It was a good news/bad news situation.

What to do when holding a positive pregnancy test, in the knowledge that you'd gone through half a box of Stay-Free Lights the week before in what you'd thought was your period?

Well, what we did was get scared. Immediately. While still standing in the bathroom, before CD had even finished getting the shampoo from his hair.

In a surreal haze - when you KNOW it's all surreal but still manage to put one foot in front of the other - we got ourselves out of the house and off to work.

I called my friend M. on the cell phone during the morning commute. I told her what was going on and she urged me to call my doctor. So I did, but the the nurse on duty told me that my usual doctor was in the process of retiring (NOW?!?) and wasn't around. She would have to hunt down another doctor for me.

I got to work about an hour later (argh I was working in the far west suburbs!) and immediately as I sat down, the nurse called and told me she had found someone who could see me.

I stood back up and walked out the door.

An hour and a half later, CD and I met with Dr. S.; CD held my hand as Dr. S did an internal exam as well as ordering several others. (This was CD's first introduction to a speculum. Dr: "CD - this is the big shiny medeival device I am about to insert into your wife" CD: "Gah?")

We pretended everything was fine. Yes - we made small talk. Don't underestimate our ability to make small talk under the most extreme of conditions. If there was a contest for this, we'd be the undisputed champions.

Then Dr. S. sat us down and explained to us that although I was pregnant, I was also bleeding, my cervix wasn't fully closed, and combined with the cramping - he believed...

He believed my body was not supporting the pregnancy.

He gave us a handout entitled "Miscarriage". He said he would pray for us. He scheduled us for a follow-up sonogram. Said we would discuss "options" afterwards. He actually said "aprox. 1 out of 10 pregnancies end up in 'silent miscarriages'."

I knew the drill, but this was CD's first experience with the "it doesn't always go well" world. WE held hands tightly, as Dr. S. scheduled an Ultrasound for us for later in the week.

We went home with our "So, you've had a miscarriage" handout; angry, quiet, at turns telling each other it was fine. CD gently tucked me into the couch with my legs up. We didn't have a conversation. We just waited.

After two brutal days and nights of spotting and cramping and crying, we reported to the local hospital for the Ultrasound. The technician made CD wait outside while he searched for the fetus. (Something no one will ever, ever, ever do to us again. We are immeasurably stronger together than we are apart.)

The technician found it (A jellybean, really), and the nurse went to get CD in. We watched for agonizing moments as the technician tried to find heart movement or heart sounds.

And then. The miracle. We just hung on and listened to the beautiful noise and cried. We were still, amazingly, beautifully pregnant!

And for the first time, we were happy. Just for then. As we floated down the stairs and out the door and down the sidewalk. As we plucked the parking ticket off the windshield of the car.

Happy. Pregnant. Happy.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:19 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 612 words, total size 3 kb.

The 5-year plan (and there was one) was to buy a home, upgrade the car, travel, and bank some money before embarking on parenthood.

Knowing we would want kids, I went to my doctor when we became engaged to get some preconception advice. He told us we couldn't start too early on the whole health kick thing. So I quit smoking (and gained 20 lbs doing it!), started intensive swimming 3 times a week and changed our diet.

CorporateDaddy (CD) was given some assignments as well, though of a more personal nature. But 15 months ahead of when we were going to START trying to conceive, I woke one morning from a surreal dream about us being pregnant.I shot into the bathroom and began digging around in the Bermuda Triangle of stuff under the sink, sure there was half of an old pregnancy kit in there from a "near miss" month.

CD was taking a shower, warning me that if I used the toilet I should under NO circumstances flush. I was a woman possessed. I found the wrapped stick and did what a person generally does to utilize it.Immediately, there were two pink lines. Two. CD was asking me what I was doing. I thrust the stick into the shower, inches from his big, nearsighted, brown eyes. The ones full of shampoo.

CD took the stick from me and held it close up. "What am I looking at?" he asked.

"How many lines are there?" I shot back.

He squinted for a long minute and handed the stick back to me. "Two." He confirmed.

"We're pregnant!" I shouted at him.

In my stunned state, I forgot his warning and turned to sit down. Flushing before I did so. CD didn't even notice.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 06:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 297 words, total size 2 kb.

This is my journal of expecting Bear, my son.

I started it at my mother's urging as a way to deal with the stress of being on "modified" bedrest with a high risk pregnancy.

That was the prescription for having a baby despite hypertension and pre-term labor that started in the 7th week.

On a lighter note, let me quote from one of my favorite resources - Vicki Iovine's book "Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy."

"As unique and special as your pregnancy is, it can tend to lose its fascinating and compelling aspects to everyone but your mother and you about halfway through. And unfortunately, a pregnant womanÂ’s need for attention is about as deep as the Grand Canyon. I hate to be so blunt, but it is important for you to remember, YOU DID NOT INVENT PREGNANCY, and eventually you will have to resort to PAYING PEOPLE TO REMAIN CAPTIVATED BY YOUR CONDITION."

Dear husband and I are cheap. Therefore, I firmly expect that the only person to read this will be my mother.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:27 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 184 words, total size 1 kb.

1. I was born female, blonde, fair-skinned and mostly heterosexual to a upper-middle class family in New England.

2. The rest of it is my fault.

3. Being a Yankee means being part of a strange clan of thrifty folk who eschew make-up, love the outdoors, flock to outlet stores in droves, and believe kindergarten teachers should have advanced degrees from Harvard.

4. I came to Chicago in college and fell in love with the city. It is where I have come back to, whenever I have gone away.

5. My son is a miracle, who was born after 7 months of bedrest and prayer. (I can get pregnant easily. My body just doesn't like staying that way.)

6. My favorite color is blue. Any blue.

7. Being a parent is the greatest honor of my life.

8. I met my husband in 1997, and we agreed we wouldn't be serious. Just a fling.

9. Ha.

10. I have an HUGE sense of humor.

11. No, really.

12. Sure, everyone thinks they have a sense of humor.

13. I own my beliefs. No person on Earth gets to tell me how to love God or worship. What Christian is. How to be a good wife. Or mother. No one gets to tell me what being patriotic is. Or how to be American.

14. I hate what conservative Republicans have done to the concept of being Christian.

15. My brother called me Lizard growing up.

16. He is my only sibling, and I really wanted to be an only child. Luckily, he escaped all my devious plans and is alive and well to this day.

17. Besides my husband and son, I don't have any family within 900 miles of my home. That makes me sad sometimes.

18. My mom is way cooler than yours.

19. I am an Episcopalian by birth and by choice.

20. I respect all faiths, all paths to Enlightenment, all roads that bring people to kindness towards the planet and its inhabitants.

21. I was a chaplain for 5 years in my 20's.

22. I believe that Free Will is the most important Gift we, as a species, were given.

23. I believe that our choices announce our intentions.

24. I majored in Theology at Loyola.

25. Jesuits love a good theological argument.

26. So do I.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

- C.S. Lewis

27. So do spiders, snakes, and clowns.

28. I once had a professional clown for a cousin-in-law; he actually went to a real sleep-away college to become one.

29. He was cool when he wasn't in the freaky getup.

30. Still hate clowns though. And clown art. And songs about clowns.

31. I dressed up as a clown once for a sponsored pub crawl.

32. I'll do almost anything once.

33. When I was 12, I took a poop on the edge of a lake because I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. A wave caught it and it floated into the swim lane. It was like that turd was following me and I couldn't outswim the thing.

34. Freaking turd.

35. I was a late bloomer; a spastic bookworm, who was teased, bullied and didnÂ’t find my self-confidence until I was in my last years of high school

36. By high school, I had become a joiner. Student government, cheerleading, literary magazine, theater, band, field hockey. I graduated High School with 2 varsity letters, 2 pins, and voted “Most Obnoxiousâ€�.

37. Yes, really.

38. I have Lupus, a disease that affects my immune system.

39. I spent 6 months slowly losing my life until it was diagnosed.

40. I spent another 6 months on crutches, battling neurological problems and relearning to walk once I went into remission.

41. That year sucked.

42. It was during my recovery that I discovered MUDs: I was a kick-ass take-that-you-Orc cleric, guilded.

43. It was the first time in my life that I had fun in a game; it was cathartic to heal stuff, kill stuff, and blow stuff up.

44. One day it was time to let the MUD go *poof* from my life.

45. I am a pragmatist, a concrete realist, and I live in the here and now.

46. I used to look in the mirror and see a loud, smart, curvy, nomadic flake who never finished anything she started: including 4 colleges, 1 sorority rush, 2 engagements, my first marriage, 3 failed pregnancies, 5 novels, and an ordination.

47. Now I see a loud, smart, curvy, funny professional woman who has had the same plants and cats for over 15 years, the same bank for 8 years, the same friends for 10 years, the same partner for 7 years, and the same job for 6 years.

48. I need more polish, physically and socially.

49. I love being female, in all the ways you can imagine.

50. Although that peeing on a tree thing sure would come in handy on occasion.

51. It is my responsibility to leave the world a better place than I found it.

52. This has many practical applications.

53. I live for words. I live for words strung together in concepts, in beauty, in vulnerability, in wit, in revelation.

54. I adore the words of Austen, especially in Pride & Prejudice;

55. I love the Gospels and the Song of Solomon;

56. the first half of Stranger in a Strange Land;

57. the Declaration of Independence;

58. the banter between Beatrice and Benedict in Much Ado about Nothing and the St. Crispin's Day speech from Henry V;

59. the visionary words of Descartes, Einstein, Robert Heinlein, Mother Theresa, Jimmy Carter, Mercedes Lackey, Gene Roddenberry;

60. the text of Robin Williams' riff on Scotsmen and Golf;

61. the lyrics to It's a Wonderful World;

62. movie quotes (especially The Princess Bride);

63. and the words above the little pictures in Doonesbury.

64. I dig words set to music, and music that needs no words.

65. I have 10Gig of music files sucking out my hard drive.

66. I don't own a stereo, and I can't sing.

67. I've taught American Sign Language at 3 colleges.

68. I was a cool teacher. I taught the swear words and dirty signs.

69. I speak marvelously bad French and worse, if possible, Spanish.

70. I am extremely thin-skinned.

71. I read pulp fiction in huge gulps

72. Hey, I was wondering. Do you look different in the mirror than the picture you have of yourself in your head, too?

73. I'm sensitive to sexism. I work in core IT, not the fluffy side. Not many women here.

74. Hey you, woman, get a degree in IT and come join me.

75. My career is serious business. I treat it with respect;

76. but I wish I was a stay at home mom.

77. Yeah, I got nothing for this one.

78. I'm blessed with amazing friendships and chosen sisterhood.

79. If I don't have fresh sheets on the bed on Sunday night then the whole week is headed straight for the crapper.

80. I can't drink anyone under the table. I have the constitution of a gerbil.

81. I'm weak for smart, tall, strong, brown-haired men. Like my husband.

82. I get turned on by the curve of my husband's collarbone, the set of his jaw, the reach of his arms, and his amazing eyelashes.

83. If I had to pick an imaginary character to spend the rest of my life with, it would be John Crichton of Farscape . Hands down, no contest. Mr. Darcy can go soak in second place.

84. I'm an independent voter, a fierce proponent of free will and choices - even those I don't agree with.

85. I'm practically a professional Anglophile. I lived in England in the 90's and would love to again.

86. IÂ’m a Scorpio, Moon in Cancer, Gemini Rising. But IÂ’m not sure what any of that means.

87. I hate being overweight and am constantly fighting to be in better shape.

88. I love to swim.

89. I love to be by the water. I love to sail. I grok the world when I am watching the horizon over the sea.

90. I need to create.

91. After writing, Cooking is my passion.

92. My next career will have something to do with food

93. Clam rolls are nectar from above

94. I'm terminally house proud.

95. Which is pretty sick, considering the state of my house.

96. Overachievement is overrated. Trust me on this. There ain't nothing this world needs less than another chatty Christmas letter

97. Yes, I do a Christmas letter. In November

98. I'm well-traveled, but there is so much more I want to see and experience.

99. If my son ever faces the kind of hell his father and I dealt with in school, we'll pull him out and find alternatives. Maybe travel the world as a family - maybe on a sailboat. Come to think of it, we might do that even if school goes just fine.

100. Not a day goes by that I'm not haunted by wondering how I can do more good in the world.

Since detaching from the East Coast, I have mostly lived around Chicago. Well-travelled, to be sure. I studied Theology at Loyola for many years. Project Management at the University of California. But most of what I've learned comes from on the planet training.

My writing is me: Socially liberal, fiscally conservative, optimistic, Christian, and just a touch goofy.

I believe that common sense is highly underrated. That public office should be filled not by election but by random - just like jury service.

I have absolutely no patience, none whatsoever, with crap-mongering idiots who believe they are endowed with a special right to define others.

So do you.

If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words.


- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I love this country. I despise war. I love being female, in all the ways possible. I love fried clams and old pop music and clean sheets on the bed. I make a great soup from scratch. I can't draw worth a damn. I watch too much television.

I wrote my first book when I was 10 years old. It was an illustrated short story called the "4 W's" about 4 friends who share a treehouse and adventures. By 13, I was keeping a regular journal.

A creative writing teacher once told me to try and cure my tendancies to be "overly sentimental, dependant on cliche.." and to remember that "my talent needs the fuel of bald honesty."

This, from a guy with a tragic comb-over.

I'm just saying.

I've always tried hard to be a writer worthy of the term.

I got sidetracked in 1999, when I was promoted from being a technical writer into management. And then senior management.

I'm over that now.

I dream of becoming an author.

Until then, I will say that life is an adventure so call me an adventurer.

And the greatest asset I have on my travels is love.

If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back as a cockroach.


- Willie Davis

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:16 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 1893 words, total size 11 kb.