We drove home in silence.

I watched the skies out the car window. My knees up to my chest and my feet on the dashboard as he maneuvered the van through the murk of Lower Wacker. Every few feet, a crash of rain on the roof as we would be exposed to the world above.

My son was asleep in his car seat behind me. Around his wrist, a bright yellow hospital bracelet. I looked back at him often, my heart swelling in gratitude at his peaceful expression, he feverless cheeks.

Down on the car floor, my phone lit up and I ignored it. Despite being on Emergency Leave, my phone had logged over 30 incoming calls. 13 messages. My deputy had been let go due to budget concerns and my manager was attempting to fill in. I had told him a dozen times that I was not in a sitaution where I could deal with work. He kept calling.

Twenty feet outside my window, the river danced with the rain. I watched the boats push against the wind and the people rushing with umbrellas over the bridges above. The flags lining Michigan Avenue flapped and pulled violently.

In the passenger seat, I thought about my son. I thought about how he was fine. I swallowed back the terror that something truly evil was unfurling inside him. I clenched my eyes shut and prayed.

"He's going to be all right," my husband announced softly, firmly.

I nodded, and gripped his hand.

It was like a kaleidoscope, in my mind... The day I came back to Chicago. Walking into my old apartment for the first time, the creak of the wood floors. The flash of light as I was slid into the torpedo tube for my MRI when I got sick. The chalky smell of books in the room where I got my job as a corporate trainer. The feel of slippery hotel comforters in dozens of towns. The touch of CD's hand brushing mine the night we met. The dry, earnest expression of the guy who interviewed me at Mega. The moment of disbelief as I waited before walking across the backyard to get married. The stink of chlorine as I pulled myself from another set of laps. The sound of my son, alive inside me after the doctors had sadly warned me that he was probably gone.

My phone flashed again at my feet. I looked away just as the road corkscrewed up from the underground. We exited the tunnel and he flipped on the wipers. Ahead of us, a bouquet of thousands of taillights on a congested highway.

I traced my finger into the fog on my window.

I thought about the advice I'd had lately. About how, if I quit my career, I would be bereft of it. About how I'd never get back to the kind of income again, which was probably true. About the sacrifices it would mean, the struggles. About how, now that he was in full-day school, the benefits of an at-home parent were not as high as when he was a baby. I thought about never getting another emailed "attaboy". About how my personality needed challenge.

I grabbed up the phone and called my boss back. The conversation quickly disintegrated. He told me I wasn't being a team player. He fashioned an inconvenience into an emergency. Exhausted, angry, I finally hung up on him.

I rubbed the heel of my hand against my eye. Tears of confusion and frustration. Of fear. Of relief.

For an hour, we rolled towards home. For a guy who grew up in a rural world of dirt roads, my husband is an extremely skillful city driver. He gently tacked across surface streets, finally bringing us into town the back way.

The driveway was shiny and wet. The cool air burst into the van as we hopped out, moving quickly to the back. The door slid open and in a practiced, synchronized motion, he wrapped our son in a blanket and carried him away as I reached in and gathered up all our things.

I paused on the stoop, looking up at the still-green leaves of our big tree dripping with rain. The air had changed. I shook the wet off my hair as I stepped into the house.

"The weather's turned," I called, closing the door firmly behind me.

He caught my eye and nodded. "I know."

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:05 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 752 words, total size 4 kb.

We're home, all three of us.

It's not Strep. It's not Kowasaki. They don't what it is, just some virus. And all the doctors sing the same song (Doo-wop, Doo wop) that 6 days of 104-ish temperatures are not normal.

They pulled fluids, are running some tests. But the upshot is that they let us take Bear home. (If his fever climbs again, or if he's not better by Friday, or if he gets one of 2 freaky rashes, then it's back to Children's.)

Bear is curled up with his dad in front of Scooby Doo. Thank God for our blessings. And thank everyone for the good thoughts and prayers. I don't think we've ever been so scared in our lives, and I can't begin to describe what it means to know that people are so kind.... (oh, can't talk. I'm verklempt.)

Posted by: Elizabeth at 12:16 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Well, we're off to the hospital.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:17 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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I'm begining to feel like a walking train wreck.

My new manager called to inform me (while on leave to take care of my son!) that he was temporarily demoting me. Only in title. It's hoped by those "on high" that this would calm the crazy customer who, despite my project being in Green Status and on time and budget, has asserted that he doesn't feel like I understand his priorities.

Internal customer, mind you. We all work for the same company. Oh, and same rank as me. But let's put a pin in that.

My Executive told him that people don't get changed around on her team because of feelings. She demanded that he provide some kind of paper trail showing that I was doing a poor job.

Of course, no such paper trail exists.

Then, out of the other side of her mouth, she told my manager to demote me. Keep my pay, responsibilities the same. Just get me out of the guy's sight.

So, back where we started. My manager called to inform me...

After a moment of disbelief, I got good and pissed. He told me that I should take some time to think about it, since I was tired and had "family distractions". I told him that if he attempted to demote me, in any way, that I would go to the mats. I would go to HR, I would go to my operational management, and I would go loudly. That he better be bulletproof, because no one was messing with my professional career and reputation.

Wow, he said. I admire your spunk.

Yes. He really said that.

Meanwhile, we took Bear off the meds to see if he'd turned the corner.

His temperature is 104.9.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 11:56 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Bear's 103~104ish (f) degree fever has persisted now since begining on Friday.

I've learned more about childhood fevers in the last few days than I thought there was to know. Turns out that the fever itself is not a bad thing, and may be a tool Bear's body is using to fight whatever infection he has. And when he gets a drop in temperature (thank you, Tylenol), he becomes "himself" again - talking, joking, wanting to read stories.

But then the heat comes back. He fades away, before our very eyes. At the doctor's office, "New Doctor" (ND) heard a heart murmur that she says should go away once he is well. More than that, his hands shake, he gets a couple of red spots, he whimpers, he vomits.

The ND says this is OK - not dangerous. Yeah, but that shaking and whimpering looks scary to us. It rips our still-beating hearts from our body as we cling to the side of his bed, whispering to him that everything is going to be OK.

Then we slip him some more Tylenol and walk on eggshells until it kicks in.

The problem here is that we're on Day 5 without a known cause (other than a fair belief that it is not Meningitis) or an end in sight. If he doesn't turn the corner soon, then it's off to the hospital.

I got this from the Blue Cross site:

My child has a fever and no other symptoms. What's wrong?

When a child has a high fever that isn't accompanied by a runny nose, a cough, vomiting, or diarrhea, figuring out what's wrong can be difficult. Some viral infections, such as roseola, cause three days of very high fever followed by a rash of small red bumps. More serious infections, like meningitis, urinary tract infections, or bacteremia (bacteria in the bloodstream), also may trigger a high fever without other symptoms. But infections aren't the only triggers for fever; tumors, autoimmune diseases, and certain drug reactions can cause it. For these reasons, call your pediatrician if your child has a high fever but no other symptoms.

Yeah, we're all kinds of calm.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:51 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I spoke too soon, about the bad week being over.

Friday afternoon, and as I pulled into the mall parking lot Bear started to complain about tingling poking feelings in his legs. Next thing we knew, we were hustling out of Lowes with a son with red cheeks and glassy eyes.

His fever has hit 104 several times and his only other symptom was sleepiness and a headache. We started grappling with the fear that something might really be wrong.

The on-call doctor said if his fever didn't break then we needed to bring him into the hospital - possibly for a spinal tap to rule out Meningitis. At the last minute, his skin grew slightly cooler. Within the hour, his temp had dropped a few degrees and he was looking like his old self.

Reprieve.

But then last night the scary heat came back.

I won the coin toss, so I stayed home with him today. CD is at work, half asleep on his keyboard. I'm not much better, but the only one relying on me is Bear. Who has had a tall glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice and some Motrin and is actually playing right now in a (you guessed it) nest on my bed.

In a couple of hours, we're heading over to the doctor's. The NEW doctor.

Trial by fire.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:39 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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It's been a tough week - the low point being last Friday, when Bear's pediatrician called him 'obese'. For the record? She wasn't looking at him at the time, she was looking at something called a "BMI Chart". A tool she had not explained to us; with flaws she did not discuss. Which, on top of everything else, she used improperly.

First we dealt with the fallout to Bear (he was actually very reasonable in accepting that the doctor wanted to make sure he ate the right foods. He is pretty confident in his choices, but agreed that we could cut down the french fries.)

Then we dealt with our personal fallout. I can't speak for CD, but what kept me churning was that I had known she was wrong, but didn't do anything to stop her.

My regret is that I should have stopped her, you know? I should have interrupted her bad self and gotten my son out of there. I should have scrawled "Respect" on a sign and jumped up on the reception desk, holding it aloft.

I am ashamed of myself for not fighting back in the moment.

And?

I am ashamed of her.

Today I wrote a letter, explaining to her and to all the doctors in her practice why we will no longer be using their services. I mentioned that we were discussing it - me and the parents of the 22 other children at Bear's party - and discovered that lo! and behold! there were two other parents that had quit the same practice for similar reasons. And one other parent who was using the practice but got recommendations for another one based on our conversation.

I said that a doctor of children has a special responsibility to see children as individuals. To model and teach them respect for themselves, and pride in good health - which is not a number but a state of being.

I said that my son was not a pig at the fair to be weighed, measured and talked over. And that if a practice of doctors dedicated to children thought that was acceptable, then I would challenge each and every one of them to look deep in their hearts about their choice of profession.

Before they went bankrupt.

Or worse, did more damage to the patients in their care.

All that's left now, is to find a stamp.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:58 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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1 *begin gush* You are my hero. Seriously. I'm thrilled that you wrote that letter, that you stood up for yourself, that you let them know that they were bullies, that they should not have even had that conversation with Bear in the room. Sometimes, I want to be just like you when I grow up. Hero. Really. Bear is a very lucky young man. *end gush*

Posted by: RP at September 23, 2005 07:40 AM (LlPKh)

2 there is still something very satisfying in the day of email and voice mail to write a good ol' fashioned "YOU SUCK" letter. Way to go.

Posted by: amy at September 23, 2005 08:59 AM (OeHNk)

3 Amen. And Bravo.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at September 23, 2005 09:25 AM (UquFN)

4 You rock, Elizabeth. The only thing I would add about what you said is that that doctor is already bankrupt - just not financially (yet).

Posted by: ElizabethN at September 23, 2005 09:29 AM (ERU18)

5 BRAVO!!! (sending stamp thru snail mail)

Posted by: Cathy at September 23, 2005 10:20 AM (NaWoX)

6 Oh, good for you. It feels good to stick up for yourself in such a reasonable, intelligent, assertive way so that the offending party has no choice but to listen and, hopefully, feel something. And knowing that because of your letter, they might think twice next time. And it sounds like you did excellent damage control with Bear (who's adorable, btw).

Posted by: Hip Mama at September 23, 2005 12:15 PM (jZAhe)

7 Stamp, schmamp. I'd march right in that office and shove it in that broad's . . . Stethoscope. And that, my dear, was a joke. I second all that RP said.

Posted by: Margi at September 23, 2005 01:45 PM (nwEQH)

8 Yea, you! You should be really proud of yourself for putting it in writing and standing up to her. It's a hard thing to do, but you did the right thing. There are way too many good doctors out there to waste another day or cent on one that makes you feel that way.

Posted by: E at September 24, 2005 11:35 AM (Knn1n)

9 you go girl! good for you for sending the letter.

Posted by: nina at September 25, 2005 04:18 AM (46qhZ)

10 Don't berate yourself for not saying enough when you were in the doctor's office. It's hard to come up with something intelligent to say when your child is being attacked. You did the right thing by talking to Bear about it, and then firing the pediatrician and writing a well thought out letter as to why their practice should rethink their philosophy. Be proud of yourself for that.

Posted by: Carolyn at September 25, 2005 05:22 AM (UhKYm)

11 Its probably better that you waited to write the letter because now you're calm and composed and can raise some valid points. I think you did it the right way!

Posted by: Rhonda at September 25, 2005 09:24 AM (+bhNy)

12 Good for you! I wrote a similar letter when I was pregnant with #6, and the ped who had seen all of my other kids since birth had the nerve to laugh at me and send me home with a prescription for The Hubster to have a vasectomy. He also handed me an advair diskus - for asthma for one of my kids - and said it looked like birth control, but I wouldn't know since I didn't use it. Whoops. Not all about me, sorry. Bear is super lucky to have a mom like you in his corner.

Posted by: Carmen at September 25, 2005 12:43 PM (be9Aa)

13 I'm sorry to hear about the pediatrician visit. Yikes, that is just mean. Sometimes doctors are the worst about ignoring what is right in fron to them and going with what "the book" (or the BMI chart) says.

Posted by: Krisco at September 25, 2005 08:29 PM (W05sI)

14 I am astounded. Given that obesity is a genuine health risk, and an undeniable social reality - surely a doctor should be able to recognize who is and who ain't obese?? I've worked with children all my life, and those pictures you posted tell me this child is in no way obese. Not even close. I'm not even sure I'd call him chunky. And a pot belly? ALL kids have a pot belly, which they'll lose by the time they're 5 - 7. And who uses a BMI on children?? It's ridiculous! My aunt is obese, in fact "morbidly obese" is the charming term, but her four sons, now young adults, have always been active and of healthy weight. Because she did all the things you are doing with Bear, and for which you should be receiving credit. Good for you for writing that letter. Not only was she rude and insensitive, she's using questionable diagnostic methods - and that makes one wonder about her basic competence. Oh, but I'm steamed!

Posted by: Mary at September 26, 2005 01:57 AM (fsliW)

15 I am glad you wrote that letter. If you need a stamp I can bring one over.

Posted by: laura at September 27, 2005 05:27 PM (3cOz+)

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Since his older friends are begining to lose their teeth, Bear has a lot of questions.

Today I dug up this old picture of me (and my brother) and showed him how even his mommy lost her baby teeth, once upon a time.

(See, Bear? Nothing to be afraid of. See how I have a lost tooth in the picture but look at my mouth now... it grew in!)

Bear looked at the picture.

Then at me.

Bear: Is this really you?

Me: Yes, Bear, of course.

Bear: Wow. You got WAY more older. I mean, way way way way way...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:39 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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It was on a day like this, 5 years ago, that we stood on the street before the big blue house and knew we had found home. (The peeling paint and upturned grocery cart in the yard notwithstanding).... more...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:44 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 wow. I know that buying a new house takes a certain amount of courage. Our first house was a "YES! This will be our home!" and it was for several years. Then we moved across the street. A few more years later we up & moved out of the neighborhood. I wasn't totally sold on the whole suburban neighborhood thing, but it turned out to be a good thing. Yours will be, too.

Posted by: kalisah at September 21, 2005 09:01 AM (6pzhF)

2 Congratulations! I remember the incredible stress relief when we "pulled the trigger" and made the decision ourselves. This will be such an exciting time for you - picking out your new kitchen counters, living room flooring, etc. And it will all be what YOU want. Sure, it will be work (what isn't?) but in the end, you'll be in a better spot and happy knowing that you did something about it. Cows & geese sound GREAT!

Posted by: jill at September 21, 2005 09:19 AM (mPnaW)

3 how exciting! we're probably going to be doing the same in about two years. i'll be looking forward to reading about you decorating your new house.

Posted by: lani at September 21, 2005 11:27 AM (d/TO1)

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I remember the first time he tried CD's infamous ketchup spaghetti. I was sure Bear had more sophistication, even at 9 months old, than to like it.

I was terribly, terribly wrong.

Turns out, like his father, he thinks ketchup is a food group.

I never thought I would forget that day. When he grabbed chopped-up strands of pasta with two chubby, fumbling hands and shoved the food in the general direction of his mouth.

Oh! We exclaimed. The coordination! The concentration! Our boy, he is a genius!

See the way he gets almost some of it in that mouth?

And about the 3rd helping, we cut him off. Wondering what so much of a new food would do to his immature system. He tried screaming, shouting, and grabbing. And then he sadly realized that there would be no more.

Seems like yesterday.

It is going too fast, Bear's childhood.

Sunday was his first big-boy birthday party. He'd picked a local children's gym and invited everyone I would let him invite.

It was a great party.

A party attended by kids of all shapes, colors, genders, and sizes.

Differences that are, to Bear, nothing. Because my son doesn't know there is a world that says otherwise. (And idealistically, I wish he never does)

All he saw were friends.

My son is 5. And he is amazing.

He jumped, and balanced, and climbed with the rest of the kids. He was a copper-haired blur, laughing and stretching and running. He climbed up onto the edge of the ball pit, and dove in - fearless and giggling.

He radiated joy.

And I realized, in this moment, the world he knows is fair and just. People in trouble are helped. People in danger are protected. People hurt are all given the best healing available. And bad guys wear distinctive clothing so you know which ones they are.

In this moment, littering is a serious crime.

In this moment, my son loves everything about himself. His parts and his thoughts delight him. His own opinion of himself is strong and confident and happy. He shows and expects respect.

In this moment, my son has faith in Santa Claus and the Yule Elves. He is entranced by fireflies and rainbows and hermit crabs. He dances whenever there is music. He sings whenever he knows the words. His mistakes leave no scars only lessons.

And at one point he came running out of the gym to get himself some water. As he gulped, he leaned against me.

And I held firm in my spot, to support him.

He knew I would. He counted on me to.

Because I am Mommy.

And then he ran off again.

I guess i have been obsessing on what the doctor said last Friday, and that I have somehow put my son's health at risk. Because Dee walked up and wrapped her arm around me and whispered in my ear to look around. To register that Bear looked just like the rest of his friends. To accept, once and for all, that my mother's compass knows True North and it is OK to tell even an upscale doctor that they are full of it.

I nodded, and wiped away the tears.

"Elizabeth, look around," she urged. "See Bear? See him? See how healthy, and happy he is? See his world? See this moment?"

And as embaressed as I was to be weeping up at my son's big boy party... I understood.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:48 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 precious.

Posted by: lani at September 20, 2005 01:34 PM (d/TO1)

2 Lovely, lovely, lovely. HAPPY BIRTHDAY you perfect little Bear! Screw the doctor. He's just perfect.

Posted by: RP at September 20, 2005 01:41 PM (fWrQ6)

3 huh. Wait til he gets invited to his first boy/girl with dancing and a DJ party. That'll make you cry. In a different way. More in the "no no no he absolutely cannot be turning into a teenager" kind of way.

Posted by: kalisah at September 20, 2005 02:49 PM (C7RFb)

4 What IS with the ketchup and noodles? Lovely Wife is a fantastic cook but these varmints prefer boxed mac and cheese or those dreaded ketchup noodles. It seems to be a universal kid thing too as I've heard the same from multiple sources. Is there a ketchup gene in the human body that gets suppressed at puberty?

Posted by: Jim at September 20, 2005 10:45 PM (oqu5j)

5 Now I'm a teary mess! Elizabeth...you continually make me think and ponder my own life with my kids. The way you describe Bear and his life and how much in awe you are of him growing up. It make me reflect and relish in my own children's "moments". Thanks for making me SEE yet once again!

Posted by: Grace at September 20, 2005 11:57 PM (L058b)

6 Happy Birthday, Bear! Around here we go through ketchup like a house on fire.

Posted by: christina at September 21, 2005 02:06 AM (CtoSP)

7 You have a wonderful son & a great friend - you know that means that you're a wonderful mother and a great friend too. That ketchup thing seems so very...wrong, even to my german/scandanavian tastebuds.

Posted by: cursingmama at September 21, 2005 04:58 AM (PoQfr)

8 It could be that I am just partial to little red-haired boys, but I think the child in the chair with the ketchup is one of the cutest creatures ever! Dee is a great friend, and very wise! Listen to her!

Posted by: Tammy at September 21, 2005 03:11 PM (M++hX)

9 That was just a beautiful post...made me tear up and you are right on target. he's happy. He's healthy. All is well in his five year old world. What could be more important than that?

Posted by: e at September 21, 2005 03:15 PM (Knn1n)

10 :: says nothing because she's sobbing :: Bear's wonderful. You're wonderful. Don't change a thing.

Posted by: Margi at September 23, 2005 03:51 AM (nwEQH)

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Crappy week just took a nosedive. One of my favorite bloggers was in town, and I missed meeting him (argh!) because, you know, it was one thing and then another. And then it was Bear's 5-year checkup at the swanky, prestigious, downtown pediatricians' practice that we still use even though we moved out of the city 4 years ago.

Before I talk about what happened, I want to share my son with you. These are two pictures of him, taken in the last couple of months. One helping his dad, CD, push a lawnmower while wearing his special superhero helmet. Another pretending to be a jet plane in crazy game of tag with a bunch of friends at a park.


This gorgeous redhead? Is Bear.

So the pediatrician does all the normal things at first: height, weight, blood pressure, and a solid inventory of parts. She scolds us because Bear can not recite his full name, address, and phone number on demand - most of which he knows but he was acting a little frozen.

Then she sat down and began talking about food choices. We explained that Bear was a picky eater and, in fact, we supplement his meals with a vitamin drink as was recommended to us a couple of years ago. (Bear chimed in with his favorite foods - carrots, apples with peanut butter, watermelon, pasta, meatballs, french fries, lingonberry jam (yes, he's Scandavian), pancakes and sausage, and grapes).

She sighed, and, ignoring Bear's list, pushed us about how we feed Bear. She wanted to know about the fats we give him, the sugars, and the starches. She gave me a fake smile and asked about the amount of butter we used on Bear's bagel - and Bear explained he hated butter and ate bagels plain.

We could all tell something was wrong, and grew tense.

Then she started talking about how Bear had gained more weight last year than he had grown in height. I looked at her, confused. She looked me up and down. And then she told me that we needed to stop making irresponsible choices for Bear. That annual BMI (Body Mass Indicators) tracking is now recommended by American Academy of Pediatrics. And that it was showing scientifically the undisputed fact that Bear's BMI number is (I just had to double-check) 16.7, which is 80% and thus Bear is obese.

CD and I gave each other a confused look, and then CD took Bear out of the room.

I babbled that I didn't understand. That Bear is extremely active, wears normal sizes, and that except for a little pudge on his tummy that goes away at each growth burst and big chipmunk cheeks (which are a genetic trait in my family) - he is, (in my completely objective opinion) ... perfect.

She gave me a stern look.

I tried to rise above the dread like a rock chafing my guts.

I explained that we had carefully avoided making food a battle ground, that we let him not only have input into his meals but also a responsibility in helping prepare them. That we severely limit convenience foods except on rare occasions. That we still use a small salad plate for him, so his portions are the right size. That he looks the same now, in proportions, as he has since he was 2 - and the same as most of the kids in his class.

I was babbling, and finally she interrupted me.

It was clear she felt that I had nothing valuable to say - I am overweight and I would, OBVIOUSLY, make my child overweight unless she stepped in and managed the situation. (And while we're making me the demonic pusher of fat, let's also ignore my tall, healthy husband and his influence completely).

The doctor then explained that she was prescribing a low-carb diet for Bear (for a 5 year old!) and wanted him back in her office in 3 months to make sure he had either stopped gaining or was losing weight.

On the way home, I wondered if I was just upset because I didn't like what the doctor had to say to the point that I might be rejecting a very important diagnosis. So in the car home, I called two family doctors and a noted child psychologist - all of whom know Bear.

They each consoled me that my son is in perfect health. That BMI's on children - especially as young as 5 years old - are flawed at best and that a respected panel had said so just a few months ago.

They pointed out that Bear is active, strong, healthy, has a stable body type, good eating habits, and emphatically re-iterated to me that he is NOT obese.

That there IS an alarming trend of overweight children in America who forge poor habits at a young age and then have to struggle with lifelong issues. But that Bear is FINE - in fact, the rosy picture that pediatricians should be striving for - no issues one way or another.

(Me? I was a perfectly active, healthy, and small kid. Got my bad habits the old-fashioned way. In college.)

I heard what they were saying, and it echoed what both CD and I feel in our gut. But it didn't stop me from crying, and hanging on to CD, and asking him if I'd been a bad mother for not pushing more steamed fish on Bear.

That pediatrician is SO fired. How could someone say these things? How? WHat gave her the right to be.... like that???? I mean, isn't my child supposed to be more individual than the current hysterical trend????

Excuse me, I am still so upset I want to scream.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 06:49 PM | Comments (31) | Add Comment
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1 Oh FUCK her. You know how incredibly unprofessional it was for her to have that conversation in front of your son. And to be so condescending. It's easy for me to say so, but I (hope) would have told her tersely and to the point exactly what I thought and that I was never coming back and looking into filing some type of complaint with the State or whomever if possible.

Posted by: Robin at September 16, 2005 07:08 PM (4iJ3P)

2 Ah, that sucks, I'm sorry. These "fads" make me really nervous. Like when women were only allowed to gain, like, 7 pounds during their whole pregnancy and encouraged to *smoke* to curb their appetite. We tend to put so much faith in what our doctors say, even when they are frighteningly wrong. If it feels wrong, what she said, I'd go with that feeling and change doctors.

Posted by: Hip Mama at September 17, 2005 03:32 AM (1O/V7)

3 Get a new doctor. Now. And write a letter of complaint and file it with the state medical licensing board. Seriously. She's WAY out of line. And read this...http://www.nutri.info/

Posted by: Cheryl at September 17, 2005 04:11 AM (xz8OC)

4 Just reading this made me mad! How dare she say those things to you. That's just awful and I'm so sorry that this had to come at a time when you were feeling down. In my totally non-expert opinion and simply based on the pictures you shared, Bear is NOT obese. I can't even believe she'd use that term. Appalling. That's great that you had other experts to talk to so that you aren't questioning your own sanity here.

Posted by: Jessica at September 17, 2005 05:43 AM (2YSi/)

5 Low carb for ANYONE is silly-for a five year old, I would consider it child abuse. You are a better woman than me. I'd have told her what I thought in very plain terms before I left her office. And not quietly either. ;-)

Posted by: konolia at September 17, 2005 06:52 AM (l4n1a)

6 Alarmist doctors are only good for raising your blood pressure. The worst thing you can do is make Bear self-conscious about his appearance and his eating habits. She was really, really wrong to have that conversation in front of him. I think our society needs to become more accepting of different body types. Not everyone is going to be stick-straight and model-thin, no matter what they eat. As long as Bear is healthy and comfortable in his own skin, I'd let him be.

Posted by: notdonnareed at September 17, 2005 07:04 AM (RFcQ+)

7 this is the most infuriating entry ever. that child is not overweight! i can relate because that happened to PD (my oldest) at her last check-up. the idiot doctor just told her point blank that she was overweight. i was livid. my daughter cried all the way home. she's had a weight complex ever since and she's only twelve. are you going to lodge a complaint against this asshat?

Posted by: lani at September 17, 2005 07:10 AM (d/TO1)

8 P.S. I'm not sure it's possible to extrapolate Bear's future physique at this point. I was always the tallest kid in my class, until age 12, when I totally stopped growing. If you had seen me at age 5, you'd probably think I'd end up being tall, but I'm only 5'6". My husband was just the opposite. He was always average-to-short as a child, but now he's 6'2". It sounds like you're doing a great job with the food choices. Try not to worry about it. :-)

Posted by: notdonnareed at September 17, 2005 07:10 AM (RFcQ+)

9 OMG - I am angry on your behalf! That is ludicrous!!! I have a 3 1/2 year old who is hovering on 50 pounds. She's big. She's also my fourth and the older ones were all so tiny, skinny, slight. This one... god, I love every inch of her and at the same time I'm scared. But I refuse to make food a battle ground and I refuse to put her on a 'diet' and I am darn glad my ped hasn't said anything other than how healthy and perfect she is. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this. Unbelievable. I'm incredulous.

Posted by: JustLinda at September 17, 2005 08:04 AM (vv14b)

10 I don't have any children yet, so my opinion is probably "disposible." The number of children developing diabetes in America is staggering. It's due to our eating habits as well as our lack of physical fitness. Your MD was reacting to the Scientific Problem: Faster growth in weight over height and she was apparently alarmed. She, like many MDs, didn't use sensitivity or tact. So, my advice is to find a different doctor who you are comfortable with, but one that will continue to alert you to potential problems. As horrific acting as this MD may have been, perhaps it's worth making a few minor adjustments to slow down the weight increase until he sprouts up a bit more. And pleeze, no hate mail from anyone on this! The doctor was following the numbers and she's obviously concerned, albeit harsh.

Posted by: Jill at September 17, 2005 09:58 AM (mPnaW)

11 Jill, First of all, the numbers are flawed. But I won't get started on that, OK? Just to say that the accepted "Obesity Risk" percentage starts at 85% and Bear's is less than that. (Thanks, Cheryl, for the links so I could find that out!) Yes, too many children are at risk in this country for weight-related illnesses like diabetes. I am absolutely NOT sticking my head in the sand, OK? But hysteria is NOT the answer. Neither is slapping a LABEL on my kid!!! The doctor put "Nutritional Concerns" as a diagnosis on his 5-year checkup. This is in his permanent records, and IT IS A LIE. He IS very healthy and EATS very healthy. He makes great food choices. We shop together - often right from a farmstand. Fruits and vegetables and proteins are balanced with the starches. He does not drink soda or juice boxes or punch. Children are recommended to gain 4-7 pounds and 1-4 inches a year, and Bear's growth was just about 7 pounds and 3 inches. His body is beautifully shaped, and always has been. I sometimes wince when he and his dad tickle because after a growth spurt the limbs are thin and seem so fragile to me. And trust me when I say (as I said to her) if he has a little tummy this month, it will be gone in a growth spurt next month. It is how he has always developed. Most importantly, when he looks in the mirror, he likes his body and all its parts. Bear likes to move, and is very active. This pediatrician has only seen Bear twice, and what made us quit the entire practice was not only her alarmist behavior and failure to look up from her numbers and SEE Bear, it was also the UTTER disrespect with which she treated my son - who was sitting RIGHT THERE and listening. And if this little scene with the idiot lady in the white coat plants a seed of bad body image in him or starts doubt in that great body image and bounding confidence that we have worked so hard to instill, then by all that is Holy - there is no measure to the hell I will bring to her life. Children, kids, BELIEVE the grown-ups. They have no way to discount the information adults say. Whatever this doctor's intentions, she was WRONG in her actions. She failed her primary responsibility to Bear - by doing more harm than good.

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 17, 2005 10:52 AM (3mKDY)

12 I wouldn't just fire her...I'd report her. There's something seriously fucked up here. Your son is so obviously NOT obese.

Posted by: kalisah at September 17, 2005 04:16 PM (C7RFb)

13 Elizabeth, just for clarification's sake: I don't think Bear is obese, I think the MD made a horrible error in judgement by discussing this in front of him, and I think you should fire her. My only point was that the MD was being a Scientist and reacting to Bear's weight gain vs height growth trend...which is something you may want to watch.

Posted by: Jill at September 17, 2005 05:48 PM (mPnaW)

14 Your title said it all. Perfect! Check out the archives at http://www.bigfatblog.com/ for more support on this issue. Sounds like this MD is an eating-disorder generator.

Posted by: Nancy Toby at September 18, 2005 03:01 AM (hXUyH)

15 You are right on. With parents like you, Bear's confidence will be just fine. That doctor is nuts. One look at Bear tells me he is not obese.

Posted by: Rhonda at September 18, 2005 06:28 AM (lVkXV)

16 Anyone actually LOOKING at Bear can see he's not obese, that he is in fact fit and lean. She obviously wasn't looking (or listening. To you or Bear) If you follow her recommendations he will be underweight and possibly undernourished. Even if Bear did have a weight problem, she handled it in an indelicate and unhelpful way. Does she say the same thing about every kid to scare their parents into feeding them less? Does she think her tactics are actually helping reduce child obesity? Shall we follow up the child obesity epidemic with an anorexia/bulimia epidemic? What about the happy medium? Good for you for following up with other doctors, and for following your own better judgement.

Posted by: Laura at September 18, 2005 05:31 PM (3cOz+)

17 OMG... i would have ripped into that doctor like there was no tomorrow. A LOW CARB diet for a 5 year old? Was she smoking crack? And the BMI thing... yes .. it's all good that soooome doctors are on the look out for the welfare of our child but you are a damn good parent (hubby included) when it comes to raising Bear and helping him make good choices. She gets a small peak at him once a year and all of a sudden she's the expert on your flesh and blood. As an smart parent you usually can tell when you should be alarmed about something with your kids. My oldest son has always hoovered at the top of the charts for height and weight and hangs around 60%BMI. My middle daughter is slightly pudgy in the belly and hips(runs in the family)and hoovers around 75% BMI because she's also short (again runs in the family, I'm only 4'11). My baby daugher is a peanut. In the 25%BMI. Under height and weight as a matter of fact. I HATE it when the doc's try to tell me what diets I should have my kids on. I refuse to beleive that depriving a child of essential carbs, fats, protiens, and occasional junk food is going to be better for them. Developmentally my kids are fine and like you said... I'm not going to make food a battle ground either. That's how people set there kids up for failure with food. By fighting about it. I'm sorry... I am so angered on your behalf as well. That doctor should be reported (as others have said) She is going to injury some innocent child when some parent takes her word for gold and does as she prescribes. I would have told her to take her low carb crap and shove it up her &%$#. Good luck and keep doing what you and hubby have been doing with Bear. He looks like an awesome kido!!!!

Posted by: nina at September 19, 2005 02:05 AM (46qhZ)

18 Okay, I think: (a) that that swanky doctor wants a new mercedes and wants you to pay for part of it (b) is obsessed with fat, and therefore thinks everyone else should be (c) is nuts -- just because you become a doctor doesn't make you sane (d) is all of the above!! Trust your instincts as you have. They will serve Bear better than any doctor EVER WILL! Hugs to you.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at September 19, 2005 03:54 AM (QhI+Z)

19 Elizabeth, that's just crap. Go with what you know in your gut. Then take him to a new pediatrician and fire off a nasty missive to the old one - carbon copying the AAP.

Posted by: Stacy at September 19, 2005 06:30 AM (Xq1+i)

20 That is just wrong on so many levels. I'm sure you will handle it with true Elizabeth style. Give her hell.

Posted by: B at September 19, 2005 06:44 AM (TQHLW)

21 Elizabeth, what an awful pediatrician! She would have driven me to tears also, no matter how ridiculous I might know in my heart that she is. Bear is SOOOOO NOT OBESE! I have seen obese children, we all have, and that is not what they look like. He is perfect. Find yourself a new pediatrician, mention what happened and tell them to never again discuss weight in front of Bear again! Lani's story scared me to death. Her poor daughter. That would have pushed me over the edge at 12! Hugs to you and Bear!

Posted by: halloweenlover at September 19, 2005 06:56 AM (cdEd4)

22 I think we have taken the BMI/obesity thing a bit too far. Yes, Americans are overweight, yes, we get too much sugar in our foods, etc. etc. but come, on! As my pediatrician says: "some kids are just bigger than others" (ahem, mine) and I believe this to be true in alot of cases. I work with an an attorney who works out almost daily, has a bowl of green apples in his office all the time, is 6'2" and was deemed "obese" by the nurse when given a health care screening. Yep, too far.

Posted by: Maria at September 19, 2005 07:45 AM (XrKvd)

23 Elizabeth, you KNOW he's fine. Look at him! My daughter grows the same way....out and then up. A low carb diet for a 5 year old?! Get real! The only problem I can see his the hair...that red hair is out of this world! Look at it, crackling and sparking off his head !

Posted by: Tammy at September 19, 2005 09:54 AM (M++hX)

24 I tend to echo Robin's precise and accurate exclamation. Do not fear about the "permanent record". Just get Bear's records from that doctor. You are entitled to them. Remove the five year checkup. There is nothing in there that matters, unless there was an actual indication of a problem. Give the remaining records to the new doctor.

Posted by: Jim at September 19, 2005 10:12 AM (tyQ8y)

25 There are way too many great doctors out there to waste another minute with one that you don't feel a connection to. One that clearly isn't listening to what you say and what, even more importantly, your bright five year old is saying. If she had shut her mouth and used her ears for a few minutes, she would have realized her advice was totally inappropriate. Hang in there and enjoy that beautiful healthy child.

Posted by: E at September 19, 2005 04:39 PM (Knn1n)

26 Ok...I guess this one touched a nerve with me because I want to add a bit more. I was, unlike Bear, at one point in my childhood, a bit overweight. My mom was back in school that year and we were all eating a few too many big macs. But I remember my mother's, and my doctor's, response to it. The tone was completely different than this doc. It was more like, hey, you're a beautiful kid, and you're healthy, but in order to stay healthy you need to eat a little differently. We'd like to see you lose x amount of pounds, but if you stay the way you are that's fine too, since you will be growing taller soon. This might be a good time to start taking walks and trying new excercise...and it might be fun! I remember being devastated by teasing from kids, but I felt encouraged and empowered by the adults around me. I lost 20 lbs and walked an average of 3 miles a day that summer. I remember a lot of things that doc told me...I remember being asked my favorite foods and being praised when tomatoes and carrots were at the top of the list. My point? Even if she felt it was important to monitor Bear's weight gain because according to some scale he should be gaining at a different rate, there's a way to make people feel like they are all on the same team. You may have still walked away disagreeing with her assessment, but you wouldn't be worried about Bear's body image, and feeling angry and terrible. By the way, just out of curiosity, what is her BMI?

Posted by: laura at September 19, 2005 06:02 PM (3cOz+)

27 According to BMI Arnold S. is obese. We should all be so obese.

Posted by: Locomotive Breath at September 20, 2005 10:02 AM (W7Snj)

28 When we took M in recently for what we thought to be strep throat, we were alerted that his weight was off the charts for his age. We were also alerted that he was too tall for his age as well. The child is 3.5 and weighs 43 lbs. (not an inch of fat on him) and is 43 inches tall. He wears a size 11 shoe and I just spent $200 on clothes for him because he went from a 3T to a size 5 (yes a boy's size 5) in the course of a month it seemed. The kid might as well have been starting pre-K this year. My doctor did tell his he was overweight for his age, but due to his height and the height and body frame of his family members, he was not overweight. My husband & I are both overweight, but our BMI is not as much as the "charts" say it is because we are (1) large frames, (2) tall, and (3) more muscular than the charts take into account. I would be looking for a new doctor and filing a complaint with the State Licensing Board if I were you. And don't feel too bad about the name and other milestones. We got scolded because M didn't know how to draw a stick person. Well honestly, my doctor just kept going until she found one thing he couldn't do. Why can't we just let kids be kids, KWIM? Things were hard enough when we were growing up and now they expect them to be able to read and do math before they enter school. *shaking head*

Posted by: Christina at September 20, 2005 03:30 PM (cEWZP)

29 that is insane... I'm glad you fired her.

Posted by: cmhl at September 23, 2005 03:33 AM (W9UXV)

30 what robin said. my brain is throwing sparks just THINKING about what i would have done. i definitely would have blogged the hell out of the story WITH the doctor's name. alternatively you could make a judysbook.com review of the stunning care you received. (this is not spam, it's a word-of-mouth website with which i have no affillation whatsoever where i found some docs, restaurants, stores, and so on to avoid/check out in my area - but it's nat'l). i would like to get a peek at that letter though. sorry you had to even go through this. bravo to you for drawing the line.

Posted by: bitemycookie at September 24, 2005 04:46 AM (Im1Px)

31 Oh God, I just had a flashback to my OB/GYN for my third baby -- he looked at my records and saw that I`d gained 50 pounds for each pregnancy (and lost it within a year each time). He told me I needed to eat ONLY MEAT AND VEGETABLES, no carbs or fruit! And he topped it off by saying, "Your husband will thank me for this." I would have fired him, but we were in Japan and I needed a c-section, and this guy was good at epidurals, so I put up with him for 9 months.

Posted by: L. at September 24, 2005 06:32 AM (Iilec)

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Confession time.

I feel so DUMB at getting upset. OK, so someone said I acted superior. No big, right?

But I can't begin to tell you, it's just been - you know - a crappy week. And the truth is, that sometimes? I do feel like an ogre. A big, horrible, ogre who snaps at her son when he dawdles and who loses patience with the insanity of some of my team. Like I AM the scary woman who people avoid.

I catch a glimpse of myself in a window and remember being pretty and young and sweet and now, well, sometimes I see... old reflected back at me. Old but not wise. Just cold and unattractive and unlikable.

Which is probably why I am so overwhelmed, in a Sally Field way, that you've been so kind to me and said nice things. Like maybe they were left at the wrong blog, because really....

Uh, I have to change the subject or something, before I end up crying under the covers.....

SO. Um. Anyway.

About that poll! Where I asked the people of the internet, the kooky wonderful people who read HERE of all things, to vote where our family should move? And people got into the fun of it (yay for people!) and really voted. Which was actually pretty cool for CD and me, because we are at the crossroads with a blank slate and looking for a sign...

And the people said, (no contest!); PARIS. (The good kind. Not the skinny self-promoting, carrying a dog in my purse kind. Wait. Uh. You know what I mean.)

So, off we are going. Yes, to Paris. For my birthday, for 5 days in November.

And in second place? The people said, again loudly; DENVER OR THE TWIN CITIES.

And so, we are looking Denver and the Twin Cities. We figure it will take some time - a couple of years, about - to settle somewhere new. Scouting trips. And CD has to finish cross-training in a specialization of his IT career (find a way to let me be a SAHM!) - training his current company is sponsoring.

Meanwhile, though, we need an interim solution. Because I just can't stay in this house much longer. A place we can live for a year (ish)... and we've come up with two options (because there are two good Montessori schools)....

North, is pretty lake country near Wisconsin. Where we can get a house for less than we could sell this one for. In a tiny one-intersection town with a New England-like church steeple and antique shops. It would be a good house, with room enough and a kitchen that works, but it won't resell for much more than we buy it. Then again, the backyard would be a pond with ducks.

West, is prairie and a small (but booming fast) town with a water park and apple orchards and acres of corn dotted by red barns. It is an "executive" house to be built in a brand new development, that will stretch us to buy in the near term but will sell quickly once we figure out where we are going from here. And for a healthy profit.

We have to decide in the next 2 weeks because after that, the prices for all models in that development will be taking a jump... up, up, and out of our comfort zone.

Oh - and a story. The Catholic Church, some years ago, rented a bunch of billboards that said "If you are looking for a sign from God - this is IT. Consider the Priesthood." So I called a priest I used to work with and told him about the stir these things were causing.

He asked me what the billboards said, so I repeated the slogan. "You realize, of course," he laughed, "that they don't mean YOU."

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:30 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 651 words, total size 4 kb.

... This made me feel bad. I mean - it was SUCH a nice mention, and I was all "wow, how incredibly nice!" and then, wham! Comment. And now I'm all doubting myself. So, please, tell me the truth; do I really undermine people's self-confidence? Really?

Posted by: Elizabeth at 08:11 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 Um... what? I don't see any way in the world that the stuff you post could affect any body else's self confidence. Sounds like a bit of transfer/avoidance to me.

Posted by: Jim at September 15, 2005 08:35 AM (tyQ8y)

2 You have a job title that I won't be able to ever get and a life that I won't ever be able to attain but that doesn't mean that you affect my self confidence. I would say - that you can't take other people's insecurities personally. That comment was about her not about you.

Posted by: suz at September 15, 2005 08:56 AM (GhfSh)

3 I love your blog, read it regularly and am a fellow corporate mommy. The Poster has issues with herself and her feelings (that was obvious by her post) Don't let her post get you down. You are fabulous and so is your Blog! Cheers,

Posted by: Kellie at September 15, 2005 09:11 AM (+iQbv)

4 No way you undermine anyone's self-confidence!! It is about her and not about you. Please give yourself a big hug!!

Posted by: Azalea at September 15, 2005 09:34 AM (hRxUm)

5 I'm a lurker, but I found that comment interesting and wonder if maybe she confused you with another blog she reads. One of the things I like about you is that you are not your job, you make that clear, and your writing brings out the commonalities you have with other moms, rather than really focusing on what is a corprate job that I , as a 17 year SAHM am not likely to ever have. Our lives could probably not be more different, but you can still inspire a feeling of kinship.

Posted by: rose at September 15, 2005 10:15 AM (M7kiy)

6 Wha'fuck? No way, dude...

Posted by: Stacy at September 15, 2005 10:36 AM (Xq1+i)

7 Not to sound bitchy myself, but the only way I see you undermining someone's self confidence is if they didn't have much to begin with. I read your blog as a honest portrayal of a woman trying to cope with working FT, raising a child and balancing that with the rest of life.

Posted by: A.K. at September 15, 2005 10:37 AM (MuI3T)

8 Of course not! Maybe she sees in you things that she would like to see in herself but aren't there, and that makes her jealous. It's about her, not you. I do get jealous of your writing talent sometimes. But in a good way, more admiring than jealous!

Posted by: Kris at September 15, 2005 11:44 AM (DBkkT)

9 Don't take her stuff personally. She stated that like you were aware of her readership and pointedly wrote things you just knew would bother her! Please... I'm here every day because I love your writing and enjoy your candid and frank voice. You don't hide who you are. I totally relate to your challenges in the corporate world, the emotional war between career and motherhood, and the struggle to but your health/well being above all of that! I'd hate for someone's ill informed comment to change anything about your blog. After all, it is YOUR blog. She can find her self confidence where the rest of us do...in ourselves! Or therapy...whatever

Posted by: carrie at September 15, 2005 12:20 PM (5xhLm)

10 Truthfully, if I'd actually found you to be 'uppity' or the type of person who was condescending towards others, I'd have not blogrolled you. Because I know the young lady who made that comment personally (she's my best friend), I know that she didn't mean it the way that it sounded either. It's kind of been our own experience with certain types of bloggers that with their education, careers, and life experiences came the attitude that some of us were 'less than'. Or that we had nothing to offer as far as blogging and the sharing of our own lives and experiences. It's unfortunate, but yeah, even the internet has cliques and the 'cool kids'. It doesn't matter to me much because I have established relationships and great rapport with the few people who do read me, and that's what makes blogging fulfilling to me. As one of your commenters pointed out, it probably does have a lot to do with self-esteem or self-worth. I know that sometimes when I discover that a certain type of blogger is reading I'll think, "now what would I possibly have to write that SHE'D be interested in?" ANYWAY, I love your blog! I think that I came across you before because your layout looks awfully familiar.

Posted by: lani at September 15, 2005 12:30 PM (d/TO1)

11 You do not seem like the type of person who would be bothered by this...blog on...your blog is better than a book from Amazon.com .... I would rather read about your personal toils than watch a DVD! Mommys across the planet wish they could vent like you do...you are the Mommy Blog of the world. We all await the next post....<: -)

Posted by: joli at September 15, 2005 01:47 PM (1DJTO)

12 what? that's insane. I have no idea what she's talking about.

Posted by: kalisah at September 15, 2005 01:56 PM (C7RFb)

13 I am so sorry my comment made you feel badly at all. I am also sorry that I made everyone so mad. It is about me and not you. I think you are a wonderful person, wife and mother. I am envious but not jealous. Sometimes being a Stay at Home Mom (or any Mom for that matter) is a thankless job and you want more. My ultimate dream was to be a Stay at Home Mom, but sometimes it'd be nice to have a life in the "grown up world." Honesly it was never my intent to make you feel bad. I didn't realize it would be taken the way it was, nor did I mean it that way. I hope you and your readers can understand my position. And again I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

Posted by: Wencharita at September 15, 2005 03:14 PM (YwdKL)

14 Wencharita, It's a funny thing but actually, I am pretty sensitive. Nobody can please all the people all the time - and certainly, when I write about my opinions like the Karl Rove/CIA informant scandal I get my share of slings and arrows - even from people who I have great affection for and admire greatly like Margi and RP felt compelled to make their (differeing) viewpoints known. But it just slayed me to think that there was someone out there who thought I was in anyway espousing one way of life over another, or placed myself as superior because of choices I have made. If you were to see me... well, let's just say that whatever "imposing" is? I am the opposite. Honestly, in sloppy hair and attitude - I am Bill Murray in Stripes. And if you were to know me, you would know that I believe that after love and free will, the lesson Jesus most clearly espoused was that of "look to your own life and let others tend to theirs" - which I tend to interpret as "live and let live" - an approach to tolerance and an attempt at global understanding that I fail at miserably, sure, but that I get up and try to attain every day. So that's where my skin is thinnest, and you happened to hit it hard. Thanks for commenting. That was a class act. I'm gonna go band-aid up my boo-boo.

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 15, 2005 04:10 PM (3mKDY)

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Bear got sad today, telling me how much he would miss the our "Big Blue House". He's listed the things he doesn't want to leave, and it's been just gutting me.

On the one hand, he is eager to go.

On the other, he clings to it all - because it is all he is ever known.

So tonight found me, sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I was frustrated, unable to find the cheese shredder. Because I have the worst kitchen in Illinois. The thing only has two cabinets, with narrow openings, and I can never lay my hands on anything without pulling out a pile of stuff. And it's just been a day, you know? A day. And I cheered myself up thinking about a new kitchen and being able to cook - really cook. And not race out to a restaurant at the least possible provocation.

Then I looked at my sad, forlorn son. Telling me how much he was going to miss the tree in our yard.

And now guilt is flowing through my veins.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 01:17 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 181 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Elizabeth, I think it's wonderful that you're raising such a emotionally aware little boy. That being said? He will get over it. It's awesome that he's in touch with his emotions. Ten years from now he'll barely remember. And you need to move, my dear. Your whole family needs it but you, especially, need it. And there is nothing wrong with having needs. Repeat that big to me in a few weeks, okay?

Posted by: Stacy at September 14, 2005 01:31 PM (JQLu/)

2 Hello: First time visitor and like your site. Change is difficult. My 79 year old CPA said he wants to write a book on something we all need. I asked him what that was? He said "Supportiveness". Do hang in and stop by to say "Hello"!

Posted by: MICHAEL MANNING at September 14, 2005 03:49 PM (MRsDC)

3 Don't feel guilty. You're actually doing a great thing for your family, and Bear needs to learn how to navigate change. My son has lived in four different houses in his four years, and he still remembers all of them. We talk about them, and we even drive by (well, we did before we moved out of state) so he could see them and understand that another family lives there now and loves it just as much as he did. Moving is traumatic, but you just have to help him find things in the new place that he really loves. It took my son about three weeks to fully accept the new house, and now he's very happy here. Change is good.

Posted by: notdonnareed at September 14, 2005 05:26 PM (RFcQ+)

4 While Bear may be sad about leaving your old house, he will also be excited about the new house, once you've found it. And the change in how you and CD feel once you've made the move will have a profound and positive impact on such a sensitive boy.

Posted by: Kimberly at September 14, 2005 05:40 PM (CXd4V)

5 Don't. Feel. Guilty. Bear is going to benefit in so many ways when you have mental peace. Two cabinets in a kitchen is a set-up for mayhem. When you find the new spot, I bet he loves it. Just like the current house.

Posted by: jill at September 14, 2005 05:50 PM (mPnaW)

6 One of our moves occurred when my son was three. He was excited by everything we explained to him: the new house, packing, the big truck... When the day came, he helped with vigour and enthusiasm. And then, he looked at the emptying house and faltered. It was suddenly overwhelming for a little boy to see his home being dismantled. We have a picture: an empty livingroom, save for one small, overturned box, from which a chubby hand protrudes through the handgrip hole... When we arrived at our new home, he was filled with delight and enthusiasm once again. He's sixteen now, and that picture still makes me smile.

Posted by: Mary at September 15, 2005 12:54 AM (fsliW)

7 we just moved and the kids (6,3) both handled it differently, funnily it lined up just like me an hubby. I like change and was excited the whole time, so was the 3yr old (my mini-me). Hubby was happy, but hates change and very anxious - 6yr old, whose just like hubby,started saying goodbye to the bathtub, it was like and f*d up version of goodnight moon but with goodbye. Goodbye shed, goodbye closet.... 2 months in the new house- they would NEVER go back. we purposely picked a neighborhood with a ton of kids and they love every last one of them. My advice, pick the next house (interior) for you and the neighborhood for the kids. Good luck, and PS - it's totally ok to cry, you've had a long road, and just seeing a light at the end of the tunnel can be overwhelming and really f*ing scary.

Posted by: amy at September 15, 2005 01:37 AM (4yJs2)

8 Bear will be o.k., Elizabeth. As the others have said, it is natural for him to be mournful about the move, but he will survive it. We moved our family from Illinois to Massachusetts two years ago, and while the change was hard, the kids love it here now. It's good for him to experience loss and change while he's young and you and CD are there to support and help him through it. This move is the right one for your family, and it will benefit Bear in the long -- and short -- term.

Posted by: Ruth at September 15, 2005 01:53 AM (ZkZtT)

9 there will be another tree in another yard that will be bigger and better for fort building and snowball fights. When you're at peace and happy he will feel this which makes the move more important than ever. I moved when I was young - and look at me, I'm semi-normal even. hehehe.

Posted by: Suz at September 15, 2005 02:49 AM (GhfSh)

10 Oh Elizabeth, I am just echoing everything everyone above said. My nephew moved at 3 and a half and had a hard time at first and it tore my SIL to shreds. She actually had someone else watch him while the movers came because she worried it would be too much for him. 2 weeks later and he was already talking about all his new friends and new house and how much he loves it there. Bear will be happy, although I can understand the overwhelmedness. hugs.

Posted by: halloweenlover at September 15, 2005 04:43 AM (cdEd4)

11 Oh, don't feel guilty about him loosing his only tree. Tell him his new house may have many trees -- more splendid and facinating. Dream with him! Lead him to better places. Get a book and explore trees with him -- fanticize about climbing in them, identifying them -- touching them! Don't be sad -- be happy for a new beginning.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at September 15, 2005 05:28 AM (QhI+Z)

12 I understand that moving from the only he's known is a pretty big thing. I had to get my daughter to think about all the new and exciting things we could discover together in our new place. But I'm sure Bear will do great once you get his room set up. He just needs his familiar things around him.

Posted by: Grace at September 15, 2005 06:23 AM (L058b)

13 Bear will okay, it'll be hard (it was hard on my kids at 11 & but in the end the excitement seems to outweigh the sadness. We took our kids with us house hunting, and we let them have a lot of input into the decorating of their rooms which helped a lot. Hope you're feeling better.

Posted by: cursingmama at September 15, 2005 06:49 AM (PoQfr)

14 Oh, poor Bear! He will be fine though, I am sure of it. Have question for all those super Moms out there, has anyone ever heard of the World's Fair for Kids? It is in Orlando this spring and I wanted to take mine, but needed some more info. Thanks!

Posted by: Caroline at September 15, 2005 08:37 AM (dnf79)

15 We moved from our own Big Blue House a year and a half ago - and yes, it was traumatic at the time, especially for my little one, who'd only ever known that one house (we moved when she was almost six.) But now, she has nothing but good memories from that house, and brings them up herself, no less, without an ounce of remorse. And it's now my job to make good memories with her in the new place...

Posted by: Betsy at September 15, 2005 12:14 PM (chwcp)

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We're curled up together. Let's guess who has most of the pillows.

He pokes his head through. "I see you!" he giggles.

"I see you, too," I giggle back. And then cough. Yesterday, I took down all the mismatched hardware in the dining room and spray painted it all copper - the curtain rods, the metal parts of the chandelier... One of the 68 bagazillion jobs we need to do before listing the house. And? I forgot to wear a mask so I breathed in too much of the paint and my nose and throat are sore.

Dummy me.

He sticks his head back up. Blue eyes concerned. "Are you ok, mommy?"

Cough. Cough. Coughcough. "Yes, fine."

He burrows again for a moment. "Is it mrf mrf?"

"Huh?"

Back comes the red head from the pile of pillows. "Is it Friday yet?"

"Nope, Wednesday."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Sigh. "I wanted it to be my big boy birthday day party."

"That's Sunday."

"How many days is that?"

"Four days."

"Four days! That's a lot. I thought you said two days."

"No, two days until Friday."

"Is that when we're going to look at more houses with Uncle Joe?"

"No. That's Saturday."

"And how many days is that."

"Three days."

"Three days! That's too many!"

Cough. Cough. Coughcoughcough. (Get up. Blow my nose. Gross myself out. Crawl back into bed.)

"Are you all right, Mommy?"

"Yes, Bear. It's almost time for you to get up and go to school."

"Will I have a new school soon?"

"No, honey. Remember? You are going to finish the whole school year at Happy Montessori."

"The whole year?"

"Yep."

"That's my whole life! I want to move to my new room right now."

"It does sound exciting, huh?"

(No response as he burrows.)

I sigh. Think about the day ahead of me. What needs doing at work. What needs doing in my house. Freak myself out. I sigh some more and stare at the wall.

A little hand sneaks out and tickles my foot. "Jack Jack Attack!" He yells from behind the safety of a pile of king-size pillows. He repeats it as a chant; "Jack Jack Attack! Jack Jack Attack! Jack Jack Attack! Jack Jack Attack! Jack Jack Attack! Jack Jack Attack!"

"Stop!" I beg.

Immediate silence.

"Bear?" (I poke the pile.)

Giggling erupts from the pillows, and squirming. Little face slowly emerges. "I see you!"

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:02 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Since my favorite Blue Sloth asked... a little ditty about how our days are going...

CD is working 7AM-3PM (ish) at his job in the suburbs and I am working now from around 7AM to 5:30 or 6PM here at home for Mega - my work equals around 8 or 9 hours, since I also get Bear up, run him to Montessori, pick him up, have lunch with him...

Elia is here M-Th from either 12 or 1-4PM. (Instead of 12-6PM before) She watches Bear, takes him up to the park, lets him doze in front of the TV (Arthur! Lives!) and then moves him into bed for his nap (yes, my 5 year old still naps). As she goes along, she usually does a load of dishes, straightens up, rotates laundry, folds Bear's clothes and puts them away... we've always had a rule that it is Bear first, everything else second, but since she fell in love she seems to be parking Bear in front of the TV more often and going down to the cellar to slowly fold laundry.

The truth is that I think she's burned out on taking care of Bear, although I know she loves him deeply. She wants to spend time with her boyfriend - at her house or at her brother's restaurant. I understand that, although Bear is upset because he can feel that he is no longer the only apple in Elia's eye...

Sometime between 3:30 and 4PM (depending on traffic), CD gets home and takes over being chief Bear wrangler and tickler of feet.

Bear and CD do manly things like mow the lawn, spackle the back room, play Rescue Heroes and 'Knights' (complete with their plastic swords and shields), run to Home Depot, wash the car, read Jack and Annie books, ride bikes, and cuddle with popcorn in front of KimPossible.

Ssomewhere between 5 and 6PM, I exit my office like a groundhog in February, blink a few times, and start dinner. By then Elia has left - she has really gone from being almost a full-time babysitter to being more of an afternoon mother's helper (or father's). So that means we are all doing more household stuff now, which is actually working out all right (I say with a wince).

I think they call it sequencing, this approach to child care, but all I know is that it is taking a lot of patience and flexibility. We'll see if the benefits are what we expect....

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:12 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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We made the decision recently to cut back the hours of Elia, our longtime babysitter.

CD changed his work schedule to 7AM-3PM, which means that I am now doing both drop-off (8:20AM) and pick-up (11:30AM) at Bear's Montessori (as well as picking up Elia on the way home).

That will reduce Elia's daily appearance from 6+ hours to 4 hours a day. Writing it down makes it seem like a lot of work for a little payback, but in addition to the monetary savings (about $350 a month) there is the flexibility for Bear's schedule (Elia doesn't drive, which means those afternoon playdates with his classmates were rarely something I could agree to) as well as the overall goal of lessening Bear's dependance on "MyElia", as he calls her.

Between her other job at her brother's restaurant and her new boyfriend, Elia readily agreed to the reduction of hours and offered to stay flexible if we needed it. So this morning began the new schedule...

At 6:30AM, CD carried Bear from his bed into our bed and set the alarm for 7:30AM. He kissed us both and headed out the door.

For the next hour, I found myself snuggled, climbed on, patted, and tickled as Bear enjoyed being in the "big bed" in the morning. (So much for sleep). At one point, I got up and visited the bathroom. As I stepped back into my bedroom, I saw that Bear had confiscated all the pillows, except one left for me. He'd built a fort for himself, his blue eyes peeking above the top.

I collapsed in laughter.

It has been a while since the Bear built a nest.... more...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:28 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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That choice on the poll was more a hint than a joke....we're going to Paris!

(No. Not forever. Alas.)

But just me and him, our first time away from Bear for more than 48 hours. Yes. We're going. For my birthday.

He says it is so, and I believe him. I need to.

For so long, we've teetered on the edge of falling apart. As my therapist said (the good one, not the pill guy I just fired) a relationship can not be so much for the benefit of only one person and remain whole.

It's not that I have martyred myself. I am not a victim. But I have made some bad choices. I put everything I had in a communal bucket, but it was taken out in unequal measures. And I allowed that. I allowed him to take, and I just kept giving.

And finally, it was enough. We were all sick with the unfairness and unhappiness that brought. So I drew the line some time back. It's been a battle for us to change our ways, but now, maybe, he's begun to see...

So we're going to Paris. And I will have new underwear.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:08 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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Soon enough, I will talk about how we went househunting and crunched numbers this weekend. How we celebrated the end of the summer. How a room finally got walls, and how fragile a trust can be. How we continued to wait on pins and needles. But now? Now is for something more important....

Because today is the anniversary of a miracle.

This is the story we tell every year on this day. You may remember it from last year. But of course, the telling changes a little as the years go by.... more...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:34 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 What a wonderful recital. :-)

Posted by: Jim at September 06, 2005 06:43 AM (tyQ8y)

2 I love this story. Happy birthday, Bear!

Posted by: RP at September 06, 2005 07:16 AM (LlPKh)

3 ooooooh. I want one real bad now. Weird how I read that seemingly scary and painful story and all I could think about was how bad I want to smell freshly washed baby hair. mmmmm.

Posted by: suz at September 06, 2005 09:08 AM (GhfSh)

4 Awww! What a wonderful story. With such a good ending! Hug your blessing for me today.

Posted by: Tammy at September 06, 2005 10:39 AM (M++hX)

5 Happy birthday Bear! What a wonderful story! He is a miracle!

Posted by: halloweenlover at September 06, 2005 11:52 AM (cdEd4)

6 That was beautiful. Made me think of when the Princess was born. Children are such miracles!

Posted by: Grace at September 06, 2005 04:58 PM (L058b)

7 That was very touching. What a wonderful tradition.

Posted by: JustLinda at September 07, 2005 08:02 AM (gJFD/)

8 What a beautiful story Happy Belated Birthday Bear!!

Posted by: Jules at September 10, 2005 02:29 PM (CK4zV)

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We are related to a bank. You know, on my husband's side - his sister's brother-in-law's cousin, 3 times removed? The one who always wears green awning and it does NOTHING to hide her hips? No? Oh, OK.

But, actually, through his new job. You know? And strange as this may sound, yes, we get an employee discount.

And we need it.

We refinanced around two years ago, in the Dark Times. I was slipping into panic, and left the nest of our bank and went through a broker. And all I have to say is - Be Ye Not So Stupid.

While we did maintain a 20% equity position, we paid WAY WAY WAY more than we should have in closing costs and percentage. Yes, thousands more. And our mortgage, which has been sold on average of every 6 months since, has become a source of shame to us. A reminder that we did it wrong.

So once CD got to his work anniversary, and eligible for this benefit - we pounced.

We have so many 'wants' - pay off the last of the debt, pull enough money out to rehab the kitchen and replace the roof, and lower the interest rate, and maintain at least a 30% equity position on the house which has, miraculously, continued to grow in value despite our broken lawnmower.

I want, so bad, for the last of the Dark Times to be gone, you know? This current mortgage, this Bad Deal, makes me nuts every month.

So I spent a lot of time repeating all this to CD, eleventybillion times, in a squeaky little high-strung voice. How he had to negotiate in whatever leeway they gave him. How he had to stand firm, and get in there and fight! fight! fight! for every possibly quarter-point and fee.

So off CD went to work, the precious paperwork under his arm, and walked it over to the guy who is in charge of employee mortgages. According to his faithful account, this is how the fiercely negotiated conversation went:

CD (handing over the paperwork): Dude.

Loan Guy (Looking the forms over and nodding): Dude.

CD (noting our current interest rate): Dude.

Loan Guy (pointing at the currently available interest rate): Dude.

CD (smiling, extending his hand): DUDE.

Loan Guy (shaking his hand): Duuuuude.

Well, we got a call yesterday. The Loan Guy says it looks good. We might get what we wanted.

The interest rate he's talking is about quarter-point higher than our fantasy interest rate (everyone has fantasy interest rates, right?) and the amount of money that will be available for rehab is a little less than we'd thought - mostly because we made a dufus error in calculating which I am too embarrassed to admit to.

We will probably find out today if the go is for-real.

And then it looks like Paris. And after that, Colorado. And may I just say that I am surprised at the poor showing of the Minnesotans? I mean, for all that talk - about the Lakes! the Diversity! Well, I'll keep voting open until Tuesday and see what happens....

Posted by: Elizabeth at 01:59 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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