we were standing in the misty rain in our socks, with pine needles stuck to our arms, grinning at the joy of a strand of white lights, and home.

You can't tell me we don't have the most gorgeous 16 feet of swag around.

I know it's not okay yet. I know, there's no need to tell me.

Yesterday morning, I cried in the shower. I wanted to rip down a wall in frustration. I didn't think I could take one more minute, one more hour, one more day of how hard it can be. It is so hard sometimes. I felt so strung tight. And I have ... no idea at all how the rest of the day got easier.

But it did.

It hurts. So much. So often. But we're here. We're all here, in this home right now. We're here, and I know it's not okay yet but tonight it sure feels okay. We're here and we do love each other. And by God, our door glows.

And I believe.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 01:22 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Sometimes I feel like turning into a corner and screaming until my lungs fall out onto the floor.

But I mute myself. And keep moving forward.

That is all.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 12:36 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I know that feeling. A couple of times I just screamed as LOUD as I could while I was driving somewhere alone. I seriously felt an enormous sense of calm at having let "it" out.

Posted by: Grace at November 26, 2005 05:09 PM (L058b)

2 Let it out! Scream. You'll feel better. Love you.

Posted by: Cheryl at November 27, 2005 07:40 AM (IEK/5)

3 Sometimes, you write these brief, emotionally charged posts that seem ready to explode off the screen. I hope you are finding a way to let those feelings out. Sending a hug. That is all.

Posted by: Kimberly at November 27, 2005 08:54 PM (CXd4V)

4 Whatever are you holding it in for? Cheryl is right. Let it out. If, for some reason, it's improper to scream, then SING. LOUDLY. Find an "Angry White Chick" CD and belt it out. It's what I do. ;o) xoxo

Posted by: Margi at November 28, 2005 05:37 AM (nwEQH)

5 I highly recommend going outside and letting a big long scream loose.

Posted by: Philip at November 29, 2005 05:05 AM (F9Ij0)

6 Do what you can to let it out. As one that feels this way often in my life - in fact I can relate to many of your posts - I know the damage it does to hold back.

Posted by: Jules at November 29, 2005 05:50 AM (urYq4)

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We're home. I'm 40. And what have we learned?

The Louvre is big. Paris is just as beautiful as you think it is. Nothing feels as good as your child's arms around your neck after being seperated. Nothing smells as good as your own pillow as you crash into sleep. Crepes are yummy. So is my husband. Never get lost in Belgium when the only map you have is of France.

More later.

Love,
Elizabeth

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:57 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I made a list about a dozen years ago. I was sitting on a ledge on the isle of Spetses, wearing nothing more than a silky white sheet tied around my waist and a sunbeam. I remember watching the blue sea, pen poised over my journal, feeling so powerful I could have roared.

I wrote down all the dreams I could think of. The obvious and the ones that I had never admitted before. And through the years that followed I added and subtracted. Many of the things I have actually done - given birth, worked a salaried job, finished a work of fiction and let others read it, forgiven old hurts...

But then a few years ago I stopped. I stopped praying, I stopped deaming, I stopped looking at my list. I lost track of me. Gave me away to the days.

Until a couple of months ago. When all the little cuts bled me to a fury that left me in enraged tears on the phone - drawing the line in blood.

So, around number 10; "Walk along the Seine before my 40th birthday..."

And would you look? My bags are packed, my ticket is in hand, and I'm about to fly away to a dream - with 17 hours to spare.

I've taken me back. And damn, it feels good.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:40 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 231 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Of all the posts you've written that have touched my heart, or made me laugh, or given me pause, this one is...spectacular. I'm not sure when the actual day falls, but have one hell of a lovely birthday, Elizabeth. The year ahead looks so full of every kind of promise. How perfectly lovely.

Posted by: Jennifer at November 11, 2005 03:18 PM (y4DOI)

2 You ROAR, girl. Happy birthday, too. What Jennifer said. LOL xoxo

Posted by: Margi at November 12, 2005 06:38 AM (nwEQH)

3 It is so wonderful to read about you courageously taking back control of your life and your dreams. You are an inspiration. Have a wonderful time in Paris! I hope this is the first of many new journeys for you.

Posted by: Lucinda at November 12, 2005 08:24 AM (OPvIN)

4 You go, girl!!!! Roar Woman!!! Do I hear Helen Reddy in the background?? Yes, I do!!! Hugs to you!!

Posted by: Azalea at November 12, 2005 09:19 AM (hRxUm)

5 A lot of the churchs have concerts. If you can go to one, they are marvelous. We also heard vespers in Notre Dame. We aren't Catholic and didn't understand the service, but it was beautiful and moving to sit in the church and be in a service. It made the church a living thing, that people have always worshipped in instead of a tourist attraction you were walking through (and I'm not religous). Have a wonderful time.

Posted by: Robin at November 13, 2005 05:01 AM (4iJ3P)

6 Have FUN!!

Posted by: Kris at November 13, 2005 10:56 AM (q+hax)

7 Dream on, girl. Dream on... Have a fantastic time and a wonderful birthday and beyond. You are heading for all sorts of great things in the years to come. You are letting yourself live again ... Lead yourself into the light again. That's wonderful!

Posted by: Sol at November 14, 2005 02:45 AM (2qH2H)

8 Have a WONDERFUL time!!!

Posted by: Monica C. at November 14, 2005 10:17 AM (gkN3L)

9 Au revoir!! Have a fantastic time living out another of your dreams

Posted by: Jules at November 14, 2005 12:37 PM (urYq4)

10 Right now, you are in my favorite place in the whole world. Paris. And I hope you are falling in love, all over again. With Paris, with CD, with life. Be blessed, dear friend.

Posted by: Cheryl at November 14, 2005 08:43 PM (IEK/5)

11 HURRAY! I love this post Elizabeth. Beautiful, and I hope you are having a wonderful time.

Posted by: halloweenlover at November 15, 2005 08:30 AM (cdEd4)

12 Have a wonderful time!

Posted by: A.K. at November 15, 2005 11:57 AM (fSoFs)

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Earlier this week, I bought 3 new bras for my trip to Paris. Because I just couldn't see me going to Paris in my tired old badly fitting beige ones.

The new bras are all the same size and manufacturer. I decided to wear each one once to make sure it fit - because you don't really know until you're about 10 hours into the day.

Monday's bra was a cute yellow number that looked great under a low-cut shirt and my green suede jacket. Comfy and supportive all day. Forgot I was wearing it. Thinking of marrying it.

Tuesday's bra was pink and a little tight across the chest and rode up a little. Had to adjust it a few times. Felt a little saggy, but not too bad.

Today's bra is a black lace torture device. It is tight across the chest, saggy, and the underwires are poking my arm. My ARM! As I type!

Do you know how hard it is to type while being poked in the upper arm by your underwire? Do you? Well?

I do NOT UNDERSTAND THE BRASSIERE INDUSTRY. I am completely baffled. I am about to be umpty-ump years old and having been wearing bras for most of those years and I am no closer to foundation garment zen than I was as a teenager.

We caught a piece about a bra shop in Paris that will hand-make a bra to women's precise measurements. The cost? Around 2 grand. If I had it, would I spend it? YES. YES. YES. Because these things NEED a bra. They can't be let to waggle loose, you know. They could put an eye out. Probably mine.

So - 3 bras in identical sizes and identical manufacturer with the results being 1 that fits, 1 that will do but not great, and 1 that should be classified as a weapon. Ye Gods.

Well, I hope Paris likes Yellow.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:43 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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All these years of getting so close, and now - finally - I am days from getting on a direct flight to Paris.

Except, you know, the rioting. The disenfranchised of France are rising up. My heart goes out to everyone touched by the violence.

And I'm looking at my non-refundable tickets, and like so many people in the world today - I am not sure what to do.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:21 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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1 The rioting is in the economically-depressed suburbs of Paris. I doubt you will have much contact with the strife beyond newspaper headlines in your historic locales and hotel. Don't let a current event spoil your anticipation. It's going to be great!

Posted by: Philip at November 07, 2005 07:52 AM (R3FWx)

2 What Philip said.

Posted by: Busy Mom at November 07, 2005 08:00 AM (JnTRH)

3 go. Have a fabulous time. If you're really worried, check the State Department website to see if there are any new cautions posted for France before you go.....

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 07, 2005 08:13 AM (/vgMZ)

4 Or, take the tickets to Paris, fly to Paris, and instead of staying in France, take a flight internally in Europe and go to Italy. Rome, Venice, Florence. Waaay romantic. Great food. No rioting, at present. Just another option if the circumstances in France at the moment are a turnoff.

Posted by: RP at November 07, 2005 09:22 AM (LlPKh)

5 If nothing else, think of it as being a part of history. "I was there"

Posted by: Jazzy at November 07, 2005 09:29 AM (H2JDL)

6 I think you will have a FABULOUS time in Paris. I can't wait to hear the travel stories when you return.

Posted by: Laura at November 07, 2005 02:26 PM (FzMzF)

7 Oh just go -- you'll be fine in Paris proper -- the riots are in the suburbs. Paris is wonderful, and well, politically incorrect though this is, wealthy enough to insulate tourists from all the unpleasantness. Paris! I love Paris -- go -- walk -- eat. Make sure you hit the food halls at the Bon Marche, and the Jardins du Luxembourg and make sure to stop and eat at any yummy-looking bistro -- you'll love it. It'll be great --

Posted by: Charlotte Freeman at November 07, 2005 02:30 PM (F3oXb)

8 GO!!!

Posted by: kalisah at November 07, 2005 03:50 PM (C7RFb)

9 It's no problem-we talked to our Parisian friends who said what Philip said-it's only in the low income parts of Paris, not at all anywhere near central Paris or the area you will be. They laughed and said as long as seeing the projects isn't on your agenda, ees no prollum. You will be fine

Posted by: Helen at November 07, 2005 08:03 PM (iSw6s)

10 No worries! My best friend is there right now and she is having a fabulous time and hasn't seen anything bad at all. You are going to have SUCH A GREAT TIME! I am sooooo jealous!

Posted by: halloweenlover at November 08, 2005 08:23 AM (cdEd4)

11 The NY Times says mostly the same thing: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/07/travel/07parisweb.html Their only suggestion is maybe not to take the train from de Gaule airport.

Posted by: Elizabeth at November 08, 2005 09:48 AM (v+q53)

12 I guess I missed this. Are you going to business or pleasure??

Posted by: Lord Bacchus at November 08, 2005 11:08 AM (qH8o6)

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