I have a friend in trouble.

She is the most decent, honorable, and professional person I know. Her career is to help the most disadvantaged children in the state. Look in the newspaper - those horror stories that you read about children who have been found to be abused or neglected in the most heinous ways? That's when my friend's phone rings.

Unfortunately, her mentor and boss slowly lost his scruples along the way. And a sterling example of everything a private welfare agency should be was eaten away until only my friend was left to champion the ideals she still holds.

She knew something was going very wrong. Like a distant bell that would get loud and then fade again.

About 2 years ago the emergencies - no money for payroll, overdue audits - started coming every few months. She'd rally and rant until the boss would clean up everything. We, her friends, would cluck our tongues and suggest that maybe, just maybe, she ought to build an exit strategy.

And then, in the last year, the slippery slope got slicker. And she ended up taking out a bridge loan to keep things going for a while. But she soon realized it was irrevocably over.

Tearfully, she closed up shop and cobbled together care for the clients still in her agency's care. Meanwhile, her boss was hard to find and his stories harder to believe.

Her savings almost gone, her career in crisis. And then the letter arrived from the government, followed by meetings with lawyers and accountants.

And all because she stayed too long at the party. For all the right reasons. For the kids to whom she was the only consistent adult in their lives. For the kids who clung to her, in a sea of beaurocracy. She ignored that distant bell.

And it may end up bankrupting her and her future.

As we talked today, with tears in our voice as we tried to reasonably walk through best-case and worst-case scenarios, I couldn't help but see the parallels. Dressed up in neon and bouncing on that trampoline, I'm pretty sure the whole planet could see them.

"I don't want to admit..."

"It's OK."

"It's not the same."

"I know."

"I mean, we're talking about..."

"We're going to get through all this the best we can."

And I couldn't believe that she was comforting me at a time like this, selfish bitch that I must be.

She wanted to hear about the latest fight CD and I had, and how we're losing ground an inch at a time. It took her mind off the quarter million dollars in back corporate taxes and fines that she can't possibly pay and frankly shouldn't have to.

Then we cried some more, and yelled, and thought up fundraising ideas (would anyone pay to see me naked in a calendar?) and ridiculous notions (she is so NOT moving back in with her mom!).

And I love her. And she loves me. And we are messy, fallible women. Who stay too long at the party.

But for all the right reasons.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 11:20 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I know the feeling. I am thinking of you and your friend.

Posted by: t at March 31, 2005 12:08 PM (sjc/Q)

2 To see you naked? How much are we talking? I'm assuming at least in the low 5 figures, right? Seriously, your friend has a lawyer, right? Her own, I mean. If not, I can ask around and find someone, I bet. I'm sorry. I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

Posted by: RP at March 31, 2005 02:10 PM (X3Lfs)

3 A) Me, naked. Low-self-esteem Corporate Mommy says - I would pay people NOT to look. High-self-esteem CM says - if you have to ask, you couldn't afford me! B) Oh yeah, she has a GREAT lawyer. Just wish he did family law (grumble mumble). Don't be sorry for me, RP... lawyers are a necessary evil (uh, whoops. You know I meant excepting YOU, right?) ... I just seem to need a lot of them right now. *sigh*

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 31, 2005 02:18 PM (vjq8o)

4 What a blessing you are in her life. We always find our real friends when we're in the dumps. Seems like you're doing just fine at #100 in your top 100 list.

Posted by: ieatcrayonz at March 31, 2005 03:39 PM (AMZDV)

5 E, you know that I'd be happy to find you a family lawyer in Chicago if you want one. All you have to do is ask. I believe I am about to buy a new house. Trust me, I have to ask!

Posted by: RP at April 01, 2005 01:23 AM (LlPKh)

6 that's just so wrong that the one person trying to do the right thing - take care of the kids - is the one suffering the consequences of all this.

Posted by: kalisah at April 01, 2005 03:18 AM (mDgS4)

7 how bout setting up some sort of donation page for her... maybe set her up with her own blog, link it to yours. Rally woman! RALLY! Encourage all of your blogroll peeps to add a link to there blogs. Have her write about the children she helped, the children who needed her. Obviously not naming names, or even specific scenarios. It might not get her millions of dollars. But it's gotta help a little bit right? Just trying to think of solutions. I know you're both hurting, and sometimes the best cure for that is a shoulder to cry on... looks like you both have it.

Posted by: Suz at April 01, 2005 03:51 AM (GhfSh)

8 I don't understand how a non-profit can have tax liability. I hope her lawyer gets it straightened out quickly. The IRS is evil. And I don't think it's possible to stay too long at the party. You might save yourself some heartache by leaving early, but you would definitely blow your chance for happiness. I think it's worth the risk.

Posted by: notdonnareed at April 01, 2005 01:22 PM (82Da3)

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*Turns out that Average Mom and I decided to write almost the exact same post. Only her first. And funnier. And a little more insightful. Heh.

Over Easter dinner, I was asked why I blog.

And the conversation careened and stuttered from there, as I felt compelled for some reason to explain all the good that has come out of my blogging.

But what about the drawbacks?

Have I turned myself into a soap opera?

The troubles finding a partnership that works for my marriage, the struggles in raising my only son, my windmill-tilting as a female in a strictly masculine corporate structure. My slow slide to what I am sure is a stress-induced nutty.

Why share all this?

Is it still a diary if you purposely share it with the world?

Or just expositional exhibitionism?

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:27 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Beats me. I ask myself questions like these all the time. When you get a good answer, be a dear and let me know, ok?

Posted by: RP at March 29, 2005 06:15 AM (LlPKh)

2 We share because the feedback is so crucial! Did you see my entry March 13? It's all about the cash in the thong, baby!

Posted by: Tammy at March 29, 2005 09:47 AM (aFeo0)

3 I think we do it because we are the literary equivalent of the trenchcoat flasher.

Posted by: Jim at March 30, 2005 03:13 AM (tyQ8y)

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A couple of targets were hit in the last few days.

First of all, I finished writing a story. After umpteen years of starting and never finishing the Great American Novel (and coming to the conclusion that I just suck rocks at fiction), I had an idea and finished it. 135 pages, 10 chapters. Not quite a book. On an idea based on characters someone else created. Just to see if I could do it. And then I let some strangers read it and provide criticism and feedback. It was all very nervy of me, really. The response was kind, but I am not sure I will ever do it again. Just proud I did it this time.

I went clothes shopping, too. I hardly ever do this because I am overweight. Since becoming pregnant with Bear (and lying down for most of a year), I gained a LOT of weight. And I couldn't afford to. I had spent my adult life fighting chubbiness (although I was a skinny kid) so now I well and truly look like a weeble. I have 4 decent office outfits that I can mix and match, and none are great quality. I invest our clothing budget more in CD (he never asks, I just buy the stuff). He's always the same size and very well shaped and fun to dress. (ahem)

So for the past 3 days, the three of us have hauled ourselves through shoe stores and clothing stores. Trudge trudge trudge. Up to Lord & Taylor's and down to Talbot's. Yes, the upscale places do make clothes in my size (not that I'm saying what it is). I got black silk slacks and a silk blend black blazer. And a deep-blue short-sleeved silk sweater. (Silk, it was a theme.) Even bought high-heeled pumps, although God knows they don't slim me the way the magazines say. I think I look more like a bowling pin on sticks but I'm trying, and I think that's probably progress.

Got my hair done, and my nails, and some treatments on my face. Even bought some new makeup.

In short, I have done all those external things that I slowly have stopped doing for myself since Bear was born. Because after that, I stopped liking my reflection. That's it, I guess. And I realized last week with a start how bare my self-care regimen has become.

Not that I am going to throw myself back into the world of constant spa treatments and $50 underpants, but I decided that maybe I needed to stop martyring myself. No one is asking me too and it's not exactly making me a nicer person (or nicely dressed).

And, finally, I got myself somewhat of a demotion. Working for a conservative corporation the size of a small European country, executive positions are very hard to come by. Mega is not top-heavy by any stretch of the imagination. So this last assignment, which was Director-level responsibilities, was a pretty big "get" (which, of course, I was hiding from). Somehow last week I managed to downgrade my position in the program to Deputy Director.

I'm still not sure how I pulled it off. But after the initial 60 days this summer working on location, I have been told (since I'm only a Deputy type now) that my work schedule will be much more flexible. That sounds good, right?

After that, I sat CD down and told him that I did understand all his practical concerns (I make twice the money, am vested in both stock and retirement, have full benefits, etc.) I get that it makes no sense, none at all.

But if we are going to make it together, we need to find a way to make this happen no matter the sacrifices: Me as a full-time mom. For at least a year, soon.

I know that there are a lot of people in the world who would think that cutting our family's income by 2/3 is crazy and irresponsible, that there will be little financial security and a lot of sacrifices.

But I needed to say it - that this was the most important thing. And I needed him to hear it, and not just nod his head and walk away and another 6 months go by. One of my weakest traits is that I don't communicate my personal priorities well. The people I work with think I must be devastated that I got the Deputy assignment ('You were robbed!' said an IM I got).

Well, that's fine. But at home I needed to change tactics. I think it is possible that I never shouted loud enough to be heard before.

I have now.

Bulls-eye. I don't know what happens next. And maybe that's OK for right now.

So off I go, southbound for a few days to meet my team before kickoff. Wish me luck.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:53 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Yay for targets, and all the best!

Posted by: Jean at March 22, 2005 04:34 AM (g+uTc)

2 yay you! Going shopping! And buying clothes and make-up! Yay for reatail therapy!!

Posted by: kalisah at March 22, 2005 04:52 AM (mDgS4)

3 i am wishing you luck been reading a while but not commented before - i really hope this all works out for you Elizabeth abs x

Posted by: abs at March 22, 2005 06:43 AM (H4UBW)

4 Good for you, nothing feels better than buying some good clothes that fit you and you feel good in. I hope you find you like St. Louis, it's really not a bad place.

Posted by: A.K. at March 22, 2005 06:50 AM (80QDM)

5 Best of luck! You know I'm rooting for you. *walking away, singing, ". . . and I'm gonna drive it all night long"* Thanks for the ear worm!

Posted by: RP at March 22, 2005 07:03 AM (LlPKh)

6 Way to go, E! Stand firm on it, own it, claim it and always defend your dreams -- for it is a relationship built on love that meets both of your needs that will be successful. In life's end, it isn't money that we'll remember. It's the special relationships that we nutured along the journey that will fill our soul.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 22, 2005 08:18 AM (QhI+Z)

7 Wow!!! I'm impressed! Finishing a story is a VERY BIG DEAL. You must feel great. It's amazing what a nice outfit and a good haircut can do for your self-esteem. When I look back on my shaggy-hair/sweats period, I can't believe I let myself go like that. Losing weight is extremely difficult, but getting a haircut and buying a decent outfit is really pretty easy. I totally agree that there are more important things than money, stock options, and 401k. I gave up a bunch of money to stay home with my son, and I'd do it again. Well, most days I would. Your husband might freak out a little about being the only breadwinner (mine did), but he'll adjust. You both will. And there's still plenty of time (and plenty of earning power) for you to save for retirement. I also think that people in high-stress jobs periodically need a break. In my company, they actually offered sabbaticals to people after a certain number of years, because your brain really needs to decompress. Otherwise, you start suffering stress-related illnesses, and you're not as effective at your job. I think it's great that you're going to take the time you need to enjoy your son and recharge your batteries. Just a thought -- CD might feel better about it if he can see a spreadsheet of how you'll make the finances work in the short term and also if you commit to resuming your career by a certain time. Honestly, I was shocked at how fidgety my husband got when I stopped working, because we really did have plenty of money, and he's normally a very laid-back guy, but I guess it's a big responsibility to suddenly be the only person keeping your family afloat.

Posted by: notdonnareed at March 22, 2005 01:38 PM (82Da3)

8 P.S. I wish you luck, but I don't think you'll need it. :-)

Posted by: notdonnareed at March 22, 2005 01:40 PM (82Da3)

9 You got it! Full luck wishing mode activated. Damn, that sounded way less nerdy in my head. If you'd like to show that short off I'd love to see it. Some of your stuff here borders on amazing. I'd really like to see some of your project writing.

Posted by: Jim at March 22, 2005 03:04 PM (MDLz3)

10 I am so glad you are doing what you need to do for you, and for you both, really. Good luck!!

Posted by: Bond Girl at March 23, 2005 05:34 AM (8caiM)

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Note to self: Honeypie, until you find your freaking brain again, stop making blog posts and then, you know, POSTING them. It just leads to editing, re-editing, and apologies. Time to sit quietly with your words and have a nice glass of chianti, mkay?

I want - must - say thanks. I am more misty-eyed than you know that there is a whole bunch of people, non-strangers, who have showered kindness at a difficult time.

I know my situation, although it has me in considerable pain, is nothing against the real hurts in the world. My life is full of blessings - a healthy family, a good job, and a home in a safe and pleasant neighborhood.

But such compassion, despite this. Each and every one of you is my favorite person in the blogisphere.

To answer the big question. We are not filing for divorce.

I need a lawyer because we've decided to write down a post-nuptial agreement that, if nothing else, will make a legal promise that in taking Bear to St Louis for the summer, I promise to bring him back.

All things considered, it is a fair and reasonable thing to do. Many movies of the week say so.

Don't knock movies of the week; they also drove home the importance of condoms, cell-phones, and a good hair stylist.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:10 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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So, first off let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!!!! You insanely beautiful and creative person, you! (How do you keep getting better all the time?)

Secondly, let me say: Thank you. I will respond to everyone who has commented. I try to do that anyway, but right now the love and support is overwhelming and healing and I can't begin to express my gratitude.

Thirdly, let me say: I had to edit my entry. I broke a promise and I feel bad. It was wrong of me to reveal what I did without the someone else's consent.

Forthly, and is that a word?: So I have plans in place now. I spoke to our bookkeeper and my boss and made about a bazillion calls. I will need a lawyer to help put some things down on paper, but otherwise it looks good.

Door #1: If it is St Louis, then I talked to the Admissions Director of an outstanding Montessori there and he's got a place in their summer program. I'm not saying that it would be the world's most fun summer, living in a Hotel. But we could make it QUITE the adventure and still find fireflies to catch and still drive home to Chicago on weekends.

DOOR #2: If it is the suburbs, then I will take Bear to work with me. There's a Montessori near (minutes!) away from the client site.

What happens after the summer is still a big dark blank, but then again - this is what Project Managers do. If there is anything I can do well then it is this - plan, manage, adjust, assess risk, balance the budget, and plan.

But just so we're clear, I would much rather be good at play-doh, treasure hunts, homemade cookies, flashcards, and lego's.

Meanwhile, I'll find out more tomorrow.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 10:56 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Note: I had to go back and edit this entry. Because I did agree that I would not discuss CD's medical issues, treatment, our marital issues, treatment, or 'what happened' openly in this forum. And I broke that agreement. I was wrong. - C.M.

When we decided to become parents together, we decided that one of us would always be home with our child. It was something I felt strongly in my bones, no judgement on how anyone else does things.

We both had good jobs, either salary would do, so I stayed home.

But it didn't last.

Now there are 18 months between now and Bear going to Kindegarten. And my job pushing (hard!) for me to step up with a new level of commitment that I just don't want to give. I've been dreaming of being home, being this kid's mom. This last big chunk of time before school starts.

But that expectation is a lot. No matter how I would have structured it - what package or part-time job, it still would have made CD's job the prime income.

Clearly that was too much expectation. And I ranted and I raved, but really that was for my own benefit. Because this dream of mine is just not going to become real.

And as I sit here, trying not to cry like a big wuss, I realize that I truly don't know what to do next. I have held on to this dream being just around the corner for so long, that I never really thought about what the alternative would be. Expecially an alternative that keeps me away from my son for 12 hours a day.

I know I'm an idiot. But with our our earning power, I've really just thought me quitting was always - "just as soon as..."

I've got to take Bear to preschool now. And then come home and get to work. Yes, of course this is what millions of people do every day and I know that I'm not special and all this is like so much wet tissue disintegrating in a puddle somewhere.

It'll just take some time. That's all. And then it'll be just fine.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:31 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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