Picture by Elizabeth: Park Entrance in Fall, 10/2004

We wish for you, a wonderful weekend.

Bear and I are off into the wind, flying to Boston. We're visiting my Aunt and Uncle, and every other relative too. We're Trick or Treating in the same town that I first Trick or Treated as a little girl.

We'll be back Tuesday.

Poor CD, meanwhile, will be sitting in the Den with a large bowl of candy. Alone. With the candy.

Happy Halloween!!

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Late in the evening, window open, train rattling off in the distance, wind blowing - hard. It's raining. Water. Mist. And leaves. Showers of golden leaves in the streetlights.

The cold feels good.

I'm caught, as Big Head Todd sings, in the "Bittersweet. More sweet than bitter ...more bitter than sweet".

The sweet, it's there for all to see. Life with Bear is so wonderful.

It's the bitter, that's hidden in the shadows. It's why I've been battling the blues for months now.

Since that morning early in summer, when we realized... no baby. No sudden magic fertilitity. No "look, Baby.the.sequel - no money down, no credit check." No easy path to repeat the glory, another one to join us and Bear.

Blues. Every few nights it's like this, 2AM and not asleep. In my days, life goes on. Although I notice that I am avoiding exercising (gee, did I finally spell it right?) or anything else that would actually help me work through this.

I'm feeding the blues. It's like the injury that you make worse by hiding it away.

The injury needs to be cleaned and bandaged. Out in the light.

The blues need to be faced.

Blues. Not Depression. I know this because I asked an expert about it. Actually several. Thought there might be a magic pill I could take that would help me.

Nope.

We've been grappling with choices. And even begining to deal with them has been so hard. So very hard.

There's this great line, in Farscape. When Areyn wants to get together with John Crichton again. And he can't do it. Crichton says to Aeryn: “I would put my life in your hands, but not my heart.”

That's how I feel.

After Bear was born, CD and I faced a crisis. It had been 7 months of bedrest, of emergency after emergency to finally get Bear delivered - alive and healthy.

And then he was. And suddenly, we weren't living under seige anymore. How wonderful. And... how hard. It was a bumpy road, filled with therapy and prayer, to recover.

The thought of of doing it again. Of losing more, and hoping to make it to the finish line... Of walking through that gauntlet again, day after day after day. Of ripping of ourselves inside out to try and have another baby scares me sick.

Because to do this, it means putting not just my life and my body but my heart back into the hands of this process.

He says, please.

I say I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hope anymore. I want a line in the sand. I want to stick my tongue out at the bogeyman and waggle my fingers in my ears.

CD, he can't make this better for me. And he can't stop wanting.

But wanting won't make it so.

So I'm up late, and I've got no answers.

Just the window open and wind blowing and the raining down leaves blues.

Picture by Elizabeth: Yellow Leaves, This Morning After the Rain, 10/2004

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[note: click any picture to see larger in a new window]

Bear and I rolled out of bed early this morning to give CD a ride over to the El train. The sun was barely up. As we were heading home the "Dunkin Donuts way" (the path amazingly takes you right into the drive-thru lane) - we passed the park. The morning mist was still clinging to the lawn. I had to stop and roll down the windows and breath it in.

Picture by Elizabeth: Early Autumn Morning & Park Bench, 10/2004

For long minutes, we sat in the quiet car looking out the window. The sun turned brighter and the fog burned away before our eyes. "Look," I said to my sleepy Bear. "Isn't that lovely? Let's take some pictures."

Picture by Elizabeth: Early Morning Field in Autumn, 10/2004

"Me, too?" he asked.

"Sure," I agreed. And I passed back the camera.

Picture by Bear: The Exersizing Man, 10/2004

"That man is excersizing!" Bear told me as he passed the camera back to me.

"Look at the sunbeams," I pointed. "Autumn is my favorite season."

"What's Autumn?" Bear asked me.

"The time of year when the leaves turn pretty colors and fall to the ground and we rake. It starts with your birthday and ends with St Nicholas Day. And in between we have Thanksgiving and..."

"Halloween!" Bear announced.

Picture by Elizabeth: Mist and Autumn Morning Sun, 10/2004

"Autumn is my favorite, too," Bear told me.

We watched the sun rise up a little longer. It was brighter and the leaves so lovely in saturated color. I began to hum, a song from my childhood.

"What's that?" Bear asked me.

"An old song, your grandpa likes. Let me see if I can remember it....
The falling leaves
Drift by the window
The autumn leaves
Of red and gold"

Picture by Elizabeth: Autumn Leaves at the Park, 10/2004

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Bear."

"I've got to go potty."

Idyll crashed to a stop; we buckled up and dashed home.

A few hours later, he came into my office and patted my arm.

"Mommy? I am going to the park now. Are you going to come with us?"

"I have to work," I lamented.

"That's OK, I will bring you some leaves. Does that sound like a good idea?"

And for an answer, I just hugged him tight.

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Don't be drinking coffee when you read this. It will come out your nose.

You've been warned.

"Just got a postcard from my brain. It's somewhere warm and sandy, enjoying a drink with an umbrella, and enjoying the cabana boy as well. It doesn't miss me at all." ....
Read More: Jenny's Brain Takes A Vacation

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I've been working on-site this week (can't blog on company property, y'all) so in between lapping the house in my Red Sox outfit and rainbow wig, I've been catching up on my reading. Oh, I am SUCH an addict to your lives.

JIM got a J-O-B! (Whoop! Who Da Man?) Snooze Button Dreams: Here's the skinny...

Anna, whose husband moved out last week, has reconciled with him. She's been going through a lot:

All day I thought how odd it was that I was able to get through it with almost no tears, and how... I must be messed up for adjusting to life without (him) so quickly. And then the end of the day came, and I can't end it. I can't stop moving. And here I am typing, because it's something else to do, it's not stopping. I can't stop. I can't stop.

And Frum Dad, bless him, has outed himself as a Kerry supporter. He tackles the issues straight on. The hard stuff, like Abortion and Iraq, from his perspective as a person of deep religious conviction.

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In my life, I have watched a man walk on the surface of the moon, touched a piece of the destroyed Berlin Wall, cheered as the Americans beat the Russian National Hockey Team, lost a game of Chess to a computer, made a phone call while standing in the Atlantic Ocean, and listened to the sounds of my son's heart beating inside of me.

And now I add this:

I have seen the Red Sox win the World Series.
SI.com - MLB - Red Sox win first World Series in 86 years - Thursday October 28, 2004

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Red Sox beat the Cards in Game 3 (4-1)!!!!! Manny Ramirez, honey, you did good. You too Pedro. Now everybody go home and get some rest - tomorrow's another big day.

And nobody change their socks.

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I was very moved by this post. I Am Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare: The Dark, the Light and the Gratitude

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He said how I feel....

If you're a Cardinals fan, you wanna hurl right now.

You're down 0-2 and you just want to cry.

But here's the thing -- you're better off than a Sox fan right now.

Because a Sox fan, being a Sox fan, is more worried than you are.

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This is what has come of me learning about site statistics and stuff. I joined something called the The Truth Laid Bear and it shows who and how many people link to you.

According to TLLB, 9 stopped linking to this site last night. That's a huge bump for a little site like mine.

I thought it might have to do with my post about Librarians and the Patriot Act. But a nice reader pointed out, it probably was a glitch.

If not, if they disagreed with my 'Librarian Love' - and dropped the link, good on them.

I hate when people complain about reality shows but keep watching them. These people did exactly right - they chose to delete Corporate Mommy from their worlds.

And in the grand scheme of things, I don't care much if a I'm a TLLB "fish" or a "rodent". It's a fun thing, but it isn't important.

Now, I'm off to the library. Because I go every week. And because I've decided that Bear and I are making some cookies for our own personal "Thank a Librarian" Day.

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1 Elizabeth, they didn't necessarily unlink to you. My linkage goes up and down all the time; because somedays I comment a lot on other people's blogs and somedays I don't. Some days I track back, and somedays I don't. Some days (but more rarely) people track back to my post. All these count as a link. (from my understanding) So the nine losses could simply be people whose pages you commented on, linked to, ecetera. So it could be that

Posted by: Rachel Ann at October 26, 2004 05:41 AM (QqZV4)

2 Hmm, I have no idea about all of that...I stopped keeping track of mine long ago. I link to rss feeds via bloglines.

Posted by: Cheryl at October 26, 2004 07:16 AM (vIpJW)

3 you guys are all waaaaay so much more technical than me. I don't even know what a trackback is. I'm pretty sure I've finally figured out links, though.

Posted by: kalisah at October 27, 2004 12:36 PM (rU32B)

4 OK, from me to you: Back away from TTLB. Just back away. Put the TTLB bear down. You don't want it. All it does is confuse/depress/annoy people. I think TTLB is wildly innacurate, and I simply disregard it. I write for me, and you have The Gift. The Writing Gift. So never go back to TTLB and know this: people think you're fab (and I am a big one of those.) Scr*w TTLB. Just write. Helen VP of MAS

Posted by: Helen at October 27, 2004 11:23 PM (DCpYG)

5 ....or it coud be all of those crazy librarians!

Posted by: Genuine at October 29, 2004 03:54 AM (8cRqB)

6 Screw 'em. It just gives the rest of us a bigger slice of the pie. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at November 05, 2004 02:41 AM (tyQ8y)

7 Bless you, ma'am! We librarians need more patrons like you!

Posted by: Tiny Librarian at December 10, 2004 08:43 AM (Wq/Wc)

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Tonight, a warm autumn full moon overhead, the three of us went for a walk around our Pleasantville block.

"Did you know about the Libraries and the Patriot Act?" CD asked me.

"The Federal Government can pull records of Internet usage and stuff without a compelling reason why...

"Now the Homeland Security people want to pass an act that will send Librarians to jail if they even reveal the FBI has been there. Sending LIBRARIANS to jail."

And CD, he loves Librarians. He loves books and Libraries and Librarians. "Jail. Not for saying WHAT was raided or anything. Just for saying the library was raided. 'Oh hun, you wouldn't believe my day - the FBI had me running around for hours...' This they would make ILLEGAL. Conversation. In America. By LIBRARIANS."

"I guess it's that old saying... what if it was your kid that was in danger.." I mused.

"No. No. This isn't about safety. How is safety served in gagging Librarians? In curtailing Free Speech? Can there be justice in secrecy? No, this is about power. This about control."

"What can we do about it?"

"The Librarians are erasing the records of the computers every night. An act of rebellion."

"Librarians?"

"Yeah."

"To protect free speech?"

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

And I thought back to the world, before.

This is the world, after.

And I don't have anything more to say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: This entry was previously prefaced by an anecdote of how easy it was, being an American in the world, prior to 9/11. How I ended up accidentally in Turkey one time and was penalized for traveling (without passport, papers, or even a full set of clothing) with 2 cups of Nescafe and a free ferry ticket. Because I said the magic words "I am American." But I thought about it, and realized - I just want to talk about the Librarians. Because really, I'm not so brave. And I think they are. In a world where it feels a little more McCarthian every day, I want to say - I admire these Librarians. And thank them, for their conviction.

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Dear People of California and the Pacific Northwest,

Sun received in excellent condition.

I am out to hunt free-ranging Republicans per our agreement.

Thank you for the prompt delivery,
Signed,
Elizabeth
aka Corporate Mommy

P.S. While I am roving the streets with my butterfly net and Phil Donahue tapes - here is the story of our weekend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday night we drove to Indiana, Bear and I.

I have a good friend who lives there; her oldest and mine are the same age. Our boys talk on the phone once a week or so. One of these days SNL needs to drop one of the lip-synching acts and do a skit on 3-year-olds talking on the phone:

Boy1: I just wanted to say Hi and I watched Digimon this morning.

Boy2: Spiderman is my favorite, he has a web shooter.

Boy1: You come to my house tomorrow. I have 2 shields and I play knights.

Boy2: I am eating spaghetti for dinner. more...

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As we were getting ready to leave our friends in Indiana last night, the previously rainy sky had burst into this. I didn't know if the digital camera would be able to capture it.

Picture by Elizabeth: Indiana Sunset over the Highway, 10/2004

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Dear People of California,

In response to the ad we saw in your paper, we respectfully request that you package the sunshine equivilent to one (1) day of warmth. Please send it in an insulated carton to us, C.O.D., express mail, overnight, with a big old bow on top. Send it now. Right now. Please.

In return, every third person who was going to vote for Bush will now vote for Kerry or, if that is impossible due to health or safety concerns, Ed Asner as a write-in candidate.

P.S. The pinky sunset kind of sun is all right if you're low on the other kind.

Thank you.
Yours sincerely, etc etc
The people of the Midwest

Picture by Elizabeth: Santa Monica, 5/2000

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This morning, while Bear and I were in the car:

Bear (this is a common question): Mommy, what is this song mean?

Me: This is a song named "Amazed" by a man named Paul to his wife, Linda

Bear: Do you like this song?

Me: Yes. It is a good song.

Bear: (a few minutes later) What about this song?

Me: About a boy who is asking his Daddy for help because he's in trouble.

Bear: Lawyers, Guns and Money?

Me: Uh.. yes. He is asking for those things.

Bear: What's a Lawyer?

Me: Someone who can go in front of the judge and help you if you have been arrested.

Bear: OK. And guns?

Me: You know what guns are.

Bear: Well, that's naughty, right? Is he a bad guy?

Me: I think he is just saying he wants help.

Bear: Well, guns aren't help, silly! He just wants his daddy. He should say he's sorry and then his daddy can come. And the lawyers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This evening, Bear and CD playing & chatting after dinner:

Bear: Daddy, what did you do today?

CD: I helped people with computers.

Bear: Good Job!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later:

CD: What are you doing?

Bear: Playing pretend. This is my store.

CD: What are you selling?

Bear: Potties. For girls.

CD: Uh. OK.

(wait for it....)

CD: Uh, Bear?

Bear: Yes?

CD: Why?

Bear: Just because!

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So my site was down today.

Good reason to check out other people's sites... when I wasn't busy twirling around my house in red tights singing "We are Champions" and offering ritual sacrifices in gratitude for Johnny Damon (Remember Game 67? Oh, I heart the Red Sox.)

Today? It's all about the love.

ben wrote the love story of his family, set to the lyrics of "It's a Wonderful World" and it made me all misty. Check it out at Hey, you: What a world.

Kimberly also wrote the love story between her and her husband Paul - that has been interrupted by his cancer more than once.

Kalisah has an idea that will allow more of us to love our fellow drivers, at least on the highways near her.

And someone loves me, although she doesn't actually read me.

So here's some love back, taken at the store next to Bear's pediatrician. I thought it was a nice snap:

Picture by Elizabeth: York Weights, 10/2004

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RED SOX ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!

Last year, we watched both the BoSox and the Cubbies blow historic oportunities.

This year.... this year.... this year!!!

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Picture by Jim: Amtrak's City of New Orleans

I used to hate Halloween. It always went horribly wrong for me. I have only one good memory of it prior to the arrival of Bear. It is a story, told with a thick accent, that has entered the annals of family lore.

Many years ago, I was planning to spend Halloween in Normal (Illinois) with my partner at the time. HeÂ’d invited me down for a costume party, merriment, lust and spiked punch. I was in Chicago, and raced from work to Union Station to catch the last train south.

And I missed it.

Frantically, I jogged to the ticket booth. The best they could offer me a seat on the City of New Orleans, which had a stop about 40 miles from Normal. It was pulling out in 5 minutes. I bought a ticket, and left a fast message for my partner that I prayed he would get in time.

And then I began running.

Crazy people, business people, dressed-up people, tired people - they all conspired to get in my way. Oof. Bam. Sorry! Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!

Out to the tracks where it was cold, the train huffing and just releasing its brakes. I was sprinting hard when the strap on my duffel bag, across my chest, broke and the bag fell down my back. I, stumbled, scooped the bag up by the handles, and started running again.

From nowhere, a guy came up from behind me and pulled the duffle bag from my hand and raced ahead of me.

So now I was chasing him.

My lungs hurt from the cold, but otherwise I was in fine shape. But this guy? He was fast. Like fast Eddie, moving in a blur.

He jumped the train just as it began to move. My bag with him.

Then he turned and held out a hand for me.

Surprised, pleased, I reached for him and he pulled me aboard. We stood, close, huffing and looking at each other.

The conductor came along and herded us into a passenger car, almost empty. My kind thief dropped his bag in the first seat, and turned to me.

"I'm Jamie," he said, extending his hand. There was a burr in his accent.

"I'm Elizabeth," I responded, and shook his hand. Then he reached over and grabbed my left hand and held it for a second. He looked at the ring, which had been my great-grandfatherÂ’s - but I wore it on a certain finger to make a certain statement. Jamie said "ach" with a question in it.

"Yes," I confirmed. "He'll be waiting at the station."

"Right," Jamie said, gently releasing my hand.

I picked up my duffle and moved to the middle of the car.

The next 15 minutes I spent not reading the book in my lap and watching Chicago recede from view.

"Lass!" Jamie shouted. "Elizabeth!"

I poked my head up. Jamie was leaning against the front wall, holding a 6-pack of Coca-Cola. He held one up and I moved forward to accept. Not playing favorites, Jamie went up and down the car and offered one to the other 4 or 5 people on the train. Turns out he'd bought a couple of 6-packs in the food car.

"They're so cheap, here!" He announced, cheerfully. "I can't afford a soda pop where I come from."

"Where are you from?" asked a woman who'd scooted over to the edge of her seat to join in the conversation. I dropped into the seat across from Jamie.

"Scotland," Jamie said. He told us about his evangelistic church, how it was part of the new, more fundamental, Presbyterian movement in Scotland. How an America group of churches had sponsored him to come to America to study and travel around the states visiting churches and talking about his group and their work.

Suddenly I noticed that we were no longer a group of dispersed strangers. We were a half dozen, huddled at the edges of the benches and chatting like we were at a party.

“Oh, Halloween’s the Devil’s own isn’t it?” I heard Jamie saying.

“You think so?” I challenged. “It is very secular in this country. More a fall celebration than one of demons or witches.”

Jamie shuddered. “You indoctrinate your children with this? Promote the images of happy ghosts and kind witches? Aren’t you afraid for them? That they will turn away from God?”

The lady next to me brought up the tainted candy and the razor blades that had been pushed into apples.

Jamie nodded. “People say to me that they don’t believe in the Devil. They say that there is only God. But I know that isn’t true. There is evil, isn’t there? People do bad things just to hurt. For no other reason. What do you call that, I ask you?”

And then we were off to the races. For the next hour, we argued theology – we random people joined by Jamie’s Cokes and a famous train. We argued Devils and Angels. We argued Halloween. It didn’t hurt that he was beautiful and charismatic, and that he never turned defensive or angry as we disagreed.

It was exhilarating. You could feel the good will. We were in such an alive state. The best of what debate and fellowship can be.

It was an amazing ride. And it was over too soon.

The conductor announced my stop and I moved back to my seat to get my things. I was surprised to find Jamie standing in the windy exit, too.

“Is he a Christian?” Jamie asked me.

“No,” I said quietly.

“A believer of another faith, then?”

“No,” I replied again.

"I’ll pray for you,” he said.

“And I for you,” I replied.

And we stepped off the train.

My partner was standing there, and moved to embrace me. When we stepped back, there was Jamie. Who moved in and grabbed up my partner in a massive bear hug. Jamie didn't let go. “The devil is stealing your life away a day at a time, man!" Jamie warned him fiercely."The Devil is stealing.your.life.away a day at a time!!"

And then Jamie was gone.

My partner looked down at me, not knowing how to react to a drive-by squeeze and warning from a Scottish male evangelist. “Honey,” he said finally, “you’ve GOT to stop bonding with strangers.”

And we headed to the parking lot.

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It's been announced: The Zero Boss: Blogging for Books #4 - We Have a Winner!

I am so thrilled. If someone accidentally bumps off Lilly then I get the crown AND the free year's supply of ink cartridges.

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CD just sent this to me, and not because I made him sit through about 15 hours of Farscape in the last 2 weeks.

No.

Wait.

YES, because I made him sit through 15 hours of Farscape.

And? He loves me. And is completely secure in my returning the feeling. Ben Browder's blue eyes notwithstanding. Ahem.

Copyright belongs to, and all rights reserved to:U Comics LLC

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