Like an internal alarm, I've been realizing lately that there are things in my life that have been going on too long. That I have been letting slip and slide. Thinking about changing but never really getting a foothold.

So I made the decision to get moving. After New Year's I began slowly putting my shoulder to the roadblocks in the path of my happiness.

I had my bookkeeper separate our finances, so that we could each shoulder a fair share and I could stop feeling bitter about having to go back to work. And it is begining to help, emotionally.

I told my management that I wanted the luxury of off the promotion track, and they agreed.

I put a deadline on how long I would work in this house, under these conditions (this place has been stalled "in the middle of a rehab" for years and it is a miserable place to spend 20 hours a day). And CD agreed.

And finally, I looked down at my overweight body and decided I needed help. Real help. So I found a new GP, and we came up with some strategies. She's a wonderful doctor, and supportive of what I've done so far and the goals I have (which are reasonable).

I came out of her office pumped up but then I immediately began wobbling. For 3 months now, I have been wobbling. Toes in the pool, but still undecided.

This morning I made the call. In 10 days, I begin down the path that will ultimately have a rubber band tied around my stomach to help me lose this weight. (Note, this is NOT Gastric Bypass. This is something called "Lap Band" - reversable, adjustable, and much less invasive, less risky, and less drastic than gastric bypass.)

I'm nervous, and scared.

I feel weak for needing help.

But I want back the energy and health and attractiveness that I had. It's been 5 years since I began gaining the weight, and I have to give up this idea that somehow it will melt off if I just eat right, or try a new diet, or just excersize a little more.

So even though I am scared, I'm going to put one foot in front of the other.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:22 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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My Blogiversary is tomorrow today over!

Thank you.

You crazy people have honored me with almost 40,000 visits. 1300 1457 comments. You are amazing, amazing, amazing.

All my life, I wanted to be an author. And you made me one. Because of this blog. Because I wrote, and you read.

So, thank you. Thank you for listening. For allowing me to get to know you, for this dialogue, for this community.

In my gratitude, I'm going to answer the 3 most popular questions I get and leave this answer up until the end of tomorrow. So without further ado:

1) What do I look like?
2) Am I really a senior manager in a Fortune 400 company?
3) Can I read the SciFi story you wrote?

Words can not express my affection and indebtedness to the folks who have stopped by and commented. You've made this year, you beautiful nutty wonderful people. You ....complete me.

Now I'm all sniffly.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:36 AM | Comments (26) | Add Comment
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1 You are gorgeous! And I love your writing. I'm not that into SciFi (romance is my thing), but your excerpt is really compelling. I'd love to read the whole thing.

Posted by: notdonnareed at May 25, 2005 07:55 AM (82Da3)

2 You're hot. And I say that in a totally heterosexual way.

Posted by: Beth at May 25, 2005 09:44 AM (VHOkp)

3 You are so attractive and foxy at the same time. I would love to read your sci-fi story. Would you send me the link? Keep on smiling!!

Posted by: Azalea at May 25, 2005 10:31 AM (hRxUm)

4 Gorgeous. Simply. And it's we who should be thanking you for letting us tag along. Happy Bloggyday, Elizabeth!

Posted by: Jennifer at May 25, 2005 10:47 AM (MbhV6)

5 Gorgeous!

Posted by: Bond Girl aka Kimberly at May 25, 2005 12:06 PM (8caiM)

6 Isn't it wonderful therapy? You posts are therapy for me, as much as writing them can be therapy for you too. I am, as well, a corporate mommy, as you so eloquently put it.

Posted by: beautifulface at May 25, 2005 12:39 PM (Eti16)

7 Okay, you are so pretty... and smart... someday I'm coming up there and we're totally going to go cry in our margaritas. You have no idea how many times I've read the cosmic answers to my cosmic questions on your blog. Thank you for writing!

Posted by: Stacy at May 25, 2005 12:55 PM (PvMKh)

8 Absolutely gorgeous, Darlink! Happy Blogiversary too!! I'll have the kiddo send you over some "soup" ASAP.

Posted by: Michele at May 25, 2005 01:33 PM (JFMyp)

9 Congratulations on your blogiversary! (did I spell that right?) Thank you for letting the internet see a slice of your life. I see so many similarities between your life and mine, it is nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles. Keep writing - you're doing a great job!

Posted by: t at May 25, 2005 02:08 PM (sjc/Q)

10 Happy Blogiversary, Elizabeth! Love the picture, by the way. Just great!

Posted by: RP at May 25, 2005 02:09 PM (X3Lfs)

11 Congratulations! I've been enjoying your posts for many weeks now. My life is very different from yours, but I so appreciate your sharing such candid glimpses into your life. Truly.... I don't know how you manage it all.

Posted by: carlakeet at May 25, 2005 02:26 PM (7hoV6)

12 I've seen your sweet face over at Blue Sloth. But this full on face of yours - lovely! Bravo to you, Elizabeth, one of the great writers in the blogosphere. I feel lucky that I found you back in September. Your admiring fan, Grace

Posted by: GraceD at May 25, 2005 03:39 PM (cRTn2)

13 Happy Blogiversary, Baby! You write wonderfully. You ARE an author. And you're lovely. Inside and outside. I respect you, I am in awe of you and I (heart) you, too. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at May 25, 2005 06:17 PM (lWAiX)

14 I think you look wonderful! Thanks so much for sharing your picture - I know it's hard to do. Part of the reason I hate to log on to my own blog is the pic of me there. Even though I like it, it's still a bit much. Hmmm, that was all about me and not you. Happy Blog-iversary!

Posted by: Carmen at May 26, 2005 01:07 AM (6h91R)

15 It's so great to put a face with a blog! Thanks for sharing your stories with us and congratulations on your one-year out here!

Posted by: karmajenn at May 26, 2005 03:14 AM (fx1A8)

16 Happy anniversary!!!

Posted by: ben at May 26, 2005 04:31 AM (cMBPb)

17 Happy anniversary, Baby! (I love the picture, too!)

Posted by: Helen at May 26, 2005 05:17 AM (8wm0s)

18 Happy Blogaversary to you!

Posted by: Elizabeth at May 26, 2005 05:33 AM (v+q53)

19 Elizabeth! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!

Posted by: kalisah at May 26, 2005 06:11 AM (B6gHW)

20 if i looked as good as you i would post pictures everywhere! Although i always suspected you were dark haired - dont know why! I am a Brit nad don't work in anything like business so have no idea what a fortune 400 company is, but i am sure it is almost as impressive as your pic abs x

Posted by: abs at May 26, 2005 06:35 AM (ouyty)

21 E, you look wonderful! I'm proud to call you my cyber-twin (though we look nothing alike - I'm African-American, for starters!). Thanks for writing in this marvelous blog and keep up the great work!

Posted by: Monica C. at May 26, 2005 06:58 AM (gkN3L)

22 You are absolutely adorable (on the inside and outside). I love your writing and will keep coming back for more... Happy anniversary and THANK YOU for letting us enjoy your amazing blog.

Posted by: Sol at May 26, 2005 10:33 AM (kIpeD)

23 Happy anniversary!

Posted by: trb at May 26, 2005 11:31 AM (LRR15)

24 Damn. I'm still catching up on my blogreading and I missed this vital date. Happy Belated Blogiversary! Heh. The disappearing answers didn't apply to me since: 1) You've held your bosoms against my chest.* 2) Got the skinny on that way back when I was an unemployed bum.** 3) Read it.*** * It was a hug, you perverts. Get your minds out of the gutter. ** Or should that be described as "disemployed"? *** And liked it! Y'all can email me with bribes. I take PayPal and GreenZap so it's really easy.

Posted by: Jim at May 31, 2005 09:33 AM (tyQ8y)

25 Arghh, I missed it! But Happy Blogiversary!

Posted by: Jean at May 31, 2005 01:24 PM (g+uTc)

26 ok, that's not fair -- I was away on a 4 day weekend and I missed EVERYTHING. DUDE. so not cool. umm, e-mail me? please? I'll be yo' best friend. Jen

Posted by: Jen_Jake'smom at June 01, 2005 01:36 AM (2/T1v)

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I understand the her feelings. I remember a day in Butte, Montana - back when I was a road warrior - I remember watching the thick gray thunderclouds scroll across the sky bringing rain. The moment that the drops began to fall on me.

I remember that sensation, of knowing it was moments away.

It is overcast today, and I sit at my desk and look out the windows at the mottled sky. I am not in St Louis. I am here, in my pajamas. Watching the sky. Hiding from my email and my thick pages of project documentation.

By day, I plan my life. I make steps to get healthier, leaner, more polished, better trained. I read about how to better parent my son. I make steps towards all those executive responsibilities. I think about a future in local politics.

By night, I loathe it all. What, the world needs one more powerhouse program manager? Ha! I want to be ....actually raising my son - instead of reading about it. I want to be kicking a ball around, teaching him to cook, going for our long walks in the daylight. I want to be writing a book. I am no longer enamored with this work-in-progress we call a house. I am done being Suzy Corporate.

How much time do I really have on this planet? Why is my life upside down... ? Part of me woders if I have the guts to do it. Stick a "for Sale" sign in the front yard and buy a different life. So what, CD isn't going to help make it happen. Can't I just make it happen myself?

It is overcast today. The furious wind of my discontentment is rushing through the shadows. Part of me hopes the weather passes soon.

The other part cries for change.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:04 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 You wrote that so well. I send all my wishes for successful change to make your heart content

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at May 02, 2005 03:39 AM (QhI+Z)

2 Why can't you make it happen by yourself?? The part of you that is crying for change needs to be heard. My earnest hope is that you will begin a dialogue with her, that part of you that has important topics to discuss. Hugs!!!!!

Posted by: azalea at May 02, 2005 08:27 AM (hRxUm)

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