Well, it's been 2 weeks on Lexapro.

On the plus side, I have decreased anxiety overall. Not a huge change, and I still feel sad and overwhelmed, but there is movement in my life. I've been able to make some decisions, and enjoy things a little better.

On the negative side, oh - the side effects! During the day, now I'm sleepy. But at night, still struggling with insomnia. I mean... c'mon!

And I've got acidy stomach, acidy gas, and I feel like I licked tin foil - nothing tastes right and I'm not hungry.

And scariest of all (look away, mom!) is that I'm anorgasmic. And can I just announce how unnacceptable THAT is?!?!

I have to touch base with superDoctor today with my opnion whether I want to stick with it or try something new. And I have no idea yet what I am going to say...

Edited to add: CD would like it noted for the record that "acidy gas" was a euphemism for stinky, heinous, unannounced farting. Of course, he's overlooking all the practical applications of these, like removing paint from the antique door we bought.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:26 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Word on the whole 'orgasm' thing. DAMN you, Prozac!

Posted by: Stacy at July 29, 2005 06:25 AM (96yfM)

2 I can feel your frustration, and I'm sorry for your conflicting situation. I have been fighting with two things for a really long time: birth control and depression. Oral birth control pushes my depression over the edge, and no doctor has ever thought my depression bad enough to give me a prescription. Though, I've been in the horrid graduate school clinic system for a while. I now use condoms for birth control and I have only managed to keep my depression under some kind of control with A LOT of exercise. It's frustrating that there are so few alternatives. Yeah...you just can't mess with a woman's orgasm.

Posted by: FemaleCSGradStudent at July 29, 2005 07:23 AM (VTEir)

3 That is TOO funny -- the practical application of acidy gas LOL.

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at July 29, 2005 07:37 AM (QhI+Z)

4 Get thee a new prescription STAT woman! Oh, and peals of laughter for the descriptive farting.

Posted by: halloweenlover at July 29, 2005 08:05 AM (cdEd4)

5 Amen sister! I experienced the ever-elusive orgasm thing while on zoloft. As well as the reversed sleeping problem. The Dr. will probabl tell you to give it another week or so to see if the side effects subside. If not, there are many other options. Good luck with the gas etc.

Posted by: suz at July 30, 2005 06:38 AM (QerFx)

6 Great that you're feeling some improvement so soon, but those side effects have got to go! There ARE antidepressants out there that have fewer - as my doctor delicately put it - "sexual side effects." Effexor slowed down my sexual response, but didn't make me anorgasmic. With all the drugs that are out there now, your doctor should have other suggestions.

Posted by: Kimberly at July 30, 2005 06:41 AM (CXd4V)

7 Are you sure you're not pregnant, sounds like the same side effects I've been having. Hope you find something that works for you!

Posted by: A.K. at August 02, 2005 04:33 AM (CSaRa)

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Kitchen:
Cabinets and Hardware: $3400 (plus delivery and tax)
Flooring: $500
Construction Materials: $250
New Sink: $200
New Counter: $750
New Electrical wiring: $250
Kitchen lighting: $250

Bathroom:
New sink: $250
New Cabinet: $200
New bath tile & Construction Materials: $350

Front door:
Hardware: $150
Glass: $300
Construction Materials: $200 (Sander rental)
New House numbers: $100
New Porch light: $100

New House Roof: $3000
Hallway floor patching: $150
Tool Rental for path break up: $100
Tool rental: Chipper/Shredder: $100
Dumpster: $300
Storage rental: $150

New lighting for dining room: $200
New poly for floors: $500
Paint: $300
TOTAL: $12,300

Additional WISH LIST:
Contractor assistance: $2500
Curtains: $1000
House Painters: $2500
Landscaping (new bulbs and bushes): $500
New Driveway: $2500

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:56 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 You forgot to add: Peace and happiness: Priceless

Posted by: Cheryl at July 27, 2005 05:30 PM (DeH4g)

2 Add some "sanity" to Cheryl's comment. I don't know if you feel liberated from the all the good changes coming in your life, but I sure do.

Posted by: ieatcrayonz at July 28, 2005 05:01 AM (FLJz9)

3 Cheryl took my line! Good for you - I'm happy to come and read this update!

Posted by: Monica C. at July 28, 2005 05:47 AM (gkN3L)

4 Holy crap! I'm tired just reading your list! Best of luck to you, I know it will be worth it. Just not today.

Posted by: Tammy/averagemom at July 28, 2005 07:02 PM (aFeo0)

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And from the "it's about damn time" files...

We've decided to sell the house. First to take out a home equity line of credit and take 6 months to fix up the obvious issues: finish the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door. (Oh, how I wish it could be faster!) Once we realized that we wouldn't be making it perfect for us, it was clear that we could make these things nice enough without nearly as much effort or investment.

We've decided to move to a nearby town that is quiet, green, and has an excellent school system. But is still close enough to Bear's current Montessori school to keep him there as long as he needs.

We've decided to buy the house that is right for us and to no longer hold ourselves to the rule that we must only buy enough house that I could pay the mortgage with just my salary. If CD wants to finish his education in Robotics, he will find a way - nights, weekends, whatever.

I know this is just a little baby step, but for me - a giant leap.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:10 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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We started traveling with him almost from the moment he was born, so I never hear things like "are we there yet?". But he's a little kid with a little bladder, so I did hear things like "I got to go potty" - and by that, he means now.

But the path to my friend's house in western Illinois was decidedly not paved with McDonald's. It was almost an hour on country roads once we exited the highway; it was farms and fields and cows and corn and, yes, at one point I think I saw a surrey with the fringe on top.

Luckily, we did keep finding potties just in time.

Then, finally, we found the "s" curve at the bottom of my directions. The nearly-hidden driveway that pulled up the steep hill. And we came to a stop right in front of the red barn. Bear looked at me and announced (as he eagerly pulled off his seat belt) "Mom! I like this place!"

5 rampaging boys made immediate friends. Through dog licks, kitten scratches, water fights, a wasp sting, bruises, running, screaming rounds of tag, tears, giggles, sharing, not sharing, stops for snacks and clothing changes, and the periodic shout to behave from my friend or I.... it was a wonderful time.

She and I had hours to visit, to chat or just sit and sip, to prepare dinner and do the chores of life, to marvel at how far our lives have come since college so long ago.

It was a whole 'nother day by the time I pulled into our driveway - in more ways than one.

By then, many decisions had begun to settle in my heart. As I watched CD carry our sleeping son to bed, the chubby hands instinctively wrapping into his father's hair, I knew the magic of the trip had worked on me. As I followed behind with the blankie and the luggage into the cool rooms, I knew the words would keep.

I took a deep breath, already missing the country air.

Now comes the work of setting vision to action. But in that moment, I was still in the medicinal peace of a day away. To a place I hope to go back again, soon.

When we hit that road, hell fer leather,
Cats and dogs'll dance in the heather,
Birds and frogs'll sing all together and the toads will hop!
The wind'll whistle as we rattle along,
The cows'll moo in the clover,
The river will ripple out a whispered song,
And whisper it over and over:
Don't you wisht y'd go on forever?
Don't you wisht y'd go on forever?
Don't you wisht y'd go on forever and ud never stop
In that shiny, little surrey with the fringe on the top!
- written by Oscar Hammerstein II, music by Richard Rodgers, originally from the musical "Oklahoma!" (1943).

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:57 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My inner voice, and no- not the one that harrasses me buy some chocolate or get a breast reduction, no the other inner voice - the sane one, the one that sits back and watches the chaos with a raised eyebrow while taking breaks from Kant and Steinem, that inner voice... she tells me that it is time to take a break.

She whispers "load up the car, chick, and go for a drive..."

And I look left and right, and then peer at the drugs the nice doctor gave me.

She whispers "it's time for a tall glass of iced tea and some girltalk.."

I check my calendar, quiet-like, before anyone notices that I have some openings. Shhhh.

She whispers "you know you want to..."

There's an old friend, who moved to where the corn grows tall and that shed out back is called a 'barn'. Where sun tea brews on the back porch, and dogs bark as the sprinklers spray. Where her gaggle of small boys run through the grass and "going into town" is a half-hour's drive. She sends me an email, reminding me that I perennially promise to visit.

I grin at Bear, wrinkling my nose. He grins back.

"We're going on adventure," I tell him, as I tuck him into bed.

He nods, and I nod back.

"OK," he says. "You drive. I'll be the navigator."

"OK," I agree.

And we're off.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:43 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Have a nice break. You totally deserve it.

Posted by: plumpernickel at July 21, 2005 09:25 PM (nsliU)

2 Go out and enjoy the sunshine with Bear! I will be patiently awaiting for updates when you get back.

Posted by: Sol at July 22, 2005 12:36 AM (ICNXV)

3 Have a great trip! Drive safely and eat lots of ice cream!

Posted by: RP at July 22, 2005 02:32 AM (LlPKh)

4 Awesome! That's what I'm talking about. If the house brings you down, it's time to get out of town for some fresh air. Yikes, you may love it so much, you won't want to come back! Come back, we'll be waiting...

Posted by: ieatcrayonz at July 22, 2005 02:38 AM (FLJz9)

5 Good idea! Enjoy the break.

Posted by: CursingMama at July 22, 2005 04:19 AM (PoQfr)

6 Perfect. I wish I had a friend in the country to escape to. Hope you have a wonderful time.

Posted by: E at July 22, 2005 04:01 PM (Knn1n)

7 Have a great trip! I wish I could join you, or that you could keep driving until you got here!

Posted by: Tammy/averagemom at July 23, 2005 03:14 PM (aFeo0)

8 Awesome, I hope you're having a great time! Love your writing (I know I say that all the time but, every now and then I just have to tell you again)

Posted by: Kris at July 23, 2005 03:18 PM (w5IlI)

9 Will you be coming back? When I was at the beach, I seriously considered just staying...

Posted by: Philip at July 25, 2005 03:25 AM (R3FWx)

10 Good for you. Good for your soul. TAKE ME WITH YOU!

Posted by: Monica C. at July 25, 2005 05:43 AM (gkN3L)

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It's been a WEEK on Lexapro and so far here's what's going on:

1) My mouth feels like I have been licking tin foil
2) My poops are amazing, even by Bear's standards - and that boy has some OUT-freaking-STANDING poops
3) I could sleep all day
4) I just might
5) My world is still unshakable CHAOS with no end in sight
6) We can't afford to move just this second
7) My son is delicious, except for the poops thing
My blood pressure is in the normal range
9) WHEN WILL THIS HEAT END?

The doctor says give it another week... and all I can think is "fine, whatever."

Posted by: Elizabeth at 09:13 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Stacy! That drunk floozy thought it would be a good idea to hand out the password to her blog. Heh.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:39 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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This has been a very dry summer but today we got some massive thunderhead action and finally, after hours of opressive humidity, we got rain.

I was running with Bear to the van after picking him up from camp, the sky opening up and the wind buffeting us. We held hands as we jogged to the parking lot and he shouted to me that the rain was good. That God and the Angels were watering the flowers.

"And the tomatoes," I said.

"Well," he yelled. "Maybe not the tomatoes. Just the flowers. And the grass."

"But not my tomatoes? Or the basil?"

"No! God and the Angels like chocolate!"

Go figure.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 10:27 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I rarely do this, but it made me laugh almost until I peed myself. It's kinda mean, tho - so if you love the French for their courage as well as their croissants (KWA - SAHN!!), don't click xset.co.uk » Blog Archive » This news just in

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:50 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Of dinner conversation.

At dinner, tonight, with newly engaged friends;

Me: ... I don't look good in white, I looked like a meringue. I wish I'd worn hot pink instead...

CD: You'd look good in hot pink.

Me: We have some hot pink hair dye at home, the idea of it on me gets CD all hot and bothered.

CD: What can I say?

Me: I don't think he knows it's only supposed to go on the hair on top of my head.

Our friends: (spewing out their drinks)

CD: No, no... I just think you should match.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:08 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Fredette asked me an important question a few weeks ago: What do I want?

She assumed I knew the answer.

I don't. more...

Posted by: Elizabeth at 12:00 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I am glad you are thinking about your future I think right now you are stuck with "what is" and it is fogging the "what-ifs". Forget about everything that "is" right now. Wipe the slate clean in your mind. Forget about everything. If you didn't have to think about money -- what would you do right now? Would you move? Would you pay someone to de-clutter the house, and then rennovate? Would you ultimately be happy in this home -- or would you be happier in another home? If you'd be happier in another home -- what would it look like? Where do you get your energies -- from city live -- or quite coutry lanes? In other words, when you have free time -- where you tend to go? When you dream of a vacation -- where is it? Traversing a new city -- or exploring the countryside? Dream with me, E. Sit back, get a drink, close your eyes and dream of where you would like to live and what your ideal life would be like. Forget about boundaries -- let the sky be the limit. Then describe it, write it and down and share it with me. Don't let any fear or reality get in your way -- just dream!

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at July 20, 2005 04:41 AM (QhI+Z)

2 Know any good arsonists?

Posted by: Genuine at July 20, 2005 04:55 AM (AdhnO)

3 honey, I wouldn't begin to know how to answer that question. And it's certainly not b/c I want for nothing. I think I was so depressed for so long, that I just kind of gave up on wanting anything and learned to just plow through each day. And that kind of became habit. I guess I should consider this more.

Posted by: kalisah at July 20, 2005 05:16 AM (6pzhF)

4 With real estate values escalating across the US, I am stunned to hear that you are in a "break-even" situation. Have you confirmed your value with more than 1 realtor? I was in an identical situation to yours, what with my health plummuting due to overwork...then my sister and my mom passed away and I snapped like a green bean. We sold our house and moved to Colorado and I am overwhelmed by the beauty and space in my new home. We went from 1900 sq ft to 3,000 sq ft and I now have storage space for everthing. It makes a HUGE difference to my psyche. Keep following your intuition, your body is screaming for relief. I know, I've (recently) been there.

Posted by: jill at July 20, 2005 05:29 AM (mPnaW)

5 I read a book once -- I wish I could remember the title -- that talked about learning to bend like a blade of grass. It really spoke to me, because I've always been a stubborn, goal-oriented person with an inexplicable attraction to brick walls. Every once in a while, you really do need to take the easy road. It may not be the quickest way to get where you want to go, but you just have to have faith that you will get there in the end. If I were you, I wouldn't make any significant decisions until after the Lexapro kicks in. Things will look a lot different when you're not drowning in anger and futility.

Posted by: notdonnareed at July 20, 2005 05:53 AM (82Da3)

6 Would it help to rent a storage unit? Just throw all the crap out of sight? We finally did so, and I love that I can actually walk into my walk-in closet....

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 20, 2005 06:48 AM (v+q53)

7 Using your same analogy: Right now, your mind and body have a defecit of, say, 5$. You can sell your house right now, break even, and you'll still need $5 to renovate your mind and body. Let's say you put $5 more into the house. Like you said, you will be able to sell it for $25, but how much will your mind and body defecit increase during that time? I cannot say. You have a tough decision before you. Good luck.

Posted by: FemaleCSGradStudent at July 21, 2005 04:02 PM (VTEir)

8 E -- Once you remove all the boundaries you have on yourself right now (we can't sell the house and profit, it has emotional value) -- and just dream about what you want -- all the other components will align. When I say dream, I do want you to dream of everything -- and every possibility. It will guide you to where you want to go. Then we can sit down and determine the best path to get there. I hope you have a great visit to the country!

Posted by: Eyes for Lies at July 22, 2005 04:06 AM (QhI+Z)

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The $250/hour psychiatrist put me on something called Lexapro. I've been on it 3 days and I can tell you, it clearly sucks rocks. I have not had any epiphanies. I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Or, if I do, I still believe with all my heart that it is a train come to smash me.

My little house is still a dangerous warren of chaos. Just yesterday, my son got a scratch on his tummy from smashing into a computer in the middle of the den and a bruise under his eye from frolicking in my bed (*ahem* possibly a tickle fight) and bumping himself on my desk -which is crammed up next to the mattress.

So it was with my continuing "running on empty" personality that I decided to tangle with Dunkin Donuts this morning. Not that I knew I was "running on empty" until recently, but now that I do know - well, it's my excuse du jour thank you very much.

All I wanted was an iced coffee and a plain croissant.

DD Drive-thru lady: "Football?"

Me: "Pardon? uh, no. I'd like a croissant (Kwa-sahn)."

DD Drive-thru lady: "Roll?"

Me: "Croissant!"

DD Drive-thru lady: "Donut?"

Me: "CROIS-SANT!"

DD Drive-thru lady: "Hot cross bun?"

Me: "Is this thing on? I want a CROIS-SANT!"

DD Drive-thru lady: "Please pull around!"

Me (at the window, pointing at the picture): "CROIS-SANT!, CROIS-SANT!"

DD Drive-thru lady: "Oh! You mean a crescent roll! Gosh, that accent of yours!"

I am SUCH a dumbass.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:26 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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1 Drive thrus are the worst!

Posted by: Melissa at July 18, 2005 05:36 AM (SGhcn)

2 The meds may take a bit of time to kick in, but in the meantime, croissants are absolutely the best med accelerant known to man. Next to Mexican food, that is. Or Italian. Or...now I'm hungry. Love you, Elizabeth.

Posted by: Helen at July 18, 2005 05:45 AM (ATx6T)

3 Hey, I'm on Lexapro too! You've gotta give it a month or so to really kick in, but you'll probably start feeling calmer after a week or two. Did your doctor give you a temporary prescription for Xanax? My doctor said SSRIs can actually increase your anxiety level in the short term, so he always instructs his patients to take Xanax concurrently for the first few weeks. I suppose it depends on whether you're taking the Lexapro for anxiety or for depression. Anyway, you may want to ask the $250/hour psychiatrist about that. :-)

Posted by: notdonnareed at July 18, 2005 06:10 AM (82Da3)

4 I have been Lexapro for close to 6 months now. I can tell you that it helped me a lot. It was more for my anxiety. I will be honest that it didn't do much for the energy or desire to accomplish more, but I do get out of bed everyday to face whatever life is going to haul off and throw at me. That for me, made all the difference. You are not alone.......

Posted by: The Diva at July 18, 2005 09:00 AM (R6lW4)

5 Lexapro is my miracle drug. OK, it takes a few weeks to totally do it's thing, but when I go off of it for about a week (like, when I forget to make an appt. for a refill) I have complete meltdowns. And here I totally forgot that my life used to consist of those. Mine is for straight depression. My doc said it's become the most popular antideps for women b/c it doesn't have a lot of the side effects (weight gain, loss of sex drive) that the others do.

Posted by: kalisah at July 18, 2005 10:40 AM (6pzhF)

6 That made me laugh out loud. Drive throughs are tough enough when ordering something simple...add some french in and it all falls apart!

Posted by: E at July 18, 2005 02:05 PM (Knn1n)

7 Like everyone else said - it does take a few weeks for it to kick in. James was on it after we lost Ethan and it helped him a LOT - unfortunately once the samples ran out he had to go on something else since our insurance wouldn't cover it. I was put on Zoloft and my shrink at the time thought I needed a more theraputic level than that which my Dr gave me. Nothing makes you feel like you're falling apart more than when your shrink wants to nearly triple your dosage! Now I want some buttery croissant goodness. *wipes drool from chin* I don't even know of anywhere near here where I could get some! This little town needs a good bakery - I'd open one up myself but I'd just eat everything before it could be sold. You always get screwed going through the drive thru. Didn't you watch one of those Lethal Weapon movies? Mind you, I was only exposed due to my older sisters love affair with Mel Gibson at the time ...

Posted by: Michele at July 18, 2005 05:34 PM (fx/gl)

8 I tried Lexapro a couple of years ago but it practically put me in a coma: I had to take sick days because I was too zonked out to work. It was after that that I decided to give the antidepressants a miss for a while.

Posted by: Anna at July 18, 2005 05:53 PM (y/4fW)

9 My mom is on Lexapro, but hers is not covered by her insurance. She does feel a lot better on it. I hope things get better for you.

Posted by: Chica at July 18, 2005 06:49 PM (v4tcM)

10 I defer to the others on the lexapro and how long it'll take to make a big difference. But so happy and hoping this will help. I CAN, however, totally identify with the dunkin' donuts thing. One would imagine, you would think, that the DD employees would know basic words, LIKE SAUSAGE OR EGG OR EXTRA MILK. One would imagine, but unfortunately, not true. Not true at all, as is evidenced by my BACON AND CHEESE sandwich.

Posted by: halloweenlover at July 19, 2005 03:15 AM (cdEd4)

11 I'll chime in on the Lexapro as well. I've been on it for nearly two years now and it has helped me immeasurably. Like The Diva, it hasn't helped me much with my energy level (but perhaps getting a decent night of sleep and some exercise would help!). What it did was lift the cloud of depression enough for me to see the causes of the depression. My husband blamed the depression (and everything else) on PMS - once I started to see clearly, I realized that it was my husband's abuse that was causing the depression. I'm well on the road to recovery and I don't think I would have made it without Lexapro (plus a little Xanax now and then) and a patient and understanding shrink. The Lexapro made me feel seasick for a couple weeks - I took it before bed with some crackers until that particular side effect went away. I also can't take more than 20mg (I think that's it) without feeling edgy. Hang in there - I hope things get better for you soon!

Posted by: Jessica at July 19, 2005 04:24 AM (Qy78d)

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Maybe I watched too many Capra movies growing up, but I honestly believe that most people working for the government - elected or appointed - want to do right by their job and this country.

See, I may not agree with all the things we, as a country, do. But the enemies are not the Republicans vs. the Democrats.

Nope.

It is the terrorists out there that would not blink about blowing up my home with me and my family it. THEY are the bad guys. They are who worry me, deep in the night. They are the people who need to be ousted, hunted, and addressed.

And I am counting on each and every man and woman who dedicates their lives in the service of this country to help protect us and, in the long term, think of solutions that will help move us towards a more tolerant and safe planet.

And for their sacrifice and dedication, I believe with all my heart that each of them deserves the complete protection and support they need to do their job.

ItÂ’s non-negotiable.

The thing with Karl Rove is that he disagreed with some people's statements on WMD's. He disagreed with how one of employees of the United States Government was using her position. Fine. He had a lot of ways to address his feelings. After all, he works across the hall from the President of the United States. HeÂ’s got a position, too. Right?

So according to these emails the reporter and Time turned over(with Rove's consent), it looks like he chose to use that position to expose her to the media. If he did, then he knew better. A high-placed employee of the United States government Intelligence community has her identity revealed to the enemies of this country because Karl Rove spoke to a reporter?

I don't give a shit why, and I don't want to parse the legalities.

If he identified her to a reporter. Knowingly. Then to me, what he did just about makes Karl Rove a traitor.

I don't decide what happens to him now. But I can tell you this from my heart. If it's true, I don't want President Bush relying on this man's counsel.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 06:11 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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I went to see a psychiatrist this mornng.

He was quiet and nice. When I sat down, and he asked me what brought me to his office, I started to cry.

I didn't tell him about my heart, or my high blood pressure.

Or how my doctor thinks that I might have a chemical imbalance that is causing a depression that is screwing with my heart and my blood pressure.

Or that I can't stand living in a rehab project.

Or that the garden is withering in this drought.

The words that came out of me were a surprise.

I said that my life has gone gray except for my son.

I said I didn't remember what happy felt like.

I said that all the things I love to do have become chores.

I said that I was angry, because finally my husband shows signs of healing and life and now everything around me was crumbling like a sand castle.

I choked on my tears on his uncomfortable couch and apologized for being incoherant.

And he said it was okay. He said it was okay. He said I would be okay. And that he would help me get there.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 04:07 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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The last time we took Bear to the doctor's, we were still in the position of translating and advocating for him. The Dr. asked where it hurt, and Bear would point to his throat, and CD or I would say "Well, he began running a fever on Staurday and then yesterday he started having trouble swallowing..."

This morning, we touched the future again. As we did the first time someone rang the doorbell looking to play with Bear, as we did the first time we dropped him off at carpool instead of parking and walking him into his classroom.

He answered all the doctor's questions.

He knew how old he was, and where it hurt, and that he didn't want the doctor to use a tongue depressor ('They make me sick'). He knew when to lift his shirt and suck in a breath, and how to hold quiet and still for his blood pressure.

All CD and I did was nod.

She was a new doctor for Bear, but by the end of the visit he was complimenting her. He told her how he used to not like planes, but now they were fine. And that maybe he felt the same way about doctor visits.

When we filled out the paperwork, CD asked me how much Bear had weighed and how long he'd been at birth.

I couldn't believe he'd forgotten.

To CD, it's been almost 5 years. So much has happened and now, here we are, parents of a rough and tumble preschooler on the verge of so much independance.

To me, it was all just yesterday that he was a wriggling curious infant with curious blue eyes and a shock of red hair. I look and listen to our son with awe, and realize how much has happened in the blink of an eye.

Which is probably why I misted up tonight when "100 Years" came on the radio.

The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

Posted by: Elizabeth at 09:44 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Isn't it strange how they start acting like little adults! Men are just forgetful and women can't be because then no one would know the answers!

Posted by: Melissa at July 13, 2005 02:06 AM (SGhcn)

2 This sounds like the Princess' last yearly DR check-up. I was busy wrangling my Bear and the DR just chatted with the Princess. It was great.

Posted by: Grace at July 13, 2005 04:19 AM (F9hhp)

3 I can;t even remember their names anymore! I'm certain one of them is named "dammit".

Posted by: Genuine at July 13, 2005 08:31 AM (W9UXV)

4 I remember feeling that lump in my throat when our kiddo was turning into her own little self when it came to the doctor. She marched right in there and up onto the examination table. No help ... no coaxing needed. When the doctor came in she was all business. They grow up too fast .. .way way too fast. And then, in a split second, they throw a tempertantum the likes you've never witnessed before because you didn't pop out more children closer in age to her so that she'd had playmates at her disposal. And then you remember how not grown they still are. *hug* For all of the other stuff that's been going on. I feel you on the living in a house that is in a constant state of construction and destruction. I dream of moving out of this home but James keeps telling me that we need to stay until he finishes all of the projects .... I don't really want to fast forward 15 years and see that the bathroom is still green sheetrock.

Posted by: Michele at July 13, 2005 03:49 PM (+I0xC)

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We bought a fixer-upper and rolled up our sleeves with a 5-year plan, money in the bank, and a new baby on my hip.

In the 4.5 years since, we have started and stopped a thousand times, always keeping things as orderly and pretty as we could in the meantime. After all, this isn't just a job site - it's our home.

So even in the darkest days, somehow we managed to keep most things tended: lawn mowed, plants trimmed, paint fresh, pictures hung and squared on the wall, buckets and baskets to hold the piles of things that didn't have any other home.

But to look around now is to see tall weeds in the unmown lawn, grass growing in the cracks of the driveway, scattered mess and piles, and only a token effort made at keeping it all under control.

My doctor asked me to take a long look at what was going on in my life. She says that my heart is strong, and that my spirit is, too. But she says that my blood pressure is telling a frightening story. One that shouts "there are no reserves!"

She compared it to people who live paycheck to paycheck - there is just no "float" for emergencies, so they build up the debts on credit cards in order to get through the unexpected things you can depend will come regularly rampaging through life.

That is what is going on with my health. I am running on minimum tolerances and so with every crisis, every bad day - I borrow from my future in order to find the strength to last the day.

I am, slowly, damaging myself.

I look around this house and know what she says is true. There is no stretch of space in the home where you can rest your eyes. The chaos reaches every corner, and leeches from soul.

I have given up.

I now know that it will be years before I have a kitchen that would hold all my dishes, much less have room for pots and pans. I now know that it will be years before I have a closet that could hold my vacuum cleaner (so it will stay in the corner of my dining room).

All that energy, that hope, that time, I once had to get me from here to there is depleted.

I know this house has great "bones" and gorgeous woodwork, stained glass and a working fireplace. I know that it has brilliant possibilities. That the neighborhood is lovely, that the location can not be beat.

To give up and walk away would be to leave behind so much in dreams and possibilities - not the least to walk away from possible return on investment. To sell it in the state it is in now would be to take a loss.

But my body and soul are screaming out. This life I have is not working, and something must be done to bring serenity back, to refill my reserves.

So I dream of a house with closet space. I dream of a home that doesn't take my husband away from Bear and I in endless work. I dream of going wild with new recipes, and cooking without having to factor in twice the time just to dig through all the nooks and crannies for the right tools. I dream of floors new enough that you can get them clean. I dream of weekend hours spent any way we want, without the crushing reality of desperate projects that need doing before winter comes.

And although I love this place, I do - I dream of someplace else. And sleep with a smile.

Everyone tells me how stupid I would be to walk away from this house.

But I don't know how to stay.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 07:22 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Since I have no words, only prayers.

(AFP/Philippe Huguen)

Read Helen's account here.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:32 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I've written this in snippets through the week and saved in a Word file. If it seems uneven, it's because it's really a gaggle of fortune-cookie-sized thoughts wrapped together in a big tortilla. Damn, I think I'm hungry.

Sunday, I took all the fine advice I was given to do nothing.

But then Monday dawned in hazy sun. And it was warm, wet, and full of chores. Thinking about my little "lost day", the guilt was a quilt over my head. I couldnÂ’t see anything but what needed doing.

Laundry, dishes, paperwork, bills, getting ready for my trip, praying, cleaning, cooking, shopping.

My father called, a quick little "hi" in the afternoon. I debated saying anything. Finally, I took a breath. "Dad," I said. 'It's about my heart. There's been an ... event."

*That went about as well as could be expected. I told him I would call when I got the results next week.*

By sunset, I was back at it. Walking back and forth through my shotgun home, dropping off and picking up and putting away. It was dark when some noises startled me out of my working stupor and I went outside in thick mist to look.

Fireworks, floating in the sky.

Rev, my next door neighbor, came out. "I wasn't going to drive up for the show." he told me. "Traffic is always crazy, after. I forgot we could see it pretty good from our yards."

I nodded. We stood side-by-side and watched from that invisible property line between our yards. Watched through the trees, with many sparkles of colored light reaching so high we had to crane our necks back to see. Our silence was broken by snippets of conversation and far away booms. We stayed to the very end, even though it was raining and we got soaked through. And we clapped, though no one could hear.

Tuesday and more to do. Updated my spreadsheets, dropped off the dry-cleaning, cashed a check, packed, replicated the laptop to the home system, and headed for the airport.

Late afternoon and I was kneeling at the gateway door at an American Airlines arriving flight. Bear saw me and began running. I was crying in relief when I finally had him in my arms. I belatedly kissed CD. He was bemused at how adults get forgotten in the greeting process once children are added to the mix.

Our little family shared a picnic in a row of empty seats at a semi-empty gate and then I jogged down to my own departing flight. Looking back every few feet, hating and dreading the distance growing once again between me and them.

Tuesday night I got to the hotel and realized I had left my Gmail and Blog passwords back at home. Too tired to think about it, I went to sleep.

Wednesday and it was 11.5 hours straight in conference. It was stared with an ice-breaking exercise where we were asked, in all seriousness, "If we could be a dessert - what kind would we be?"

Breakfast and lunch catered in as we slogged through, arguing process and format and dependencies and interdependencies and predecessors and drop dates.

We were at a hotel outside St. Louis, Missouri. That night we ate at a local restaurant where the horde of us happily enjoyed clams and lobster and salmon that were better than any of us expected, accompanied by a surprisingly good wine selection. A lot of wine, actually. So much so that two hours later we were all laughing so hard that our cheek muscles hurt even though I donÂ’t remember anyone as being all that funny.

Thursday morning was terrorism, disaster, broken hearts, and broken bodies. I awoke at 6AM to MSNBC's breathless coverage and quickly turned to CNN.

Called CD and begged him to send me my GMAIL password. Then it was a flurry of quick, frightened emails to dear ones in London.

And pause for prayer.

Then another 5 hours of more debate club antics back in the conference room. At 2PM, I excused myself and my team. Several of my projects got the green light, and we were gave a rah-rah teleconference to prepare for next week's kickoff workshop here in Chicago.

3PM and we commandeered my architect and his Audi to take us to the airport.

5:40PM and I was Earthbound once again, through cobalt skies dipping low to the concrete runway.

And finally, home again.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 03:12 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Happy Independance Day, America.

I am spending it alone, since Bear and CD are off on their every-other-year excursion to CD's buddy's house.

Don't ask why I don't go, too. Years of learning that some people are oil and water and better left in their separate bottles.

I have a "Honey Do" list for myself as long as your arm.

Ready, Set...

oooh. Pretty flowers.

I'll get started just as soon as I take a look.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 02:49 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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When I arrived at the cardiologist's office, it was all business and smiles.

The folks at the reception desk guided me through the paperwork. They liked my purse. It's an aqua leather shoulder deal with white piping. I've become a purse whore lately, like some are with shoes. But I have platypus feet, so it's purses.

Once in the testing room, the two lab women introduced themselves quietly. I was told to strip to the waist and put on a gown, open at the front. I was asked if I wanted privacy.

Hell, yes.

A few minutes later, we begin. They open my gown and have me hold my ponderous breasts out of the way while they stick 10 plastic circles all over my chest.

Then they strap an octopus of wires around my waist and up clipped onto each lead. The glue on some pulls at my skin and I twinge.

I haven't eaten or drank anything in almost 3 hours, on a day of 95 degrees (F) and no central air conditioning at my house. Now my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. I lay on my side, my chest open to anyone walking down the hall.

"Close the door, please," I ask softly. She pushes it mostly shut, and I decide not to argue the last inch.

A wand with cold goo is pressed, hard, against my sternum. The little bit not covered in wires. I look on the screen. Last time I went through this, I was watching Bear squirm and hiccup.

This time I watch an impossibly small muscle beating.

I try and relax.

That little thing is all that keeps my world going.

I feel infinitely frail.

They lead me over to the treadmill. I tie one of the ribbons on my gown shut and then begin the fast walk.

I try not to look at the screens. I try and look anywhere else. I am panting immediately, dehydrated and out of shape.

I imagine my house, after a rehab. I imagine finding a pink party dress and dancing with CD (clearly a fantasy since neither of us knows how to do more than shuffle around together), I imagine cooking school in France, I picture Bear's grinning, freckled face.

None of it helps. I can see the monitor. I can see the irregularities.

In only 5 minutes, I am done. Moved off the treadmill and over to the bed again. More with the wand and the goo. Wait. And then again.

And again.

And my blood pressure, many times.

I am light-headed, now, and chilled from the air conditioning on my sweaty body. I keep trying to cover my breasts, a modesty born of the door that they left opened, again.

These women, they are trying to be nice. They rush to close the door again when I point it out. They get me a small paper cup of tepid water. They cluck to me that it is almost over.

I am feeling exposed and broken.

Alone, I wipe myself down with wrinkled gown. Dipping a corner in the small sink and cleaning the goo off as best as I can. The sweat from under my breasts. The leftover adhesive from the circles ripped off my skin.

My breath is sour. My eyes close to tears.

I dress. Brush my hair. Reapply lip gloss. Deep breath, purse over shoulder, I leave.

They say the results will be given to my doctor in less than 24 hours. I nod.

I pass through doors and hallways and down the stairs. I think about that small beating heart that keeps my whole life going. I think about what happens if it stops. If it is sick.

I feel disgusting and unhealthy and afraid.

I get in my car. And go home.

Posted by: Elizabeth at 05:40 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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