March 31, 2005
Stayed too long at the party
I have a friend in trouble.
She is the most decent, honorable, and professional person I know. Her career is to help the most disadvantaged children in the state. Look in the newspaper - those horror stories that you read about children who have been found to be abused or neglected in the most heinous ways? That's when my friend's phone rings.
Unfortunately, her mentor and boss slowly lost his scruples along the way. And a sterling example of everything a private welfare agency should be was eaten away until only my friend was left to champion the ideals she still holds.
She knew something was going very wrong. Like a distant bell that would get loud and then fade again.
About 2 years ago the emergencies - no money for payroll, overdue audits - started coming every few months. She'd rally and rant until the boss would clean up everything. We, her friends, would cluck our tongues and suggest that maybe, just maybe, she ought to build an exit strategy.
And then, in the last year, the slippery slope got slicker. And she ended up taking out a bridge loan to keep things going for a while. But she soon realized it was irrevocably over.
Tearfully, she closed up shop and cobbled together care for the clients still in her agency's care. Meanwhile, her boss was hard to find and his stories harder to believe.
Her savings almost gone, her career in crisis. And then the letter arrived from the government, followed by meetings with lawyers and accountants.
And all because she stayed too long at the party. For all the right reasons. For the kids to whom she was the only consistent adult in their lives. For the kids who clung to her, in a sea of beaurocracy. She ignored that distant bell.
And it may end up bankrupting her and her future.
As we talked today, with tears in our voice as we tried to reasonably walk through best-case and worst-case scenarios, I couldn't help but see the parallels. Dressed up in neon and bouncing on that trampoline, I'm pretty sure the whole planet could see them.
"I don't want to admit..."
"It's OK."
"It's not the same."
"I know."
"I mean, we're talking about..."
"We're going to get through all this the best we can."
And I couldn't believe that she was comforting me at a time like this, selfish bitch that I must be.
She wanted to hear about the latest fight CD and I had, and how we're losing ground an inch at a time. It took her mind off the quarter million dollars in back corporate taxes and fines that she can't possibly pay and frankly shouldn't have to.
Then we cried some more, and yelled, and thought up fundraising ideas (would anyone pay to see me naked in a calendar?) and ridiculous notions (she is so NOT moving back in with her mom!).
And I love her. And she loves me. And we are messy, fallible women. Who stay too long at the party.
But for all the right reasons.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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1
I know the feeling. I am thinking of you and your friend.
Posted by: t at March 31, 2005 12:08 PM (sjc/Q)
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To see you naked? How much are we talking? I'm assuming at least in the low 5 figures, right?
Seriously, your friend has a lawyer, right? Her own, I mean. If not, I can ask around and find someone, I bet.
I'm sorry. I seem to be saying that a lot lately.
Posted by: RP at March 31, 2005 02:10 PM (X3Lfs)
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A) Me, naked. Low-self-esteem Corporate Mommy says - I would pay people NOT to look. High-self-esteem CM says - if you have to ask, you couldn't afford me!
B) Oh yeah, she has a GREAT lawyer. Just wish he did family law (grumble mumble).
Don't be sorry for me, RP... lawyers are a necessary evil (uh, whoops. You know I meant excepting YOU, right?) ... I just seem to need a lot of them right now. *sigh*
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 31, 2005 02:18 PM (vjq8o)
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What a blessing you are in her life. We always find our real friends when we're in the dumps. Seems like you're doing just fine at #100 in your top 100 list.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at March 31, 2005 03:39 PM (AMZDV)
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E, you know that I'd be happy to find you a family lawyer in Chicago if you want one. All you have to do is ask.
I believe I am about to buy a new house. Trust me, I have to ask!
Posted by: RP at April 01, 2005 01:23 AM (LlPKh)
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that's just so wrong that the one person trying to do the right thing - take care of the kids - is the one suffering the consequences of all this.
Posted by: kalisah at April 01, 2005 03:18 AM (mDgS4)
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how bout setting up some sort of donation page for her... maybe set her up with her own blog, link it to yours. Rally woman! RALLY!
Encourage all of your blogroll peeps to add a link to there blogs. Have her write about the children she helped, the children who needed her. Obviously not naming names, or even specific scenarios.
It might not get her millions of dollars. But it's gotta help a little bit right?
Just trying to think of solutions. I know you're both hurting, and sometimes the best cure for that is a shoulder to cry on... looks like you both have it.
Posted by: Suz at April 01, 2005 03:51 AM (GhfSh)
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I don't understand how a non-profit can have tax liability. I hope her lawyer gets it straightened out quickly. The IRS is evil.
And I don't think it's possible to stay too long at the party. You might save yourself some heartache by leaving early, but you would definitely blow your chance for happiness. I think it's worth the risk.
Posted by: notdonnareed at April 01, 2005 01:22 PM (82Da3)
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March 29, 2005
Exhibitionism
*
Turns out that Average Mom and I decided to write almost the exact same post. Only her first. And funnier. And a little more insightful. Heh.
Over Easter dinner, I was asked why I blog.
And the conversation careened and stuttered from there, as I felt compelled for some reason to explain all the good that has come out of my blogging.
But what about the drawbacks?
Have I turned myself into a soap opera?
The troubles finding a partnership that works for my marriage, the struggles in raising my only son, my windmill-tilting as a female in a strictly masculine corporate structure. My slow slide to what I am sure is a stress-induced nutty.
Why share all this?
Is it still a diary if you purposely share it with the world?
Or just expositional exhibitionism?
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Beats me. I ask myself questions like these all the time. When you get a good answer, be a dear and let me know, ok?
Posted by: RP at March 29, 2005 06:15 AM (LlPKh)
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We share because the feedback is so crucial! Did you see my entry March 13? It's all about the cash in the thong, baby!
Posted by: Tammy at March 29, 2005 09:47 AM (aFeo0)
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I think we do it because we are the literary equivalent of the trenchcoat flasher.
Posted by: Jim at March 30, 2005 03:13 AM (tyQ8y)
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March 28, 2005
End of Innocence
Let's start with the good news. Because like last week's outfit, you have to hang your hat somewhere and I'm all about the silver lining.
The company was good, the egg hunt in the backyard a happy diversion and I didn't burn the ham. (Normally, we wouldn't worry about my ability to make a ham. I mean, HAM. Puh-lease. But on Saturday night I walloped a roast within an inch of its life and made very wet jerky so I skittered into Easter with a bit of a twitch and shake. Happily, all was well...)
The Menu:
Ham with cherry/orange Grand Marnier glaze
Scalloped potatoes
Mashed sweet potatoes
Asparagus with a citrus cream sauce
Stuffed tomatoes
Sweet baby peas
Homemade bread and fresh butter
Margarita Cheesecake
Chocolate Pudding Pie
Served with: Sangria, water and then coffee service.
Afterwards, we all went out for a waddle. We waddled up the block to the big park.
The playground structure was teeming with kids and parents, so my mom and Bear stopped there while the rest of us waddled the around the park.
By the time we got back, about 15 minutes later, my mother's face was a thundercloud.
Two brothers, aged about 8 and the other about 5, were bullying Bear.
The small one was calling Bear names to get him to chase him and then the big one would come up behind Bear and try to hurt him.
My mother saw what there were up to and stuck close. The small one didn't like that and kept telling my mother to go away and sit down. (How sick is that, telling the grown-up to go away so they could have my son all to themselves?) But even sticking close, her dogged interventions had little effect.
They didn't have any fear of her. They knew exactly how nasty they could be, where the line was. Thankfully, Bear grew pissed-off and marched away, telling them they weren't his friends and he didn't want to play with them.
Bear went off to sit at a picnic bench and he and my mom were sitting there as the rest of us came around the track.
The two boys didn't give up. They were still trying to engage Bear. We could see the little one running over to them, taunting Bear right in front of my mom's face. The big one stood watching from the jungle gym, and even I thought he was creepy and menacing. Such a little kid to have such a nasty expression.
Mom said it was like watching a sick kind of con act. You could tell that they had done this before, the little brother enticing the kids and the big brother hurting them.
As I approached, Bear got irritated and marched over to the where the bigger brother was at the top of a little ladder to confront him. The big brother started swinging his foot as my kid climbed, and you could see the "accidental" foot in my son's face coming.
I shouted, and jogged up. "Hey, big kid, it's time for my son to go home. Do me a favor and don't let him up there!" Big kid looked at me, the 4 adults behind me, and my mother approaching from the other direction, and stopped swinging his foot.
I grabbed my son under the arms and carried him right off the ladder and over to the path, where his dad and Godmother started tickling his exposed tummy. We headed home.
As we left the playground, Bear told us what happened. He told us about how the boys that they weren't his friends and he'd walked away from them.
"How do you feel?" I asked, after we all told him that walking away was the right thing to do.
"Good," Bear said.
We were reminded that in karate class, Bear has been taught how to deal with people who want to hurt him and he showed us how to break away and run somewhere safe and shout for help. That he knows there are bad people in the world.
The problem is that we never told him those bad people could be his own size.
Today, I have to sit down and warn his babysitter about those boys. My stomach hurts. I'm mad. I'm sad. My son is only 4 years old.
But yesterday signaled the beginning of the end of innocence.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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My question, where the hell were their parents, and how could they possibly allow that behavior? My son is only three and I keep a sharp eye at the playground too. When we were visiting my mom in FL, there was this large group of older children throwing rocks, yes rocks around the playground, not pebbles, big rocks. No parent in sight. I tell you what, I had no issue telling them not once but twice to stop. They got all pissy with me, but they did. Man, I was just fuming.
Sounds like bear has a good head on his shoulders.
Posted by: A.K. at March 28, 2005 02:37 AM (RNpdA)
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I asked my mom that, too. She said that the boys' parents didn't seem to be anywhere. There was 2 other littler kids, younger than Bear, and their dad stuck VERY close to those two with an eagle eye on the bully kids.
I wish we'd thought to ask them where their parents were, and make a bit of scene. I wish I was that outrageous, that it would have occurred to me. My only instinct was to physically grab my son to safety, before I even knew what was going on.
I feel like a co-conspirator for not doing more to stand up to those boys.
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 28, 2005 02:45 AM (KaLQV)
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yeah, cause I think I would have grabbed them by the ears, dragged them to their homes and told their parents to keep their brats off the playground if they can't play well with others.
Posted by: kalisah at March 28, 2005 03:29 AM (B6gHW)
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and, ummm...not to get off track, but YOU COOKED ALL THAT???
Posted by: kalisah at March 28, 2005 03:29 AM (B6gHW)
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The trouble with those neighborhood parks is that lazy parents will often let their kids walk over alone, especially if there's an older kid to "chaperone". I've had similar experiences at our park. The kids weren't necessarily malicious, but they were pushing, throwing things, running too fast, and generally being heedless of the little kids. There actually was a stupid little girl at the park one day who kept throwing trash at my son. Her mother was right there but had her head buried in a book. I've never confronted anyone yet. I just tell my son it's time to go home and play. It's hard to know what's the right thing to do. It could be that the kid's parents have no idea how mean he is, or it could be that they're even meaner, and that's where he learned it.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 28, 2005 03:32 AM (82Da3)
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To asnwer Kalisah's question: I planned the meal, bought the groceries, and made the ham, asparagus, peas and pudding pie. I made the roux for the cream sauce and let me friend finish seasoning it. She also made the cheesecake and fresh bread, her mom made the potatoes, CD and she made the sweet potatoes, my mom made the tomatoes, and Bear helped with sauce.
Could I have made the meal? I have previous years. But this way was MUCH more fun (and sane) I must say
... and delicious!
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 28, 2005 03:46 AM (KaLQV)
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March 24, 2005
How was the trip?
Let's start with a recap of the outfit: black silk pants that swung when I walked, high-heeled black pumps, deep periwinkle silk sweater, and a black silk blazer that, I kid you not, looked nice but was maybe not worth the price equivalent to a month's rent in my last apartment.
I don't know what color my hair was, because I dyed it a couple of times this week. But the cut was sharp. Furthermore, I had BOTH my eyebrows - a huge improvement over my last 3 meetings, when I over-groomed in a fit of anxiety (my poor left eyebrow).
And I went lo-accessory. Just earrings and my "smart" glasses, the ones with the tortoise-shell rims that make me look like a naughty schoolteacher.
Normally, I don't talk fashion. I leave that to Kalisah (for good reason). But stick with me, I have a point.
I was late. I called and said I would be, because I was juggling other teleconferences.
Which was fine because things were delayed due to lack of a conference room.
We finally got settled, about a dozen of us. A whole bunch of engineers in khaki's and polo shirts and then myself and the two Directors in pseudo-suits (You know, it's "casual" if you just leave off the tie).
So we spent the morning with a guy droning on about spreadsheets. This is the program budget. This is the budget on Metamucil. This is the impossible situation we are left with. I was cast in the position of class clown, in that I had a handful of comments that could have been brutal but I couched them in humor.
Then we went to lunch. This big cafeteria place. The two directors gave me a ride over, and I sat with them (discovering later that the rest of the team all sat together by pushing together a few tables).
Director A was trying to convince Director B that B should take over so A could move to a different assignment.
I tried to talk about other things, like deadlines and organizational structure and the customer expectations. They shut me down and talked about places they've lived and where they are retiring to and how A wants off and how B kept saying no dice.
I was eating a Reuben sandwich with a knife and fork, because the thing was so big it spewed sauce every time I tried to bite it.
The afternoon was more of the same. I was beginning to feel like comic relief, because the team kept asking my opinion and I think it was just in desperation I would break up the monotony of the never-ending 78 Excel spreadsheets with something funny or acerbic.
Finally, the Droning Guy got to my area of expertise. He started saying that lots of money was going to be found using a new piece of WonderSoftware (WS) in a certain way.
"No, it's not," I said.
"And you know that because..."
"Because I just spent the last year implementing WS."
"At which account?"
"All of them."
So the guy went to his archives and pulled up a presentation on WS, because he was the kind of guy who had to prove everything. And sure enough, there was my name on the first slide at the top of the org chart.
"Oh," he said.
"Leave that up," I told him. I moved to the front of the room and walked through some of the slides, explaining that WS could help us find some savings, if we approached it thus and so.
By the time I sat down, I wasn't comic relief anymore. Thank heavens.
As we broke up, Director B asked me how I'd gotten the WS gig. "Really," he asked. "Great program."
So we finally had a real conversation. Then most everyone drifted away, but not before I handed out all my business cards and negotiated my stay in St Louis down from the whole summer to 4 weeks.
A couple of the engineers stuck with me, asking questions, as I slung my briefcase over my shoulder and walked to the exit. There was the mini van, waiting. Door opened, my son waving to me.
"Oh," said the first engineer. "Is that your family?"
"That's my life, " I corrected him. (I used to think to be successful, I had to deny that anything else in my life was as important as my career. Now I know better. Success has absolutely nothing to do with my career and everything to do with my life. )
As we drove to meet friends for dinner, I asked about CD and Bear's adventures exploring the city. Bear was very excited to tell me about something called the Monster Truck and about the science center and the hotel (Bear: I like that house!).
Then we talked about my day. After all that sound and fury.
I was like, meh. If I'd ended up with the director gig, I'd be knee-deep in the craps but the assignment I've negotiated, not so much. In fact, it's a half-step down for me in terms of difficulty and responsibility.
So CD and I talked about what we'll do now, and how long I could handle it if it converted to a work-from-home position (which I think I can pull off). I'm not excited, I'm not nervous. I'm .... nothing.
Yeah, after all that. I mean, I still want to quit. But otherwise?
Which is why I had to talk about the outfit? Because the outfit? Fantastic.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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I am so impressed and PROUD OF YOU! (and not just for looking fabulous.) You really are such a success story.
Posted by: kalisah at March 24, 2005 03:43 AM (mDgS4)
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I SO glad you were able to get those dweebies to look & think AND respect you at the same time. Good for you! Plus, I'm sure you looked fantastic - sounds like a pretty & comfortable outfit.
Posted by: Grace at March 24, 2005 03:59 AM (UdgWp)
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I knew you'd pull it off. :-)
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 24, 2005 04:05 AM (82Da3)
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Sounds like you were a shining star -- inside and out.
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 24, 2005 04:57 AM (QhI+Z)
Posted by: Monica C. at March 24, 2005 08:26 AM (8Ff77)
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I went to school in St. Louis and the science center is awesome--my favorite part is using the radar guns to check the speeds of the cars driving under the bridge. But you should also be sure to visit the city museum--it isn't a museum as much as it is an indoor obstacle course. Oh, and be sure to get frozen custard at Ted Drewes--no visit to St. Louis is complete without it.
Posted by: Angie at March 24, 2005 08:37 AM (FlWAT)
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Kudos to you!! Go get'em!!
Posted by: azalea at March 24, 2005 10:12 AM (hRxUm)
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Black Silk. Completely classic and all season. Depending on the cut, possibly a "forever" piece. Besides, if it makes you feel fabulous, it's DEFINATELY worth it. Besides that, I'm so glad you "wow'd" them. I KNEW you would and it's got to be good for your moral after the shark tank. I'm so proud of you!
Posted by: Cathy at March 24, 2005 01:00 PM (DTaUI)
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I'm starting to get a better idea of the things you describe. I have 100% understanding of the term "herding cats" after Wednesday's meeting anyway. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at March 25, 2005 02:00 AM (MDLz3)
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Wow! Sounds like you looked great, and even better, showed your true colours and were truly impressive! Way to go!
Posted by: Tammy at March 26, 2005 05:25 AM (aFeo0)
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Saw your comment on Helen's blog and the St Louis comment caught my eye. Feel free to write me if you need any info on the area. Depending on where you stay there's TONS of interesting and kid friendly stuff to do.
Posted by: ~Easy at March 27, 2005 02:37 AM (dH3dd)
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"That's my life," I corrected him. (Success has absolutely nothing to do with my career and everything to do with my life.)
Wow, you couldn't have said it better. All our lives, we're told career first, then family. But when you hold that tiny life in your hands, degrees, job titles, and accomplishments don't seem to matter any more.
Posted by: Robyn at March 30, 2005 04:10 AM (FLJz9)
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March 22, 2005
Life is a highway
A couple of targets were hit in the last few days.
First of all, I finished writing a story. After umpteen years of starting and never finishing the Great American Novel (and coming to the conclusion that I just suck rocks at fiction), I had an idea and finished it. 135 pages, 10 chapters. Not quite a book. On an idea based on characters someone else created. Just to see if I could do it. And then I let some strangers read it and provide criticism and feedback. It was all very nervy of me, really. The response was kind, but I am not sure I will ever do it again. Just proud I did it this time.
I went clothes shopping, too. I hardly ever do this because I am overweight. Since becoming pregnant with Bear (and lying down for most of a year), I gained a LOT of weight. And I couldn't afford to. I had spent my adult life fighting chubbiness (although I was a skinny kid) so now I well and truly look like a weeble. I have 4 decent office outfits that I can mix and match, and none are great quality. I invest our clothing budget more in CD (he never asks, I just buy the stuff). He's always the same size and very well shaped and fun to dress. (ahem)
So for the past 3 days, the three of us have hauled ourselves through shoe stores and clothing stores. Trudge trudge trudge. Up to Lord & Taylor's and down to Talbot's. Yes, the upscale places do make clothes in my size (not that I'm saying what it is). I got black silk slacks and a silk blend black blazer. And a deep-blue short-sleeved silk sweater. (Silk, it was a theme.) Even bought high-heeled pumps, although God knows they don't slim me the way the magazines say. I think I look more like a bowling pin on sticks but I'm trying, and I think that's probably progress.
Got my hair done, and my nails, and some treatments on my face. Even bought some new makeup.
In short, I have done all those external things that I slowly have stopped doing for myself since Bear was born. Because after that, I stopped liking my reflection. That's it, I guess. And I realized last week with a start how bare my self-care regimen has become.
Not that I am going to throw myself back into the world of constant spa treatments and $50 underpants, but I decided that maybe I needed to stop martyring myself. No one is asking me too and it's not exactly making me a nicer person (or nicely dressed).
And, finally, I got myself somewhat of a demotion. Working for a conservative corporation the size of a small European country, executive positions are very hard to come by. Mega is not top-heavy by any stretch of the imagination. So this last assignment, which was Director-level responsibilities, was a pretty big "get" (which, of course, I was hiding from). Somehow last week I managed to downgrade my position in the program to Deputy Director.
I'm still not sure how I pulled it off. But after the initial 60 days this summer working on location, I have been told (since I'm only a Deputy type now) that my work schedule will be much more flexible. That sounds good, right?
After that, I sat CD down and told him that I did understand all his practical concerns (I make twice the money, am vested in both stock and retirement, have full benefits, etc.) I get that it makes no sense, none at all.
But if we are going to make it together, we need to find a way to make this happen no matter the sacrifices: Me as a full-time mom. For at least a year, soon.
I know that there are a lot of people in the world who would think that cutting our family's income by 2/3 is crazy and irresponsible, that there will be little financial security and a lot of sacrifices.
But I needed to say it - that this was the most important thing. And I needed him to hear it, and not just nod his head and walk away and another 6 months go by. One of my weakest traits is that I don't communicate my personal priorities well. The people I work with think I must be devastated that I got the Deputy assignment ('You were robbed!' said an IM I got).
Well, that's fine. But at home I needed to change tactics. I think it is possible that I never shouted loud enough to be heard before.
I have now.
Bulls-eye. I don't know what happens next. And maybe that's OK for right now.
So off I go, southbound for a few days to meet my team before kickoff. Wish me luck.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Yay for targets, and all the best!
Posted by: Jean at March 22, 2005 04:34 AM (g+uTc)
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yay you! Going shopping! And buying clothes and make-up! Yay for reatail therapy!!
Posted by: kalisah at March 22, 2005 04:52 AM (mDgS4)
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i am wishing you luck
been reading a while but not commented before - i really hope this all works out for you Elizabeth
abs x
Posted by: abs at March 22, 2005 06:43 AM (H4UBW)
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Good for you, nothing feels better than buying some good clothes that fit you and you feel good in.
I hope you find you like St. Louis, it's really not a bad place.
Posted by: A.K. at March 22, 2005 06:50 AM (80QDM)
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Best of luck! You know I'm rooting for you.
*walking away, singing, ". . . and I'm gonna drive it all night long"* Thanks for the ear worm!
Posted by: RP at March 22, 2005 07:03 AM (LlPKh)
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Way to go, E! Stand firm on it, own it, claim it and always defend your dreams -- for it is a relationship built on love that meets both of your needs that will be successful.
In life's end, it isn't money that we'll remember. It's the special relationships that we nutured along the journey that will fill our soul.
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 22, 2005 08:18 AM (QhI+Z)
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Wow!!! I'm impressed! Finishing a story is a VERY BIG DEAL. You must feel great.
It's amazing what a nice outfit and a good haircut can do for your self-esteem. When I look back on my shaggy-hair/sweats period, I can't believe I let myself go like that. Losing weight is extremely difficult, but getting a haircut and buying a decent outfit is really pretty easy.
I totally agree that there are more important things than money, stock options, and 401k. I gave up a bunch of money to stay home with my son, and I'd do it again. Well, most days I would. Your husband might freak out a little about being the only breadwinner (mine did), but he'll adjust. You both will. And there's still plenty of time (and plenty of earning power) for you to save for retirement.
I also think that people in high-stress jobs periodically need a break. In my company, they actually offered sabbaticals to people after a certain number of years, because your brain really needs to decompress. Otherwise, you start suffering stress-related illnesses, and you're not as effective at your job. I think it's great that you're going to take the time you need to enjoy your son and recharge your batteries.
Just a thought -- CD might feel better about it if he can see a spreadsheet of how you'll make the finances work in the short term and also if you commit to resuming your career by a certain time. Honestly, I was shocked at how fidgety my husband got when I stopped working, because we really did have plenty of money, and he's normally a very laid-back guy, but I guess it's a big responsibility to suddenly be the only person keeping your family afloat.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 22, 2005 01:38 PM (82Da3)
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P.S. I wish you luck, but I don't think you'll need it. :-)
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 22, 2005 01:40 PM (82Da3)
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You got it! Full luck wishing mode activated.
Damn, that sounded way less nerdy in my head.
If you'd like to show that short off I'd love to see it. Some of your stuff here borders on amazing. I'd really like to see some of your project writing.
Posted by: Jim at March 22, 2005 03:04 PM (MDLz3)
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I am so glad you are doing what you need to do for you, and for you both, really. Good luck!!
Posted by: Bond Girl at March 23, 2005 05:34 AM (8caiM)
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March 20, 2005
Post-Nuptials And Such
After such a dramatic week, it has been a very normal weekend. We've been cleaning, and shopping, and doing chores. CD and Bear have once again taken shovel and muscle to the tree stump on the edge of the driveway. And once again, they have turned back with that tree stump still firmly in the ground.
We figure it will take chains. And a 4X4. Maybe dynamite. Or a beaver.
I was up last night for a few hours, thinking.
It's difficult for me to think that somehow, the idea of a post-nup has demonized CD. I have done something, communicated something, wrong. And I don't know how to fix it.
My husband is not an American citizen. We did plan to sign a post-nup that had our agreement about Bear's nationality and raising in it.
We've both been exposed at what break-ups can do to children in multi-national relationships, so it just seemed like a reasonable thing to do. We just never followed through. It's hung on the to-do list for years.
In the shifting landscape of our marriage, we've said and done things we both regret. But we've always come back to our senses quickly. Even if we couldn't solve the problem, we found a way to be kind to each other.
But what if we couldn't?
So we thought about and agreed that Bear would have both his parents within a 50 mile radius. And be raised in America unless we both agreed otherwise. But be a citizen of both countries, and be exposed to both languages and customs.
We just never wrote it down.
Is it coming up now because things are rough? Yeah.
Is it coming up now because CD imagined a worst-case scenario and it scared him? Yeah.
Do I wish things were better between us? Hell, yeah.
I do, with all my heart.
I knew a guy once. Gorgeous. Charismatic. Successful. Promiscous. Always wore a condom. Always.
"Elizabeth," he once told me over lunch (just as friends. I knew better.) "You'd be amazed how many women try and convince me it's not necessary. Daft. Maybe crafty. I actually left an apartment once because she insisted we leave it off. No doing."
I never understand those women either. Protection in and of itself should never insinuate there's something irreedemably wrong. Sometimes all it means is: 'just in case'.
This piece of paper doesn't make CD a bad guy. I do not, in any way, resent him for asking for it. It was my idea in the first place, all those years ago.
Sure, I get mad at CD for many reasons. But not that he asked that we execute the post-nup before I take his son 4 hours away for a couple of months.
I can't imagine why I would say no.
So I was up for a few hours last night. Wondering if maybe I complained too much. Vented too hard. And I don't know what to do. I feel bad that anyone would think I was sleeping with the enemy. It's not how I feel. Isolated, angry, tearful? Yes. Pushed to the edge of the cliff and looking down sometimes? Yes. Scared? Yes, Yes. Uncertain, sad? Yes, again.
But no, not given up. No.
*sigh*
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Let me give you a slightly different perspective. I did not think any worse of CD at all for wanting such a thing -- quite the opposite. My parents divorced when I was 3 and when I was 5, my father gave up all visitation rights to me. I didn't see him again until I was 12, and our relationship has never really recovered.
When I read about the post-nup, I thought it must be agonizing for CD -- knowing that this is the way it must be, and wanting to make DAMN sure he doesn't lose his child. I actually thought it was great. I'm always a fan of men who fight to stay in their children's lives.
You know, when I attend weddings, I pay attention to the verbiage that states that we will support the MARRIAGE of the people we're watching. Not just the people individually, but the marriage as a separate entity. For what it's worth, I support your marriage to CD. At the expense of your own sanity? No. But marriage is worth fighting for. Bear's family is worth fighting for.
After all the tears and recriminations, you guys keep fighting. And that's what matters.
Posted by: Stacy at March 20, 2005 08:39 AM (HG0mh)
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You don't need to do anything... You have expressed yourself beautifully about where you are and the concerns that fill your heart. I believe that this self-expression is one way you will find your way through the next few months. Hang in there and fight for yourself and your marriage. Speaking for myself, I will share my thoughts and feelings with you until you say "No."
Posted by: azalea at March 20, 2005 10:31 AM (hRxUm)
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Just catching up on blogs this weekend. I am so sorry you ended up with St. Louis. I'm not commenting on your family situation, since I know we're only seeing a small sliver of the situation, but I hope for the best for all of you. I hope you can find a way to make this situation work for all of you.
Posted by: t at March 20, 2005 11:52 AM (AiWyg)
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I think it makes perfect sense for all of the reasons you (and others) have stated. And here's why I'd do the very same thing myself if I were in a similar situation:
Emotions run high. We'd like to believe that we're always going to take the high road, put the family's needs first, etc - but that isn't always what happens when those emotions run high.
The post-nuptial is a written promise from and to you both that your intents were (and are) to take the high road. It can help provide clarity and support in the heat of anger, and remind you both that you made a promise that you need to live up to.
It's an important safety net. And you can never,
ever have too many safety nets, in my opinion.
Posted by: Betsy at March 20, 2005 11:57 AM (chwcp)
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Nothing that you've said has made me think badly of CD. In fact, from what you've said, he sounds like a devoted father and a romantic husband. He may have some serious flaws, but as far as I know, we all do.
It does sound like your relationship is in a rough patch, and for that I'm very sorry. But I feel certain that you can work through it. One of the great fallacies of our generation is that you're supposed to be happy all the time. If you can make it through the rough patch, you'll come out the other side stronger, wiser, and happier than ever.
I know some people think legal agreements are the smart thing to do, but I personally think that it undermines the trust in your relationship. I'm also married to a foreigner, but it has never once crossed my mind to make him sign a contract swearing never to move back to England or take my son on an extended vacation. I know he wouldn't do that. And to be honest, based on what you've written, I don't think you or CD would do that to your Bear either.
If you're a good parent, you always try to do what's best for your kid. And no matter how much you want to spite your spouse, you can't put your kid in the middle.
I just don't think anyone should need a piece of paper to make them do the right thing.
On the other hand, having that piece of paper might make you and CD feel more secure, and that might make it easier to work through the relationship issues. I hope so.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 20, 2005 02:05 PM (82Da3)
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When any relationship is on the rocks and people start pointing out concerns, nothing can be more difficult because in the end we are only left to look at ourselves and our relationship.
I believe you are communicating clearly. I don't think you have ever tried to paint or accidently painted CD a monster. Don't second guess yourself. Please.
I think what is happening is people see you work your butt off, be a great mom -- and do, do, do, do, do, do, do and get little, if anything, in return. You don't ask for anything in return.
That's what is driving people to respond. They don't see anything that shows how CD bends over as far backwards as you do to make this all work. That's where all of this is coming. It has nothing to do with you talking about CD in a negative way. You don't have any thing positive to say... and that speaks volumes.
Hugs to you...
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 21, 2005 03:39 AM (QhI+Z)
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This journey called life is filled with such twists and turns, especially when you throw marriage - and the children - into the mix!
In the end, though, you have to do what's best for you, that which allows you to live with yourself and that which allows you to sleep at night. Whether CD is an angel or Beezelbub himself - or somewhere in between - is less important (at least to us, your supporters) than whether you, going through your own experiences, making your way through your own, personal journey, are satisfied.
Keep on, keepin' on - I have the feeling that you are working your way through to the good stuff.
Monica
Posted by: Monica C. at March 21, 2005 04:24 PM (8Ff77)
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I wish I had something good to add, but I'm not as well spoken as everyone else. I'm here for you if you ever need to rant or chat or what have you.
Posted by: ben at March 22, 2005 03:37 AM (cMBPb)
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March 18, 2005
Headline: Not breaking up
Note to self: Honeypie, until you find your freaking brain again, stop making blog posts and then, you know, POSTING them. It just leads to editing, re-editing, and apologies. Time to sit quietly with your words and have a nice glass of chianti, mkay?
I want - must - say thanks. I am more misty-eyed than you know that there is a whole bunch of people, non-strangers, who have showered kindness at a difficult time.
I know my situation, although it has me in considerable pain, is nothing against the real hurts in the world. My life is full of blessings - a healthy family, a good job, and a home in a safe and pleasant neighborhood.
But such compassion, despite this. Each and every one of you is my favorite person in the blogisphere.
To answer the big question. We are not filing for divorce.
I need a lawyer because we've decided to write down a post-nuptial agreement that, if nothing else, will make a legal promise that in taking Bear to St Louis for the summer, I promise to bring him back.
All things considered, it is a fair and reasonable thing to do. Many movies of the week say so.
Don't knock movies of the week; they also drove home the importance of condoms, cell-phones, and a good hair stylist.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Glad to hear you're not divorcing -- I wondered but didn't want to ask. I sure hope you're able to hold on through this next year if being a long-distance family and then re-group after that.
Posted by: Kelly at March 18, 2005 08:35 AM (VPwLk)
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I hope there are things in that post-nupial for YOU.
What if Bear really likes it down there and you do too: Then what? Will you be forced to relocate for someone who doesn't keep their end of the deal? Eeek....
Be careful. If you'd prefer I didnt comment, I can certainly respect that -- no worries -- just let me know.
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 18, 2005 09:28 AM (QhI+Z)
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Hi Fredette,
Yeah, it will be a fair agreement.
But to answer your question - even if we love it in St Louis, if CD doesn't agree to it then no, we don't stay. No matter what.
Just like he can't take our son and move away without my permission. Or even travel to his home country.
The agreement is that CD and I must live within 50 miles of each other and get permission from the other to move farther. With our home in Chicago as the starting point.
It isn't a control thing. It's for Bear. He needs access to both of us all the time.
But I have hope that this interim measure is not the signal of the breakup of this family. I am still fighting for us.
And to answer your other question, no please never stop saying what's on your mind. It's what makes you YOU and you are an intelligent and compassionate person. I may disagree with you but I will always want to hear what you have to say!
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 18, 2005 10:05 AM (Z+uyB)
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I can't keep quiet a minute longer. When was the last time CD exhibited any thoughtfulness or flexibility towards you, you and Bear and your marriage?? He broke a major agreement with you re: parenting Bear. Remember the 18 months until kindergarten?? I know you would not take Bear away from CD and I have no doubt that CD would take Bear away from you. I don't trust CD and wonder about the state of his integrity. Count me in with "Eyes for Lies" if you no longer want me to comment. I care about what happens to you and want you and Bear to be safe.
Posted by: azalea at March 18, 2005 11:13 AM (hRxUm)
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Maybe I'm just cheap (no maybe about it), but I would never pay a lawyer good money to draw up that sort of agreement. If you say you're bringing Bear home at the end of the summer, then you will. Period. Maybe I'm naive as well as cheap, but I don't even see why that would be an issue.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 18, 2005 01:57 PM (82Da3)
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Hi- I just found your blog and wanted to let you know that the law office I work for that handles adoptions works with a lawyer from Chicago named Shelly Ballard. I know you don't need adoption stuff - but she might be able to point you in the right direction, since adoption falls under the category of family law.
Posted by: Rachael at March 19, 2005 06:08 PM (cow13)
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Glad to hear the news isn't quite so grim.
Posted by: A.K. at March 20, 2005 05:05 AM (80QDM)
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Just found your site a week ago and have been reading your saga with tears, fears, apprehensions, and familiarity. Why do you need a post-nup about the status of the child? Whose idea to get that yours or CDs? From one who dealt with a friend married to a gentleman from Europe and lived through all her pain and anguish...this sounds very fishy. If this is just short term and you both know that this is just for the duration of your assignment, why is he so edgy? Is he anticipating that your freedom will trigger things in you and your outlook and the life of your son that he can not control and therefore can't handle? Yes, children need both parents, I'm an educator and have seen the devastation of divorce, but I have also seen how sons utilize their fathers as male role models....is your relationship with CD one that you want your son to have with his spouse?
There is something definately not right here and though an outsider to many of the past issues that you have had, looking through the glass darkly, there is something afoot. Remember, anything you agree on and put in writing is there for ammunition in a major battle and a simple statement takes on sinister implications when twisted in a court of law. One missed visitation, one late date, one small change can put you in violation of the agreement and can ultimately result in the loss of your son to him. Can you handle that? Please be careful....my friend lost custody of her son for two years (though she had visitation driving 5 hours one way every weekend to be with him and spending tons on hotels and food) because of an issue very similar to this one! Godspeed!
Posted by: Janet at March 20, 2005 05:17 AM (699j1)
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Need a Lawyer
Hi, does anyone know a good family lawyer in the Chicago area?
I need someone competent and reasonable.
Please email me if you have any recommendations, thanks!
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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ok. now you're scaring me.
Posted by: suz at March 18, 2005 05:09 AM (GhfSh)
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Oh, Elizabeth. My heart hurts for you. Take care. E-mail me to vent, I promise I won't tell your boss or CD what you say.
Posted by: Tammy at March 18, 2005 05:50 AM (aFeo0)
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I'm so sorry that you're at this point. I have only started reading your blog over the last two weeks or so...and the only thing that comes to my mind is the question: Can you get a new job? I don't mean to sound trite, I know there is alot more that goes into this. I find so many similarities in your struggles with my own. My wish for you is peace and happy resolution.
Posted by: Jill at March 18, 2005 06:39 AM (zA2LS)
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Please tell me what I'm thinking isn't true. Please...
Posted by: Grace at March 18, 2005 08:03 AM (UdgWp)
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March 17, 2005
He needs us both
Just to be absolutely clear.
CD informed me weeks ago that going forward, his job will demand travel. Since we live 900 miles from the closest family member, and because I go apeshit when separated from my kid for long periods, and because it was one of the options - I looked into how I could take care of Bear and still do my job.
It was never, ever my intention with any bone in my body to take Bear away from his Daddy. I would never, ever do anything like that. This is an impossible situation all the way around and I am just trying to figure out the least-bad solution.
I stand by this.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Elizabeth, I just wanted you to know you have one more person out here keeping you in her thoughts and 'spewing good karma' in your direction.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Jennifer at March 17, 2005 08:54 AM (jl9h0)
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Wow, lady. The last couple of weeks have been tumultuous, to say the least. I'm thinking good thoughts for you all.
I can't really tell what the financial situation is, but I can tell that you really don't love, or even like, your job. Is it totally impossible to consider quitting and looking for a 'lesser' position so that you are close to home and have better hours?
Posted by: Bond Girl at March 17, 2005 09:18 AM (8caiM)
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March 16, 2005
What Project Managers Do
So, first off let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!!!! You insanely beautiful and creative person, you! (How do you keep getting better all the time?)
Secondly, let me say: Thank you. I will respond to everyone who has commented. I try to do that anyway, but right now the love and support is overwhelming and healing and I can't begin to express my gratitude.
Thirdly, let me say: I had to edit my entry. I broke a promise and I feel bad. It was wrong of me to reveal what I did without the someone else's consent.
Forthly, and is that a word?: So I have plans in place now. I spoke to our bookkeeper and my boss and made about a bazillion calls. I will need a lawyer to help put some things down on paper, but otherwise it looks good.
Door #1: If it is St Louis, then I talked to the Admissions Director of an outstanding Montessori there and he's got a place in their summer program. I'm not saying that it would be the world's most fun summer, living in a Hotel. But we could make it QUITE the adventure and still find fireflies to catch and still drive home to Chicago on weekends.
DOOR #2: If it is the suburbs, then I will take Bear to work with me. There's a Montessori near (minutes!) away from the client site.
What happens after the summer is still a big dark blank, but then again - this is what Project Managers do. If there is anything I can do well then it is this - plan, manage, adjust, assess risk, balance the budget, and plan.
But just so we're clear, I would much rather be good at play-doh, treasure hunts, homemade cookies, flashcards, and lego's.
Meanwhile, I'll find out more tomorrow.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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You know I'm pulling for you. And one thing about St. Louis is that it might give you and CD a little distance and sometimes distance can help clarify things. I'm glad the temp. apt. thing would work and I bet you all would have a great time in St. Louis.
Posted by: RP at March 16, 2005 11:07 AM (X3Lfs)
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Wow, Elizabeth, you are on one hell of a roller coaster. I have no words of wisdom or advice, but if it helps to know a random stranger is crossing her fingers for you, well, I am...
Posted by: nic at March 16, 2005 11:55 AM (etHvD)
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You're a great problem-solver, and I'm confident that you'll find a solution that works for your family. Door #1 actually sounds like a lot of fun to me!
Maybe I'm the Grinch that stole childhood, but honestly the play-doh, cookies, flashcards, and legos are only fun in (very) limited quantities. When you have to do it day in and day out for e t e r n i t y, it's really not that great. Especially if a large portion of your self-esteem is based on your career. Maybe it's different for you, but I just wanted to point out that the grass might not necessarily be greener on that side of the fence.
Good luck!
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 16, 2005 12:10 PM (82Da3)
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Hang in there, I'm sure things will work themselves out. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.
Posted by: Jean at March 16, 2005 08:02 PM (g+uTc)
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One thing that shines through is your love and commitment to Bear. When all is said and done, he's going to think back and say "my Mom did everything she could for me".
Work is demanding much time too, don't forget that you need to treat yourself once in a while as well.
Posted by: Ted at March 17, 2005 12:33 AM (blNMI)
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Came way of Helen's blog. I hope it works itself out in a way that is the least painful.
Good Luck.
Posted by: drew at March 17, 2005 02:07 AM (CBlhQ)
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Okay, I'm guessing and putting pieces together since you edited your post before I could read it, but from the comments I think I get the general idea.
I know how hard it must be for all this extreme change to be taking place, and the not knowing, but I'd like to point out to you, that you are still writing with hope and strength and love in your voice. You are embracing the changes and not hiding, not complaining, not cowering in a little ball. I'm proud of you, and I know that no matter what comes, you and Bear will not only be fine, but thrive and grow together.
Be happy that you are being trusted and valued at work, it sounds like taking this position in St. Louis will put the company in your indebtedness. Hold tight to Bear, and keep writing.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Philip at March 17, 2005 02:21 AM (vhWf1)
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I know you have huge issues to work out and this isn't exactly the perfect situation for you and your family but... St. Louis is WONDERFUL. I lived their for 10 years. You absolutely must take Bear to the City Museum downtown. It's hard to describe (not a museum at all) -- a one-of-a-kind fun experience for both of you is guaranteed.
Posted by: Kelly at March 17, 2005 06:27 AM (VPwLk)
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Another pair of fingers crossed for you and Bear!! May the Force be with you.
Posted by: azalea at March 17, 2005 07:43 AM (hRxUm)
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In just briefly reading your blog, I understand that this situation isn't the best for you. BUT, living in St. Louis myself, I will vouch for the fact that it is a very kid friendly town and there is plenty to do with a preschooler (I have a 3 yr old and 1 yr old). If you have questions or need recommendations, I'd be happy to help, just send me an email.
Posted by: A.K. at March 17, 2005 08:08 AM (SNHNk)
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Dreams go poof, like tissues
Note: I had to go back and edit this entry. Because I did agree that I would not discuss CD's medical issues, treatment, our marital issues, treatment, or 'what happened' openly in this forum. And I broke that agreement. I was wrong. - C.M.
When we decided to become parents together, we decided that one of us would always be home with our child. It was something I felt strongly in my bones, no judgement on how anyone else does things.
We both had good jobs, either salary would do, so I stayed home.
But it didn't last.
Now there are 18 months between now and Bear going to Kindegarten. And my job pushing (hard!) for me to step up with a new level of commitment that I just don't want to give. I've been dreaming of being home, being this kid's mom. This last big chunk of time before school starts.
But that expectation is a lot. No matter how I would have structured it - what package or part-time job, it still would have made CD's job the prime income.
Clearly that was too much expectation. And I ranted and I raved, but really that was for my own benefit. Because this dream of mine is just not going to become real.
And as I sit here, trying not to cry like a big wuss, I realize that I truly don't know what to do next. I have held on to this dream being just around the corner for so long, that I never really thought about what the alternative would be. Expecially an alternative that keeps me away from my son for 12 hours a day.
I know I'm an idiot. But with our our earning power, I've really just thought me quitting was always - "just as soon as..."
I've got to take Bear to preschool now. And then come home and get to work. Yes, of course this is what millions of people do every day and I know that I'm not special and all this is like so much wet tissue disintegrating in a puddle somewhere.
It'll just take some time. That's all. And then it'll be just fine.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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I wish there was something I could do to help, or at least to provide comfort. I'm sorry things are going down this path.
I'm sorry.
Posted by: ben at March 16, 2005 03:18 AM (cMBPb)
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I am so sorry. In many ways our situations are so similar (aside from the actually having a job or money part) and it just hurts me to read it. I wish there was a solution for both of us that would be even close to what we wanted. Things just shouldn't have to be this way.
Posted by: Anna at March 16, 2005 03:29 AM (WCueR)
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I understand completely. All you can do is the best you can and sometimes that is not enough.
Posted by: RP at March 16, 2005 04:37 AM (LlPKh)
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E -- You don't allow yourself any dreams. You don't demand anything. Instead, you give of yourself, until you have nothing left to give --and that is PLAIN WRONG. You are destroying yourself!! You have no self-preservation.
While CD may have a serious medical condition, he does have a brain and can make rational decisions. He has a choice. Either he steps up to the plate and deals with his shortcomings by staying with the program -- (i.e. continuing medical intervention) or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he has to realize there are consequences: life alone.
PERIOD. This is not negotiable. EVER.
Sadly, while CD may have a medical condition that causes him to act in ways that are irresponsible, it doesn't give him the license to ruin two -- I mean THREE LIVES, and that is what you are letting him do!
Sadly, E, you are ENBABLING CD to continue to act improperly. You are giving him the reins to destroy everyone -- including you.
This is so wrong. Elizabeth, if love CD, you will love him with a firm heart. You will set boundaries for him because you know they are in his best interest. One such boundary is that he sticks to a medical intervention plan -- whether it is counseling or medication. The minute he quits -- he looses you. PERIOD.
This is the best love he could ever get because either he'll succeed, or he won't -- and if he doesn't -- there is NOTHING you can do for him until he helps himself. You can't help him and at that point -- you must preserve yourself and move on.
I know it is hard but you must do it for Bear.
While it may sounds like awful choices right now, it is the only hope the three of you have --either alone or together. Because when you stand on this principle, it gives you all the best outcome -- even if you do end up alone. If you have to move out, you may find that life is more rewarding because you are not being taken down the drain on a daily basis needlesslessly-- and perhaps for CD, he truly needs to hit bottom to see the results of his actions. You've cushioned him far too long.
I'm here if you need me. I hope you don't reject my honesty. It is truly sent from the heart.
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 16, 2005 04:59 AM (QhI+Z)
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You have my unstinting empathy and support.
I've been there, faced with very similar decisions. It sucks, I know. But I also know that you've got it within you to survive - and thrive, after time - with whatever decisions you end up making.
Posted by: Betsy at March 16, 2005 06:34 AM (XnNE6)
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Oh, Elizabeth. I'm so sorry. I'm just so, so sorry.
I'm always here, if you want to email someone.
Posted by: Stacy at March 16, 2005 06:40 AM (96yfM)
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Don't beat yourself up. At his age, Bear will be FINE in daycare. Just FINE. The guilt should land squarely on CD's shoulders, not yours. You're doing everything you can. Don't forget that.
Posted by: Amanda at March 16, 2005 07:47 AM (4totH)
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Bless your heart!! Please, please take care of you and Bear. I concur with "Eyes for Lies." CD is an adult who is severly depressed, needs medical intervention-drugs, therapy and so forth for a specified period of time. No more shifting and changing programs. There are no "magic" fixes here-only hard work. Set your boundaries and start living your life for you and Bear. CD will either get with the program or he won't. Maybe it is time for him to learn that there are consequences for him.
Hugs to you and Bear!!!
Posted by: azalea at March 16, 2005 09:57 AM (hRxUm)
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Oh Elizabeth. It won't be fine, I'm sorry. Daycare isn't the biggest problem here, in my opinion. The bigger issue is the fact that your partner is not pulling his weight, as a parent or as a husband. And you are pulling the very heavy load for him. In fact, he's sitting on top of the load you are pulling. You see where I am going with this? Take care of yourself. Take care of Bear. Support CD, whom you love, but don't support his choice to continue disregarding you. You are worth so much more than just your income!
Posted by: Tammy at March 16, 2005 10:07 AM (aFeo0)
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March 15, 2005
And the wheels on the bus
What happened today?
Got my new assignment, no choices. Big emergency, they need a "powerhouse" to go fix a high profile program for the next year.
And?
I'll have to work on the client site, a 3 hour commute a day, at best. Going to have to put Bear in daycare or ...
Or?
Thought, maybe I had options. Maybe this was a sign that it really was time to quit or at least take a long leave of absence.
And the wheels on the bus...
But that would have meant that he'd have to...
He won't.
...Go round and round...
What now?
What do you think of selling the house, after the school year is over? Find something closer to this assignment so I don't have to sacrifice being a parent completely...
...Go round and round...
What about....
I really can't talk about it.
...Round and round...
Why did you expect this time would be different? Honey, why? You just set yourself up to hurt when you go counting on -
Please. It's hard enough feeling like a fool in this rut. Knowing that I'm the Charlie Brown in this little play, always hoping that this time Lucy won't pull the ball.
Lucy always pulls the ball.
I remember, when it was the moon and the stars and...
Are you gonna be OK?
I dunno. Some days, I wonder if I've already cracked. Am I the last to know?
...Round and round. The wheels on the bus go...
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Oh, shit. I'm terribly sorry. You know that, probably. I don't suppose the new client has on site day care that you could use? Or what about making the company pay for getting you an apartment closer, a short term rental? Or taking the money to help pay for in house nanny for you? Is any of that possible?
The stress you must be experiencing must be tremendous. I'm so sorry. Anything at all I can do to help?
Posted by: RP at March 16, 2005 01:35 AM (LlPKh)
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Egads. So sorry to here this, Elizabeth. It's not much but maybe I can tease a smile out for you:
A Duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Got any bread?”
Barman says, “No.”
Duck says, “Got any bread?”
Barman says, “No.”
Duck says, “Got any bread?”
Barman says, “No. We don’t have bread.”
Duck says, “Got any bread?”
Barman says, “NO! We don’t have any freakin’ bread!”
Duck says, “Got any bread?”
Barman says, “NO!! What’re you deaf?!? We haven’t got any freakin’ bread and if you ask me again I’ll nail your freakin’ beak to the bar—irritating bastard bird!”
Duck says, “Got any nails?”
Barman says, “No.”
Duck says, “Got any bread?”
Posted by: Jim at March 16, 2005 05:14 AM (tyQ8y)
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March 14, 2005
A Random Day
I'm a fricking Chatty Cathy doll today. (No disrespect to anyone named Cathy, y'all).
3 posts. Maybe more. Who knows.
My phone hasn't rang once all day. I have 3 weeks left to hand off this program, and a pile of work in my inbox that would make you weep. Normally, my ADD self would get it done by putting my head down and plowing through for an hour or so and then pausing to answer calls, attend meetings, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Except, no calls. No meetings. This is a pause before the storm, but still - my head may just explode. Except for periodic trips for more TUMS to settle my queasy stomach (stress, not Corporate Mommy Jr.), I would be going nutty.
As it is, my day has become a scattered mosaic of visions and tastes, stuffed between hours of adjusting budgets out to fiscal '07 based on updated project plans and levelled forecasts.
Picking up Bear from pre-school this morning, I passed by a High School. The sidewalks were teeming with kids out on lunch break.
I saw a young couple. She was in a pink sweater and a sensible hairstyle. He was tall and handsome, with an arm slung around her shoulder.
At the intersection, she had a small smile and finished whatever she was saying. He nodded in agreement, then closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head for a long time. With his arm he held her tight. She bowed her head a little, into the embrace. Then the light changed, and I had to drive away.
The vision stayed with me for a long time. To be young, and so in love.
Back home again, Bear is crawling around the house pretending to be a cat. The babysitter is following him with a pillow, so when his knees hurt from the wood floor, he can rest on something soft. It is good to be the little King, don't let anyone tell you different.
Myself, I decided on just some broth for lunch to see how that would go down. The first little cup did OK.
In honor of our upcoming dinner at Benihana's, I made myself some of their famous starter soup out of the remaining bowlful of broth - mushrooms sliced so thin you can see through them, finely chopped scallions, a few pieces of fried onion, a few other herbs and spices (with a very light hand).
Ate it slowly, and feel about 50% better.
Tonight I was going to make lean filets with a red wine mushroom reduction and steamed veggies but I am rethinking that whole menu.
The sky is gray and it is time to go back to work. I have miles to go before I rest. Miles.
And for now, I am walking them alone.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
07:25 AM
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1
Your babysitter is made of solid gold, isn't she? "Miles to go before I rest"....are you taking the path less travelled by?
Posted by: Tammy at March 15, 2005 10:54 AM (aFeo0)
2
Hugs for you on your journey.
Posted by: azalea at March 16, 2005 09:15 AM (hRxUm)
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Bubba
This story by Jay got me to remembering our own little run-in with Bubba many years ago.
You gotta remember - CD is a big guy. Not overweight, but tall and very broad-shouldered. He's got a jagged scar down his left cheek from a bar fight when he was 15 (or so the story goes) and his eyes don't naturally smile (unless he's looking at our son).
So it was a rainy rush-hour night, and we were riding in the van somewhere not quite downtown but still in the city.
At an intersection, our light turned green but CD was still kinda new to Chicago and didn't realize that a whole boat-load of people turning left still thought they had the right of way.
So he hit the gas and started driving straight through.
*Wham!*
We were clipped.
Next thing you know, we're all pulling over to the side of the road. The car that hit us was like a clown car full of Bubbas. Short Bubba, Tall beefy Bubba, and even a roly-poly-little Bubba who looked like he was ready to throw a punch at the first thing he saw.
CD ordered me to stay in the van and lock the doors. Then he got out. I thought this was a terrible idea and told him so, but he was already gone.
He approached them, and asked for the driver's license and insurance card.
Then the screaming began. The posturing. And the threats and accusations. Three of them facing down CD.
CD crossed his arms and just stared at the driver. Repeated his request.
They kept shouting. Rattlers in my stomach as I imagined my guy laid out in a pool of blood.
CD just stood there, arms crossed.
A couple of minutes later, Bubba-the-driver leaves his Bubba-buddies behind and races back to the car. After a tense moment, he returned - with his license and insurance card.
Next thing you know, the information had been exchanged and DriverBubba had apologized for the whole thing. CD shook his hand, and we were on our way.
CD later told me that he got out of the van for the same reason Jay did - because otherwise that little mob would have approached us and he didn't want me at risk.
And no, Bear wasn't conceived that night. But not for lack of trying.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
03:43 AM
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Enough
I couldn't get to sleep last night.
I laid in bed, and did that thing that I do to fall alseep.
I imagined having enough.
It used to be that I would imagine winning the lottery. But at some point in my life it occured to me that since I don't play the lottery, I will never win it. And my logical brain rebelled.
So now I imagine 'enough'.
In my 'enough' fantasy, I am home taking care of my son. I am his primary caregiver. But we can still afford the Montessori school.
In my 'enough' fantasy, we have time. All the time for me to be, as Anna calls it, 'the water to his sponge'. Bear and I do all those crafts, we learn to cook together, we talk about why the sky is blue at the Science Museum instead of in a rushed conversation between points "a" and "b".
In my 'enough' fantasy, there's enough left between CD and I to build this amazing, generative relationship. The kind I used to think we had. The kind where we once again spend long road trips arguing religion and politics at turns serious and others, laughing.
In my 'enough' fantasy, there are some decent contractors in our county - and we find them. And little by little the electricity and the plumbing are brought up to date. The stairs to the second floor are put in. And before Bear is too much older, we have enough room for us all in our formerly tiny bungalow.
In my 'enough' fantasy, there's health and energy to do most of the things I mean to do in a day. The time with Bear and CD, the workouts, and the errands, the writing, and the classes I am still eager to take.
Enough looks different to everyone. What's your 'enough'?
(And yes, I slept like a log)
Posted by: Elizabeth at
02:56 AM
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1
For me, remembering to never underestimate the value of what I have and how it fills me exactly full is Enough.
Posted by: Jennifer at March 14, 2005 04:10 AM (jl9h0)
2
For me to be able to say what I think and feel and not worry about repurcussions. For me to tell the telecom market that it's just not that big a deal, that really the world can go on without new phones. For me to be able to believe in myself and sit by a fireplace with a notebook, a cat on my lap, a dog at my feet and the sounds of a child laughing and helping Angus in the kitchen.
That's my enough.
I don't want millions of dollars.
I just want my enough.
Posted by: Helen at March 14, 2005 06:12 AM (Vd6WF)
3
For me, financial security, self-actualisation and
a strong, loving family are Enough.
Posted by: Jean at March 15, 2005 03:51 AM (g+uTc)
4
Enough for me would be some things we have - my job, our relationship, our house, our families, our cats - and some things that we don't have yet - Paul's full recovery from his cancer surgery last year, work that he enjoys, that remodeled kitchen that we've been planning, and a child.
Posted by: Kimberly at March 15, 2005 08:40 PM (Ba9x7)
Posted by: azalea at March 16, 2005 09:13 AM (hRxUm)
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March 10, 2005
March 08, 2005
Could you move the fire?
On a camping vacation to Door County years and years ago, my traveling companion and I met up with the nicest guy.
We got to talking, as you will. And he revealed that he had recently been divorced. Oh, how painful.
When he'd dated his ex, she'd been an active woman. Always working out, going to games of some kind, long bike rides.
As a tour guide for adventure trips, this was an important requirement. They fell in love. Married. And shortly after, she actually went on one of his trips.
It was late, that first night. She'd already been to bed. He was still up. Then she peeked her head of the tent and called to her new husband - "Honey, I'm hot. Could you move the fire?"
Except, uh. She was serious.
The logistics of moving a campfire aside, the question arose: Didn't you know? Didn't you see that she wasn't exactly a Girl Scout?
The answer is an emphatic NO.
When I met CD, you would not know him from the man I am married to today. The inside has completely rearranged.
I was thinking about that this evening when I was reading about Emily's plight. Her ex-husband has hi-jacked her kids for the night.
This is an escalation of his behavior since she asked for a divorce. Using any ambiguity and loophole to punish her and the kids. Like forcing complete obedience from children he wholehearted supported in Attachment Parenting prior to the breakup.
It would be so easy to wonder, didn't she know he would be like this when she dated him? Weren't there signs?
Humans don't like chaos. We like reasons and predictability. If we blame the victims, then somehow we empower them to have made different choices. It makes us feel like we have power to never become victims ourselves.
Which is just bullshit, isn't it?
Yeah OK. Some of us have too many stars in our eyes. We see what we want to see in the gaps of our reality. We jump to conclusions, or misunderstand.
But the truth is that people (me included) do reveal themselves in careful doses and evolve in unexpected ways.
Sometimes that is a grand recipe for two people to share a life discovering and rediscovering each other.
Sometimes that is a brutal recipe for a night spent in tears, wondering if your children are all right with the man you chose to be their father.
And sometimes that is a quick trip to the disposal so you can start all over again. With someone who understands the concept of a campfire.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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1
I have been asked these very same questions, or been told straight-out that I must have had an inkling. Not to discount that, but some of those inklings may have been tolerable traits if there were sufficient compensating factors.
For instance, you do not know the strength of someone's mettle until they have been tested. The man I married came from a close-knit, Christian, Midwest family who cared deeply about and were actively involved in each others' lives. They were fiercely loyal to one another. Just not to spouses, apparently.
My ex cheated for several years, and told me weeks before I delivered my second. When that child became critically ill, I held it together, I learned. I nursed him back and monitored his recovery. When we had financial troubles, he practiced denial while I was left scrambling to borrow money and refinance the house and asking for raises and working three jobs, sometimes while pregnant. And then when his family noticed that I seemed cranky with him a lot of the time, he said YEAH, what about that???
Never in a million years would have guessed any of that unless we had the adversity. Also, his parting gift to me as he moved out was a sprained wrist and shoulder, People who know him would be shocked. Bleh.
Posted by: Mindy at March 08, 2005 09:29 PM (rC+6B)
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I've often wondered what it is exactly that we love about one another. Except in the most delusionally romantic moments, we would all admit that we don't love EVERYTHING about our partner. Obviously, there are a few things that drive us nuts. So, what exactly do we love, and how much change in those areas can we accept before the love just dries up? I don't know.
That's why I think it's so crucial to make your marriage your number one priority. You have to pay attention every day to the little changes and minor crises, or else you'll wake up one morning and not even recognize the person next to you.
The campfire guy just wasn't trying hard enough. Little problems like that can be easily overcome with humor, ingenuity, gallantry, or even some really good sex. Major problems -- like infidelity, financial ruin, irresponsible parenting -- those are a different story.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 09, 2005 07:03 AM (82Da3)
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What was lost
RP, another
MuNu blogger, has 2 amazing children - a girl and a boy. The girl is a little older, although they are close in age. They are close, period. Recently, he posted about how they hold hands in the car.
Now he has a picture up.
I think about how my little brother and I weren't always close, but how we used to hold hands in the night when we were afraid. He would slip into my room in the dark, and sit on the floor by my bed, and reach up with his hand.
God, I miss the us we used to be.
Bear wants a sibling so desperately that it hurts. He turns friends into sisters and brothers. He begs for us to give him a baby to love.
I wish we had.
Somedays I feel like I have failed him in every part of my being by consigning him to life as an only child.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
07:15 AM
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1
You love him and have provided love for him and made him feel loved. You have not failed him in the slightest. Honestly.
Posted by: RP at March 08, 2005 07:20 AM (LlPKh)
2
I am an only child, you haven't failed him. As a matter of fact, the positives far outweigh any negatives. (Ignore the fact that, at 40, I recently asked my parents for a sibling. I was joking, and they said, "no", anyway)
Posted by: Busy Mom at March 08, 2005 08:12 AM (JnTRH)
3
My husband's an only child, and there are numerous advantages. He has never complained to me about it, although I know everyone's different.
Posted by: Kris at March 08, 2005 08:28 AM (WZK1f)
4
I'm an only child. I desperately wanted a sibling until I was about 8 years old, primarily because I envisioned that my sibling and I would always play happily together, never fight, and gang up on my parents together. Well, when I was 8 I went for a weekend to visit family friends - they had 3 kids. It felt like chaos to me at the time - constant activity, the parents directing the children away from whatever they were doing, and the sibling bickering! On top of that, the youngest child bugged me constantly. After that dose of reality, I never wished for a sibling again.
I think it's a case of 'grass is always greener' when you're a young child. When you get older, you realize the advantages to being an only. :-)
Posted by: R at March 08, 2005 08:35 AM (LVFlU)
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I think every mother feels that way sometimes. When you love someone as much as you love your child, you want to do everything perfectly for them, but it just isn't possible. You have to consider your own needs, as well as your husband's, and you have to make compromises. It's easy to second-guess yourself after the fact, but you have to trust that you did what you thought was best at the time. And you have to forgive yourself, because guilt takes all the joy out of life.
It's possible that Bear senses your conflict over having another baby, and that could be why he keeps talking about it.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 08, 2005 01:27 PM (82Da3)
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I feel that way with My Kid all the time. He is SO GREAT with younger children, too (even strangers at the park would comment on it); I know he would have made an AWESOME big brother. But you know what? There are worse things in life than being an only child.
I worry for him when Big Daddy & I grow old and he has to deal with it all on his own, but I hope that my brother & sister and their families will support him when he has to face that.
Posted by: kalisah at March 08, 2005 02:03 PM (HRiMC)
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This is the worry I have about our boy; I don't know if physically I could get pregnant again, but even if I could, maritally it's unlikely and financially it would be impossible. I'm with you in this boat, and I am so sorry.
Posted by: Anna at March 08, 2005 06:30 PM (WCueR)
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My daughter begs for a baby sibling too. But I'm pretty sure I don't want another, and my partner is *really* sure, and our house is really small, so that's that.
I have to remind myself that it wouldn't just be another sibling for her, it'd be another child for us-- and in addition to everything else it would mean, what if that child pleaded for a baby sibling also? Where would it all end?
I figure, no child has exactly the family they want, and this is how it will be for ours.
Posted by: elswhere at March 08, 2005 07:27 PM (NXBw2)
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Oh no, Elizabeth. You are truly a caring, kind, compassionate, well-thought-out mom. You haven't failed Bear in any way I can see -- whatsoever!!!
If Bear doesn't have a sibling, he will be blessed with your sole love, devotion and attention -- and won't ever have to share you! That is a gift into itself...though I am sure it doesn't help the pain.
I'm sorry Elizabeth. Maybe there is a divine reason for this that one day Bear or you will see. Hugs!
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 10, 2005 07:25 PM (QhI+Z)
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March 02, 2005
All Aboard the Clue Train
So, Bear is now an Orange Belt in his young kids martial arts program.
He tested last Saturday (his kicks are more like hops, but hey - he's 4) and afterwards, the tester asked who would like to be promoted to orange belts. Bear shot his arm up and bounced, his little body tight as a drum with excitement.
When the tester told him to come to the front and get his new belt, I just about burst into tears with happiness for him.
No, wait. I DID burst into tears.
So, about last night.
Normally, CD takes Bear to class twice a week. Last night I did it because he was running late.
I thought it would be like it had been on Saturday, all the parents cheering for all the kids. After all, you have never seen a more egalitarian or cheerful dojo in all your life.
The instructors are every color, gender, and age. The teaching approach, while grounded in respect and tradition, just oozes kindness and support. The kids LOVE this place, it is bright and happy. They line up early and press their faces against the glass wall that divides the spectators from the mats.
Was I ever an ignoramous. So totally missed the clue train that I think I was in the wrong station.
The mother next to me asked which one was "mine" and I pointed out Bear. (He's easy to spot - being the youngest one and, oh yeah, that BRIGHT ORANGE HAIR.) She pointed out "hers", a big girl who she said was 7 years old.
She then spent the next 40 minutes telling me what Bear (and everyone else) was doing wrong. And what her daughter was doing right.
The father on my left pointed out his son. He had 2 little girls squirming on his lap, but in his free seconds he provided me with color counter-commentary to the woman on my right.
The lady standing behind me started to chime in. Her daughter has been doing martial arts for a year now, and so obviously she was an expert. She raised the bar by telling us what the teachers were doing wrong.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.
I burst.
When the first woman informed me that Bear's feet weren't parallel, I interrupted her.
"I don't care," I said, cutting her off.
"Well, you see..."
" I. Don't. Care." I repeated.
"You will when he falls down in competition..."
I refused to respond.
"That's your son?" Lady #2 asked me. "Why is he always raising his hand?"
"He likes to be called on, is my guess," I answered.
"Well..."
"Is that your son?" Lady #1 asked right over my lap to the man on the other side. "He would be a good sparring partner for her son," she indicated me.
"OK," I interrupted. Again. "Look. No offence meant but I'm just here to watch my son. And he's just here to work off some energy and have fun."
Silence. Ahhhhh.
Then. Behind me. Lady #2 to Lady #1. Sotto voce; "She'll learn."
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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1
That sounds like the Soccer Moms from Hell that I found last season.
See, their team merged with our team, and, well, they take it WAY more seriously than I ever do.
It's soccer. You run, you kick the ball.
No, they had to yell and scream and criticize the coach and everything else. Nothing was "right." Everything was "not enough."
The best part was that my son still played circles around their kids. In spite of his ADD / ODD whatever. He just loves to run, and kick. He also has a natural gift of balance and agility. So we don't have to do much more than say "attaboy."
Posted by: ben at March 02, 2005 06:05 AM (cMBPb)
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You handled that very diplomatically. I think I might have started barking. What those parents don't realize is that their kids would perform much better in all aspects of their life, if they weren't constantly criticized.
Posted by: notdonnareed at March 02, 2005 06:57 AM (82Da3)
3
This is the type of thing I have nightmares about. I'm disgusted. I would have been a lot ruder than you were.
Posted by: Anna at March 02, 2005 07:19 AM (WCueR)
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Damn. You did just fine. My forlorn hope is that someday these other parents will
get it, but I kind of doubt it. You get it, though. And for the record, parents like that should not be allowed to attend classes. And yes, I have trained four different martial arts, to a fairly high level so I do know what I am talking about. Elizabeth, you rock.
Posted by: RP at March 02, 2005 08:23 AM (LlPKh)
5
Well, here's to hoping that you don't ever "learn." Gawd! I would have been less diplomatic than you. Don't let the overbearing know-it-alls ruin your experience or make you feel abnormal! You have the right attitude and don't be afraid to tell them that it's their attitude that is sadly misguided.
Posted by: Philip at March 03, 2005 03:43 AM (vhWf1)
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Arrgh. That's why parents are on the other side of the glass. Too many kids give up activities they love, because they just can't handle having their parents be so critical.
Posted by: Tammy at March 03, 2005 10:03 AM (aFeo0)
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BAH! Just bah! I spit in their general direction...
Posted by: Michele at March 03, 2005 04:39 PM (jTs6K)
Posted by: Psycho Kitty at March 03, 2005 05:15 PM (lRZ1W)
9
AhhhhhHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh....are you sure you like Chicago? Not that it is much better here LOL. We traded arrogance for IGNORANCE, and I am NOT JOKING! LOLOLOL
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at March 04, 2005 02:38 AM (QhI+Z)
10
Why didn't you just start laughing like crazy, remind these people (or at least those sitting around them) how lunatic-y they sound.
What I don't get about these running discussions on drive-by comments is why people take them so seriously. There's so many crazies in the world (just look around any standard dept of motor vehicles and you can see what I mean) -- why give them any power? Honestly, if you just handle them with humor, virtually all of the sting disappears and it gives everybody a chance to step back.
Me, I would have said something like "Can't take the slacker out of the mom." Or "Yep, there goes the mother of the year award." No big judgment. No "I'm right, you're wrong." Just a step-back moment of lightness.
Jmho. Life's too short to fret even for second over the ever-present idiocy of some of the masses.
Congrats on the orange belt!
Cathy
Posted by: cathy at March 04, 2005 03:48 AM (9dQAj)
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OMG. Next time that happens, I double dog dare you to stand up, face the busybodies and do your best Bruce Lee/Jean-Claude/Segal/Jackie Chan complete with battle cries and varied posturing.
Armchair quarterbacking pisses me off. I have a hard time being polite when people are offering random critiques of my children. The coach, fine. But some dorito-butt couch queen in pink sweats telling me how my kid is doing it wrong? I would have to open up a can on her.
"Gee, you must feel like this class is a huge waste of time and money, given YOUR expertise. Sheeit, woman, why don't you just get on out there and show the kids what needs to be done. And where's YOUR belt? Should we call you Sensei?"
Posted by: Jenny at March 04, 2005 03:59 PM (fcvxR)
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man, those people are lucky that
they didn't get a hop-kick to the head! eesh!
Posted by: lex at March 04, 2005 09:42 PM (VNUYN)
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so proud of you for telling them you don't care! Not that it will shut them up or make them realize they're being ass-hats, but at least it's a start.
Jen
Posted by: Jen_Jake'smom at March 07, 2005 02:13 AM (2/T1v)
14
Yikes! Unfortunatly, I am familiar with the type of "armchair warriors" you ran into there. Some people get a little bit of knowledge about a subject and use it to try and make themselves look good by making others feel inadequate. It strikes me as just plain rude. Frankly, I think your response was appropriate.
Fortunately, it sounds like the teachers' philosophy fits in with what you would like Bear to get out of these classes...a chance to exercise, have some positive social interaction, develop coordination and self-discipline and a great outlet for all that kid energy!
Personally, what I've learned from the practice of martial arts is how to deal more gracefully with adversity; I've learned how to calmly look a scary person in the eye even when I am actually trembling in my boots. I've learned how to fall on my butt and bounce right back up again, laughing. I've learned to push myself to do things I'm not quite sure I can do and succeed. The best teachers I've had were those who conveyed their knowledge with a sense of playfulness and humor, and who approached weaknesses in my form or technique as interesting problems for me to solve. Even though I've stopped training years ago those lessons are still useful to me.
I wish Bear all the best, Congrats on the Orange Belt, and I hope that he has fun in martial arts for a long, long time!
Posted by: Laura at March 10, 2005 05:58 PM (8mbSM)
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