January 31, 2006
State of the Union
Usually I watch the State of the Union address each year.
But tonight I can't bring myself to do it. Too tired. Too cynical. Too fed up. Too anxious about life as it is.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Posted by: Anna at January 31, 2006 02:15 PM (LB2Dh)
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Damn, that was tonite, wasn't it?
I was going to make the boys watch it as punishment for fighting earlier. Missed my chance.
We were working on math problems and a report about the Liberty Bell and another report about Jesse Owens. Guess I'll have to read the condensed version online...
Posted by: ben at January 31, 2006 04:15 PM (lZN9i)
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yep, I couldn't handle it. You aren't the only one.
Posted by: Melissa at January 31, 2006 05:38 PM (RcXdn)
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Too busy working. If he actually says anything unexpected, I'll hear it on NPR on the way in to work.
Posted by: laura at February 01, 2006 03:30 AM (FzMzF)
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I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the new look! Very sharp!
((((hugs))))
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at February 01, 2006 04:10 AM (L67iN)
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I couldn't make myself watch, either, and what I've read today only confirms that my decision was the right one.
Posted by: Kimberly at February 01, 2006 02:56 PM (CXd4V)
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Why should anyone voluntarily subject themselves to that idiot of a man? Don't beat yourself up about it. Between him and Canada's recent election. UGGG! It was nice before knowing the possibility of running away to Canada was there. So much for that now. They have their own "Bush" now.
Posted by: Adam at February 05, 2006 10:53 AM (/8nf6)
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January 27, 2006
She's Pissing Me Off
Bear's school, the
highly expensive Happy Montessori School in Poshville, is really pissing me off.
Actually, it's the "Hi I have 4 advanced degrees" in-house learning specialist, Mary, that is doing the pissing. And I am just about ready to start fighting back.
So, she called today to find out if we've enrolled Bear in Occupational Therapy yet. We'd agreed at the meeting at the school last week that we would follow up on her recommendation that Bear get an OT evaluation and she was looking for status.
Mary has been working with Bear for about an hour each week for the past 3 months. She has been providing him with tutoring in reading and writing during school hours.
I told her about Bear's doctor's appointment on Wednesday. How Bear's pediatrician gave him all these milestone tests in the exam room - and passed with flying colors. Bear wrote his name legibly (with his left hand - with his right, he piled the letters vertically), draw shapes, numbers, and point out words by first-letter keying (She told Bear her first name was "Jane" and Bear looked around and correctly pointed out her name on her prescription pad by looking for a word that started with the 'J' sound.)
She was very impressed that on Tuesday, Bear's school buddy had told Bear hisphonenumber and Bear had written it down correctly and then, after school, had solemnly stood in my office and dialled the number so he could invite his buddy over to play. (Hey, that impressed me too)
(Insert joke about buying a 5 year-old his first cell phone here.)
The learning specialist huffed at me that, in her educated opinion, Bear is still having fine motor difficuties and problems getting himself situated in his space to write. She said that he'd had a lot of trouble getting small flashcards in and out of a box in the correct order and direction.
I reminded her that, as we told her last week, we've switched over to an HMO (to control our out-of-pocket healthcare costs). The pediatrician has to make the refferal in order to get the OT evaluation paid for by insurance.
And hey, I dutifully took Bear to the pediatrician's office just for this purpose. And the pediatrician is a good doctor. And I think it is actually a good sign that she wants to do some research before she makes the referral.
She snapped at me that she had to go and hung up on me.
When I picked up Bear today from school, I asked about the flashcards as part of our usual "how was your day" conversation on the ride home. Bear said that the learning specialist had accidentally dropped the cards in the hallway as they'd walked to her office and he'd helped her pick them up. He told me that she liked them to go in the box in a special way, so he'd had to take some out and put them back in again. And that the big kids had been coming in from recess and had been careful not to step on the cards.
And I'm like.... what the fuck?
Bear can actually shuffle cards - rudimentally, sure, but let me tell you - he is pretty good at it. So I am just completely confused now. CD told me that a couple of the other parents he was talking to during some volunteer time they were doing both had their kids in OT on the school's recommendation as well.
So I am Really. Confused.
And a slow burn starting.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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She's pissing me off too, and I'm not even there. And, um, I apparently broke your pop-up comments, but I promise to fix them tomorrow. :*
Posted by: Cheryl at January 27, 2006 03:40 PM (BFoQ1)
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Your son is only 5. He sounds perfect to me. I'm glad you are having the pediatrician evaluate Bear. Doctors are best at this type of testing. Have you ever seen a doctor's handwriting? I'm sure most of them would have to go to OT because their fine motor skills needed work!
MM
Posted by: montessorimom at January 28, 2006 07:22 AM (WqtUx)
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Elizabeth, corporate mommy, blogs about her bright, coppery son Bear.
posted by ViVi at 5:01 PM
http://conservativesub.blogspot.com/2006/01/mom-o-sphere.html
Posted by: ViVi at January 28, 2006 11:27 AM (V0HAg)
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Maybe the occupational therapist is a relative or the referrer is getting kickbacks. I know that sounds ridiculous but even professionals are desperate to make a buck. And who is easier to prey upon than a parent since we will do anything for our children?
I'm dumbfounded that you're paying good money for this school to potentially mess up your kid.
Posted by: angela at January 30, 2006 05:24 AM (FlZPw)
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Elizabeth I know I've spoken on this topic before but I cannot reiterate enough that you and CD know bear best - if your instincts are telling you something isn't right here listen to them! Especially now you have another professional in your corner.
Flikka xx
Posted by: Flikka at January 30, 2006 10:50 AM (puvdD)
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Ditto what Cheryl said. I know I don't have a son and I don't have a teacher that's winding me up, but your teacher needs to get a clue.
A) Hanging up is unacceptable and I would demand an apology if I were you. You pay good money for that school, if you wanted to be hung up on you could call the electric company for grins.
B) He's FIVE. FIVE. That goes in caps. He can write his name with both hands? That's bloody brilliant. I'm being honest.
C) He has problems getting flash cards in and out of a box? Well, here's a tip for his teacher- so do some adults. Hand-eye coordination takes many, many years to perfect. Is he expected to be in the Master Class for Hand-Eye Coordination at age FIVE?
I read this and think: this is crazy talk. I know that he's perhaps getting a better education at that school, but from where I site here in the chair, reading what you write, what I had to wonder is-he's a clever boy and potentially made more clever by being there, but how much is he losing by feeling bad about flashcards?
He's a beautiful, healthy, clever FIVE year old.
From where I sit? It seems great that you have the nice new doctor to help fight his side to get the teacher to understand that that fancy little bachelor's degree doesn't mean all kids come from a cookie cutter.
I really apologize if any of this came across as assvice, Elizabeth.
Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2006 10:55 AM (h4faM)
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I agree with Angela. Someone is making a kick-back. Either that or the specialist needed OT therapy as a child, and didn't get the help she needed.
Either way, it has nothing to do with Bear. He's a smart cookie.
Posted by: laura at January 30, 2006 01:25 PM (FzMzF)
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Go with your instincts. If your instincts are telling you that the specialist is wrong, then she's wrong. No one knows your son better then you do.
As a working professional, have you ever been wrong about something? Of course, we all have. She could be wrong too.
Posted by: tracey at January 31, 2006 02:16 AM (UdJCa)
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hello it sounds like this Mary woman thinks she is God and knows more than the childs doctor. Her feelings got hurt when a phd second guessed her see she isnt concerned about the child but about her wanting to be right. She already has it in her head that your child needs what she suggested. I dont know if it were me I would maybe look into a diffrent school.
Posted by: angela at January 31, 2006 01:19 PM (9G7sp)
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I have too much personal experience with overbearing school professionals. Repeating our story would hijack your comments, and I don't want to do that, so suffice it to say .... you and CD know your son best. Follow -- and believe -- your gut. Use your pediatrician, whose report backs you up -- have her write a letter to the school, if necessary. And if this woman can't accept an opinion that is contradictory to hers and stop with the attitude I'd seriously consider changing schools.
Even if Bear DID have an issue (and I say IF), this is not someone I would want working with me to address it.
Posted by: Ruth at January 31, 2006 05:17 PM (ZkZtT)
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I don't know much about developmental milestones, but this sounds fishy to me. My friend is a pediatrician, and she is pretty picky about development, so she'd be the first to recommend an occupational therapist. I would also call back and ask why she hung up on you, biznatch. Grrrr.
Posted by: halloweenlover at February 01, 2006 05:21 AM (cdEd4)
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If your pediatrician says he's fine and if your gut instinct says he's fine, I say ignore the bitch and let her stew about the fact that you don't give a shit about her "professional recommendation."
I think maybe she needs some occupational therapy, too- because it certainly sounds like she's chosen the wrong "occupation."
Posted by: Lucinda at February 01, 2006 11:16 AM (OPvIN)
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January 26, 2006
And IÂ’d like to change my life, and you know I would
I was on the phone this morning with about a dozen different engineers. A server that was supposed to have a 75gig drive only had a 32gig drive and you wouldn't think that was a big deal - but when you only have a guy for one day to load the software and the software needs a 75gig drive, well... it becomes a big deal.
At one point, I hijacked someone else's conference call. My hat in hand, begging for a 75gig drive.
After I made my desperate plea there was a pause. Then I heard a vaguely familiar voice say.... "If it isn't Professor Peabody and her Wayback machine!"
And I had to laugh.
It was a guy I had worked with in 1998, when I was a newbie at Mega and still wearing thrift store (I mean Vintage! Bohemian!) clothes and learning what the heck "Deliverable" and "Return on Investment" meant.
It was a guy who'd screwed me over.
Who had stubbornly refused to meet the deadlines I'd set because back then, I wasn't senior enough for him to notice. And he was new to Mega, too. Hired away from a competitor and eager to show how important he was.
And today we ended up getting on our phones and chatting like it was .... well, a whole new world. After all, we knew each other when.
We saw each other at the begining of our careers with Mega. We had both attended the same long dinners at Morton's, crowded into one of the private dining rooms with 20 others. The rounds and rounds of drinks at the local pub after pulling 20 hour days. The "All Hands" conferences at the local hotel ballroom - a division president barking inspirational words into a corded microphone as he paced the parquet floor.
We both worked our way up, in a corporation famous for rarely promoting. From Lead to Senior Lead. To Partner. To Management. To Senior Management. Hovering in front of the executive washroom, scrambling to take on more responsiblity.
We left behind the core skills that got us in the door for PowerPoint presentations and budget challenges.
And now we're old-tiimers. You know, from way back when.
He refuted me when I told him I was going, disbelief thick in his voice. It took me a few minutes to convince him.
It's a strange thing, inside Mega we are always fighting our own co-workers for the fewer and fewer spots up the food chain. Like a athletes that travel together to competitions.
After the race is run, we all file back onto the same bus. We compliment and commiserate. High-5's as we shimmy down the narrow aisle to an empty seat. Internally plotting to beat each other next time.
"You're coming back," he announced to me smugly. "You're at the top of your game. You won't walk away from that."
And I told him that no one knew the future. If they did, Lotto would go out of business.
And he sighed, and changed the subject. Started reminiscing, and we lost a good half hour that way.
We used to battle and now that is what links us. We were witnesses to a slice of each other's lives, which is a powerful bond.
And I truly believe that when he said he was sorry to see me go... he meant it.
I know I did.
(And we got that 75gig drive from him. But don't ask how. Or from where. Or anything. In fact, we never had this conversation.)
(oh, and p.p.s. - the comments are working again. Wouldn't you like to be my neighbor? Or, at least tell me that the gang's all together again and no hard feelings for me blowing up the website? I'm blatantly begging here...)
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Well, this gang's here anyway and I'm sure I'm far from the only one anxiously waiting for you to resolve your technical issues.
Glad you're back. Now I can do some catch-up reading. Where's that popcorn again?
Posted by: Lucinda at January 26, 2006 03:12 PM (OPvIN)
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I don't know if the gang is all here or not, but this lurker is
Posted by: k at January 26, 2006 03:24 PM (Gv2mF)
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I think your brave to change your life in midstream.
And your doing awesome. Your right, we can't see the future, but if we don't like the present, it's time to change that. Good for you. I want to be your neighbor.
Posted by: Melissa at January 26, 2006 03:50 PM (RcXdn)
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You're even showing up on Newsgator again!
BTW the site doesn't resemble goose poop at all.
Posted by: cursingmama at January 26, 2006 04:10 PM (uW9eJ)
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Yeah..old school...1998...It's amazing what can change in less than 10 years, eh?
Posted by: Grace at January 26, 2006 05:42 PM (L058b)
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Yay! You're back.
I actually really like the new design (no goose poop here.)
I've never managed to stay at one company long enough to have wayback machine conversations, when the bureaucratic silliness (you know, BS) gets too deep, I always seem to find myself changing jobs, so good for you for sticking and moving up and then having the courage to make a dramatic change like you are now.
Posted by: beth at January 27, 2006 12:32 AM (BuBkx)
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No time for long comment. Still love you!
Posted by: RP at January 27, 2006 02:15 AM (LlPKh)
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I'm a frequent reader and infrequent commenter who is very glad you're back. I'm quitting my IT job, too. This is the end of week 7 for me. My countdown is secret - I can't give more than 2 weeks or they'll haul me out. I'm gonna be an art teacher...who knew?
The real reason I'm commenting? I kid you not. I am absolutely telling the truth. I'm honest when I say that I was listening to THAT VERY CHICAGO SONG as I got out of my car at work this morning. I've been in a very 70s-Chicago mood of late and iTunes is my friend.
"...but I've got my job to do and I do it well."
Posted by: bev at January 27, 2006 02:21 AM (Tk9Rx)
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Bev SO wins the "Obscure reference to a Chicago tune" award - this was the song that I would listent to over and over when I went back on the road after Bear was born. It still makes me tear up...
Chicago › Wishing You Were Here
Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Heaven knows and lord it shows when IÂ’m away
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Same old show in a different town on another time
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Even though youÂ’re far away, youÂ’re on my mind
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
And IÂ’d like to change my life, and you know I would
Just to be with you tonight, baby, if I could
But IÂ’ve got my job to do, and I do it well,
So I guess thatÂ’s how it is.
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
On the road itÂ’s a heavy load, but IÂ’ll get by
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Pay the price, make a sacrifice, and still IÂ’ll try
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Posted by: Elizabeth at January 27, 2006 02:43 AM (ceeh7)
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I have just found your site around Christmas. I love, your style of writing. Checked out your site 2x a day to see if it was up and running!
It hurts my heart though, that you are going through so much right now.
Big hugs and wishes that things start to look up for you real soon.
-ashleigh
Posted by: ashleigh at January 27, 2006 02:44 AM (YBsSh)
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It gets worse in terms of synchronicity.
Again, I'm telling the absolute truth when I say that in my very cubicle are TWO 72Gb hard drives for our data server. If only I'd known you needed one! Well, they're for an HP Proliant 380, so they might not have done you any good...
(Got to install those before I go.)
Posted by: bev at January 27, 2006 02:51 AM (Tk9Rx)
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Bev, good thing I didn't know that yesterday - I would have shown up with a duffle bag!!
Posted by: Elizabeth at January 27, 2006 02:56 AM (ceeh7)
Posted by: jm at January 27, 2006 03:06 AM (Ianl7)
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Mind the Dust
Well, the good news is that at least the site is readable.
The bad news is that it looks like something that was shat out of a goose. And, oh yeah, only the main page is working so don't like, click anything.
Anyone know a good blog designer that works fast?
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Hi. Me. Yes.
Posted by: Cheryl at January 26, 2006 11:45 AM (BFoQ1)
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heh! Which one are you saying I'm not: good or fast? d:
Posted by: Anna at January 26, 2006 12:34 PM (LB2Dh)
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It looks/works good for me!
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 26, 2006 01:07 PM (uI/79)
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January 20, 2006
I'm going to save the world. And get in a nap.
I have been in a fugue state for weeks, and the quality of my writing has suffered, I know. The quality of my life has suffered. I hang on, a day at a time. And look forward to my life without Mega.
What's it like to be a SAHM? I remember, from being home with Bear until he was 6 months old, being utterly exhausted all the time.
Does it stay that way, now that he's walking and talking?
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Your Bear is in that state where it's amazing to be home. You can actually GO places with him. Art Museums. Zoos. Aquariums. Parks. Libraries. Or even walk through the neighborhood. No drama. Just. being. together.
Posted by: Grace at January 21, 2006 06:10 AM (L058b)
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Email me and I'll give you the straight skinny...
Posted by: Philip at January 21, 2006 08:55 AM (UheQ5)
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Sweetie E, time to move forward and go on with your new life.
You are not a coporate mommy anymore.
Prepare for the new....how about a new name for your blog!
Do what Grace suggests only not just with Bear...time to renew yourself...take this blog following you have on to a positive place...speak no more of Mega..it's truly time to move on...healthier for YOU!
(Kiss & ditch that cute chick ticker goodbye--now. We are ready for the new you!)
Hey, I speak from one making a big change in my life.
Go girl!
Posted by: Jody at January 21, 2006 01:20 PM (KDdOC)
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The beauty of being a SAHM is that you set your own schedule. You're the boss and you, of all people, will truly appreciate that. I think you'll enjoy it. Just set aside school time for your writing, if you can because girl, you are going places.
Posted by: Lucinda at January 26, 2006 03:14 PM (OPvIN)
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January 19, 2006
Baby Drunk
I am normally asleep hours ago, but the ghostly insomnia that haunts me in times of stress is back again. As I wait for the half an Ambien to kick in, my mind drifts and the television mumbles.
There is a show on Discovery about the Duggar family. I believe this former State Representative and his wife now have 16 children. On the internet, you can find their website - and as many articles as you care to read either condemning this conservative family for having so many children - and bad hairstyles. Or praising them for their neoconservative values and surrender to what they consider to be God's will.
It is clearly demonstrated that the Duggars can afford to take care of their children and parent them closely. The controversy, then, is not can these parents afford or manage all their children. It is simply the number of children themselves that seems to insult so many sensibilities.
But they inflamed mine.
While I don't play the "grass is greener" game, I did watch the Duggar family in a sort of thirsty awe. Such healthy, glowing babies.
What would it be like, to be pregnant so effortlessly? To walk out into the sunshine, large with child? What would it be like, to so simply conceive children?
Mrs. Duggar, holding the newest child in the crook of her arm, looked radiant. Say what you will of her girl-mullet, the joy in her face was louder.
And I wanted to reach out my hand to the screen, so baby drunk in that moment. Wishing I could touch, feel the lightness of the baby in my hands. Feel the new skin, listen to the soft rooting sounds, grin into the curious eyes.
Baby drunk. Baby drunk. And then the tiredness finally sets in.
I push the button. The screen fades to black. Now I will stumble to bed, and pray for happier dreams.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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((((Hug)))) Sweet dreams...
Posted by: Amber at January 19, 2006 08:53 PM (RIpBu)
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I saw that show too. Yikes. I feel sorry for the children in only one respect. They are baricaded away from society. They are not allowed to mix and mingle with other kids who don't share their family values. They aren't allowed any "different" points of view. Earth shattering!
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at January 20, 2006 03:27 AM (L67iN)
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it was kind of creepy to me. Like Mom and Dad were addicted to having babies.... regardless of whether or not they can give the kids wverything they need....
She looked like a junky getting a fix... Maybe I'm just cynical, but it really did creep me out.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 20, 2006 07:20 AM (uI/79)
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They fascinate me as well (the show seems to run on Discovery and TLC quite often - I've seen it more than once). While the strict fundamentalism of their lifestyle skeeves me out a bit, there is no denying they all look and act exceptionally happy.
Of course, the children haven't reached a rebellious age yet...it'll be interesting to see if any tell-all memoirs come out of that family.
Posted by: madrigalia at January 20, 2006 03:50 PM (TBzUs)
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Dear Sun
Dear Sun,
Whatever the fine people of Chicago did to piss you off, I think it is high time to forgive them. Not to get snippy on the matter, but I miss you and if I don't see you soon I am going to have a middling sized conniption.
The people of California can suck it up and share you. Frankly, their governor is just a bit to tanned around the brain as it is.
See you soon. Don't worry about calling first. I got some brand new margarita glasses we'll break out once you get here, so just come on over.
Thank you,
Elizabeth
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Yes, California is being selfish keeping the sun. Time for some light. Or hit a tanning bed and fake it!!1
Posted by: Melissa at January 19, 2006 04:58 PM (RcXdn)
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That's the one thing I could NOT handle about living anywhere else. The COLD. The SNOW. The heavy RAIN. And not seeing the sun for days on end. I would HAVE to get me one of those daylight lamps. Brrr....Hope you get to see the sun soon!
Posted by: Grace at January 20, 2006 12:41 AM (L058b)
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So you're saying that this lack of sun we're having here is not normal? I was wondering...
Although I'm still not sorry to be here instead of Los Angeles: I heard it was 92 there earlier this month. I have no problem giving that up for some gray and cold!
Posted by: Anna at January 20, 2006 02:41 AM (LB2Dh)
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I am currently in lovely Southern California on a business trip and while the sun is indeed out, I had to scrape the frost off of the rental car windows this morning. With a credit card. Ugh.
Posted by: jacque at January 20, 2006 03:55 AM (f6rEV)
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The line about the governor's brain tan killed me. I'll have to remember that one to use!
Posted by: Tammy at January 20, 2006 05:23 AM (M++hX)
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Having gone to college & grad school in Chicagoland, I have to say I don't miss that. Not one bit. Hope you get one of the rare sunny winter day soon! (Until then, I found full-spectrum lights to help me at least pretend it was sunny.
)
Posted by: beth at January 20, 2006 08:13 AM (BuBkx)
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January 18, 2006
A visit from my former self
(
Note: I never meant for this to be synchronistic to Helen's post today and wrote this completely unaware that she tackled similar themes - and much better than I. I recommend it!)
This morning we met with the head of Bear's Montessori school as well as the learning specialist who has been working with him.
Normally, when I approach these meetings, I fall apart. Because I am overweight.
People who have met me know this, I can't hide it. I am over 50 pounds overweight, and I have gained over half of those pounds since CD became Depressed. I can't even blame the pregnancy with Bear - although sitting on my fanny for 7 months atrophied every muscle in my body including my brain.
I was 20 pounds overweight when I married CD. I wore a size 14 wedding dress, off the rack. I was also, Oh Happy Day, bloated with stress and my period. (And you wonder why I don't post my wedding pictures. Heh.)
I can be 10 pounds overweight. I will wear a size 8/10/12 and carry those extra pounds in my stomach and my upper arms and a little waddle in my chin. But these can be addressed. After all, God gave us special underwear for the first and tailored shirts for the second and for the last, well, I had a waddle under my chin when I was in high school and weighed 105 pounds and wore a size 6. So that's a nip/tuck or suck it up situation.
I am built like a brick shithouse, as they used to say. I got boobs, too much. I got a pinched-in waist even now. And I got junk, and it's in my trunk, and I made peace with THAT a long time before J. LO thank you very much.
I have short curvy legs and short curvy arms and a dimple in my apple cheek. And the only way for me to look thin - like Bette Midler - is to be about 10 pounds underweight. That's when my hip bones jut out so much that I can't sleep on my stomach and my ribs stand out under a t-shirt.
I remember gaining the freshman 15 and having to buy a size 8 pair of jeans and sitting on the dressing room floor, sobbing so hard that the saleslady asked if there was someone she could call to help me.
I was 120 pounds, and disgusted with myself. In a frenzy of self-loathing I would pinch myself, hunting fat everywhere - at the sides of my breasts and under my arms and between my ribs.I would push on my thighs and cry when I saw how grotesque they looked. My mother would chide me to cut back on dessert and I would stomp away, terrified of my own digestive system and angry with her for saying it our loud.
I decided to do something I had never done before - diet. The summer after my sophmore year of college, I gave myself 500 calories a day and excersized at least an hour or two every morning and afternoon. Then I would bundle up in soft, draping clothes already sizes too big and despise my reflection in the mirror.
The battle became my life. To this day, I look back at pictures of me and realize I was beautiful in my skin and gasp when I remember how scared I was of getting fat.
But I still can't turn off the tape inside my head. The one that says other people are lovely and wonderful no matter their size - but for me, there is a different set of rules.
At 50 pounds overweight, in a pair of size 20 jeans, I hate my body. I look away when I get out of the shower. I hide from meeting new people.
But for my son, I will do anything. So I got up, took a shower, blew dry my hair, and put on clothes. I sat at the table with un-manicured hands and no make-up and dressed well and I got to business.
It was the first time in years that I didn't walk through the door feeling apologetic for how I looked.
Appearance was always so important in my family, in a New England sort of way. To be dressed nicely, but not fashionable. To be well groomed, but not 'done up'. To be naturally attractive and glowing with good health and boast a trim, active body.
I have realized over the years that I don't want to be attractive in a New England sort of way. I like some honey glints in my hair and my eyebrows waxed by someone who isn't me (I am terrorist with a pair of tweezers. What I have done to my left eyebrow - on numerous occasions- is a crime against women everywhere). At my natural weight, when I feel healthy, I wear a size 10. I have a lush body, with cream and pink skin, and my full lips were made for gloss.
And kissing.
But right now I am still 50 pounds away from that. And I have let that weight interfere with how I live.
Until today. Today I forgot about my looks, forgot to be self-conscious, forgot lose my self-esteem at the door, and just had the meeting. It wasn't until I got home and my friend was complimenting the cut of my jeans that I realized what had happened.
Last night, I looked inside and saw all the darkness that I am fighting. All the anger and resentment and stress that has built up in a swarm slamming inside my soul. And then, this morning, a visit from my former self. The one who used to walk talk at 5 foot 2 inches. I used to love being female, with a Marilyn Monroe body. I used to feel confident in my skin, and that meant I could focus on other things.
I am not sure how it happened, because it was a crappy kind of morning before the meeting. And the meeting itself actually wasn't all that productive. But then, I was sitting in my office sorting through my work mail and I realized that I had never had my panic attack this morning - the one I have before meeting someone new about my first impression as "a fat girl".
And then I remembered before. When this is how it used to be.
And I wonder, I mean, just a little bit... if maybe somehow I can become OK with this body even as I finally give myself the time and energy to get healthier. If maybe, in facing the darkness, there is a path to the joy of my former self.
Maybe.
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Huzzah to you for not finding your inner critic this morning. I too, am panicky and ashamed when I have to meet new people, being 80 pounds overweight. I imagine that every waitress is thinking that I should be ordering hot water with lemon instead of actual food. I'd like a moment like you had today...good for you, CM.
Posted by: Anna at January 18, 2006 07:08 AM (LB2Dh)
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It's amazing how much of our self esteem is tied up with that image we face each morning in the mirror. My body has gone through drastic changes since I was that 125lb college student who still though she was fat, when really I was a bit under a healthy weight for me. I've had three babies, nursed them all, have ended up around 35lbs overweight with boobs the size of well, just way too huge (and saggy). My husband loves my body, me, not so much. I stare in the mirror in my bathroom wondering how my husband could find me attractive. I stare in the mirror during yoga class thinking how disgusting I must look to all the other women in the class (at my all women's gym)--even though I'm there doing something about it. Sigh, it's hard to separate the outside from the inside.
Posted by: A.K. at January 18, 2006 08:24 AM (fSoFs)
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I think the interesting thing about having a Career is that so much energy is dedicated to it that it often serves to distract us from thinking about out other "issues". Now that you are leaving Mega, you're having to face all of these issues, and it's understandably overwhelming.
It's like when I quit smoking, I really wondered how I would ever *deal* with all the stresses of life ... and now, almost 5 years later, I am amazed that I have been able to, without my beloved Marlboro Lights, but I have, indeed, been able to.
And you will too.
Posted by: Monica C. at January 18, 2006 09:09 AM (gkN3L)
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Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and soft. All the sex symbols of her time were "soft". None of this toned, zero body fat, tight muscle, no jiggle, skinny bony girls you see today.
Marilyn Monroe is still worshiped as a Sex symbol.
Auntie Marfa
Posted by: Auntie Marfa at January 18, 2006 09:10 AM (/qtT1)
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Here's the funny thing, all of my life I have been overweight. I came out at 8 pounds and never looked back, and yet I can't relate to you and Helen on this. I've never had that kind of image problem. Maybe because I don't know anything else and it's a foregone conclusion that when people look at me they see a big girl. But ya' know, I always kinda hope they see a funny, smart girl, rather than a fat girl or a short girl or a brown haired girl.
Anyway, the point is that it doesn't have to be that way, you can be the same sexy, confident woman at 175 that you were at 125, it's all about how the inside shows on the outside, and I hope you can carry a piece of how you felt today with you when next you feel anxious about how others percieve you physically. After all, it's YOUR body. Not anyone else's.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 18, 2006 11:37 AM (/vgMZ)
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O-M-G. THIS POST says exactly what I have been trying to explain to my husband for 10 years. My meeting someone panic attacks, my self doubt about my size - all of it.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou! I am going too print this out and use it as a basis for him understanding some of my deepest darkest issues and as a stepping stone for a breakthrough myself!
Posted by: Flikka at January 18, 2006 02:19 PM (puvdD)
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(((HUGS))) I think you WILL find that special place within yourself to be OK of however you look on the outside. It comes slowly if you are open to it...
Posted by: Angela Giles Klocke at January 19, 2006 01:44 AM (mdQBB)
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Wow. I can so relate. You put it just beautifully. Congratulations for having a moment - even if it was only just for today (but here's hoping it continues tomorrow) - where you can be ok with yourself. Cause if that's you in those pictures - you're beautiful. No matter what the size. It's been a while since I've had a good moment like that - and I think maybe I'm a little more inspired to try harder to get there again after reading your thoughts. Thanks.
Posted by: beth at January 19, 2006 02:00 AM (BuBkx)
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Girl, you have got an awful lot of stuff on the table right now. Lots of changes in your life with work, marriage stuff, parenting, etc. I would shelve this whole topic for a while and deal with it a little later when things are more stable around you. You can't pull every single issue in your life out at once and think you can survive it. This one is not pressing - it will wait until later.
From where I sit, I am still concerned about the things you expressed in your last post. When I told a therapist once that when there was a deadline, my (depressed) husband would HAVE to do something (like CD needing to look for a better job as your transition approaches), she said "Not everyone is like you. Some people 'run to the roar' (i.e. attack things head-on), others simply freeze and become paralyzed." That has always stuck with me and reminded me that I can't expect everyone to react the way I do. CD isn't wired the way you are, and deals with pressure differently. Please be careful that he isn't internalizing all this stress which could actually provoke another depressive episode. Fair? Not one bit, but reality nonetheless.
Is CD getting any ongoing help/therapy/support or is he on his own? People who struggle with depression often maintain some of the same mindset/tendencies even when they are not actually in the midst of the depression itself. Does he have coping skills in place to deal with some of the triggers? Don't fool yourself that your anger and resentment aren't evident to him. I hope that you two have a stronger sense of togetherness and teamwork than was evident in that post because you are going to need it to weather the challenges that lie ahead.
If you aren't sure things are where they need to be, you can defer leaving Mega a little bit until you feel more prepared. Or not. I just fear that you are going to trade one set of stressors for another. And trust me, being a SAHM (while a worthy goal) is not instant nirvana. All you have to do is read some of the MANY blogs written by them to see that.
Posted by: Amy at January 19, 2006 06:28 AM (sJ+B/)
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Wow. What a well done piece of writing! The black and white shot of you is stunning, you know. Absolutely gorgeous. Thank you for giving me something to think about today, which until now had been a day I vowed to consume nothing but tea.
Posted by: Ta at January 19, 2006 09:44 AM (M++hX)
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Elizabeth -
I'm sorry, I've been lurking around your blog for so long when it comes to commenting I get a bit tongue tied...but this I wanted to help with if I could.
My husband has been receiving treatment for anxiety/depression for more than 9 years now. It effects everything in our lives and I think, though I hate to place blame, because I have to always be the strong one...the one that has to keep all the balls from dropping...my weight was an issue too. I'm 5'8" & have finally got back into a size 18 down from a 22 (only because I found out I have type II diabetes) but what I want to say is that I'm finally FINALLY ok with my body. This is me...I am beautiful, I am strong, I am comfortable.
The world be damned. Love yourself Elizabeth just for who you are...from everything I've read here & from that black & white picture above...you are strong & beautiful too. In that love you will find a way to be healthier...mentally, emotionally, & physically. When your ok with yourself, you treat yourself better. Take it from the girl who made peace with her body & afterwards lost almost 40 pounds. I've got a ways to go still but honestly, I don't care.
Posted by: Nicole at January 19, 2006 11:21 AM (iInZX)
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If you think you don't want to accept your body and you want some help to lose weight, Weight Watchers is highly effective. Maybe when you leave Mega you'll have more time to concentrate on yourself. I have tried WW twice (successfully) in my life. It's amazing the motivation it gives you when someone else weighs you once a week!
Posted by: Linda at January 19, 2006 02:17 PM (Z/zN3)
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Ah Well! I'm a size 12 and built broad. When I'm not exercising (like now) I'm a size 14. No matter what I do, I will always be a size 12 thanks to my wide shoulders and gigantic boobs. I've always hated my body and I have gory, horrible plans of going under the scalpel. Then, I just lose the nerve. I don't think you look bad at all. You look cute and cuddly.
Posted by: plumpernickel at January 20, 2006 07:20 AM (/RNvc)
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I think you are very pretty.
It's one of the greatest rip-offs in this culture that our bodies are forced to fit the whims of our minds. I'm not saying that you shouldn't work toward whatever weight is comfortable, but the stigma of being overweight, both self-imposed and from others, really needs to disappear.
And for the record- I am 5'9 and 140 pounds. To some people (and some clothing stores!) this falls on the heavy side. To others, it's quite slim. To me, it's perfect. Well, sure, I could lose 20 pounds again, but that was because I was too freaked out to eat. For months. Not a good diet plan.
Do what it takes to make yourself feel healthy and pretty.
Posted by: madrigalia at January 20, 2006 03:59 PM (TBzUs)
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And plumpernickel - I'm [a] broad, too!
Posted by: madrigalia at January 20, 2006 04:01 PM (TBzUs)
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January 17, 2006
The Darkness Inside
There is a darkness in me these days.
I want to write, but my words seems stuck in a single groove of the record.
I am afraid.
I am angry.
I am angry at CD for not finding a job that pays what he knows he needs to make. For not hustling harder. For waiting until the last minute. Mere weeks before we lose my income. Knowing that if he doesn't support us, we'll have to sell the house or else have me go back to work. I have been saving him so long that I suspect, in my darkness, that he's just waiting for me to do it again.
I am angry at my co-workers, the ones on this fucking nightmare of an assignment. Especially the management. For treating people with such an utter lack of respect and dignity. For treating me as if I were a problem because I had the gall to file a complaint. I am pissed that I even care. But sometimes I think that my heart is my strength. I care. I CARE. It's part of what gives me power in my world, my heart beating strong. And I care. So it hurts.
I am angry at my child, for acting out. He's confused about what is happening, and I bet he is scared to. And it makes me furious at myself for snapping at him when he yells at me for eating his half of a donut when I was hungry, the donut I stopped and got for him as a treat and he never said thank you. I know he's a little kid, and that my expectations are way out of line. I make myself crazy not knowing if I should enforce the high expectations I always have or let it slide that he is so whiny these days, full of sudden tears and bouts of callous selfishness.
I am angry that I don't know what to do.
And then into this miasma of frustration and tension, I get angry at CD again. And at myself for giving me away for so long. To save him or enable him, I don't know where the line is anymore.
I don't know how far I will go.
I don't know what I will do to meet the darkness in me and find my light again.
I don't know how many times I will snap back at perfectly nice people who make the mistake of stepping on my last nerve.
I don't know what I will do if I am forced to sell the house. If I have that much forgiveness in me.
Actually I know the answer to that one.
I am fighting to save my marriage, my health, my wellbeing, my ability to parent. Against a darkness that has clung too long.
And I don't know if I will win.
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I don't know if there is such a thing as winning the struggle for health, wellbeing, good parenting or in achieving a good marriage. I know for myself, staying in the fight and in a position to continue with the struggle is enough and there is virtue and honor in that.
Posted by: Tracey at January 17, 2006 10:20 AM (EnUzw)
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that you blog about it with such clarity makes me think that you definitely can win. **fingers crossed & warm wished **
Posted by: helene at January 17, 2006 01:02 PM (C3gFB)
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You definitely are on the right track. Knowing your problems is half the battle.
Hugs.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 17, 2006 01:16 PM (/vgMZ)
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You are stretching and growing and shedding the suit of armor that's been weighing you down. And even though it was more that you could carry, there is comfort in the routine and the emotional stagnancy of existing just below the happiness line. There is a reason you have that counter at the top of the page. Extending the project end date again will only prolong the misery...so hold your ground and remember that if you are so valuable to the project then they owe you the respect you deserve.
You will celebrate soon. Remember, you are moving forward. Just because you don't have a map of exactly where you will end up does not mean you will end up in disaster. One step at a time is all you can take...
Take care of yourself and forgive the half-donut. Bear won't remember it tomorrow and sometimes you just deserve the damn donut.
Carrie
Posted by: Carrie at January 17, 2006 02:38 PM (w1HQN)
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Stop. Breathe. Pray.
Hand your worries over. This is bigger than you. You know why it's consuming you. You can't handle this alone.
Elizabeth, we don't know what lies in our future, but the Bible says we'll never be given more than we can handle. I'm worried about you. I hope that you find that parachute you need before you hit the ground. And I'm not talking about another job.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at January 17, 2006 03:03 PM (T/CTF)
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I feel your pain. I have lifed that life and it's exhausting mentally and physically. Pray about it and keep moving forward. When you move backward, your letting the enemy win. You will survive.
And get more donuts. Life doesn't have enough donuts.
Posted by: Melissa at January 17, 2006 03:41 PM (RcXdn)
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your strength IS your heart. I wish I had answers for you. I just have faith that things will get better, and I have faith in you.
Hugs.
Posted by: laura at January 17, 2006 04:33 PM (FzMzF)
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Oh, darling: You will survive this and you will come out stronger. Please lean on all of those who love you and they will be there for you!
Have faith. Don't let fear get in the way of what you KNOW is right for you and your family.
Posted by: Sol at January 18, 2006 01:31 AM (2qH2H)
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Bitches. Of The Corporate Variety.
Warning: This is a post where I am going to swear, so stop now if it offends you. Or not. Whatever. I'm not here to tell you what to do - I got my own shit to worry about.
Yesterday sucked.
It started with a phone call from one of my co-workers.
I'm going to say right now that I am not a sexist, I don't give a hot shit the gender of the people I work with - or the shape, size, color, sexual orientation, religion, or level of sarcasm.
I even understand that sometimes smart people choose to go to non-Jesuit Universities for their education and while that baffles the crap out of me I don't discriminate against them because they obviously didn't know better.
So when I call this woman a bitch, please understand that it is because she is a bitch. She'll talk to you like she's buttering you up for something but watch out, because the moment you look away - she'll get you. She's nasty.
She's like the scorpion who's ferried by the frog across the lake and kills the frog halfway there - dooming them both. This woman finds trouble because that's what she does. There is no reason for it, no rhyme to it.
And she never lets up.
Someone who is dotted-line reporting to me, but not a member of my beloved Tan Pants Brigade, did something. Something dumb (you know, like realizing your fly is down?), but human, and our customer wasn't effected.
Bitch was the one who saw it happen.
She could have handled it 1 of 2 ways - she could have leaned in and whispered to the guy "Hey, your fly is down".
OR she could have done what she did, which was to call a meeting of everyone that would come to discuss the possible sexual harassment implications of the guy's fly being down and the possible insult it could have meant to our customer.
This is the kind of politics I abhor. And the kind of human beings that exist everywhere and give the rest of us a bad name.
I hardly know the guy who made the mistake. For all I know, he's a dog molester. But he's mine to deal with. My guy. So I had to head into the breach.
Cancel the meeting, I told her.
Why? She asked, all sweet and patronizing.
Because it was a dumb one-time mistake, and no one will learn anything from discussing it except that we're the types who get caught up in the small shit instead of keeping our eye on the big picture, I said.
The customer is counting on me to be honest with them. That is the most important relationship here, she insisted.
The guy's fly was down, you think that is something the customer considers important? They never saw it and it didn't have a flipping thing to do with his job performance, I countered.
I decide what's important for the customer, she snapped, hanging up on me.
A few hours later, I get a call from the guy's solid-line supervisor telling me that he was disappointed to hear that I reported this employee for having a fly at half-mast.
Fuck. No.
I clearly, succinctly laid out the situation. And, of course, he asked me to do what I could to resolve things.
Sighing, I hung up and tried to plan my next move.
No matter what path I had walked the past 5 years - I would have bumped into a few Bitches over the years. If not in corporate America then as a room parent at Bear's school or answering the phones at the community center.
But the corporate variety? Gives me hives.
This is not Schadenfreude - that kind of 'told you so!' thrill we all get sometimes.
This is just power-crazed Nasty with a capital 'N'. Bitches who think nothing of what they do to a person's dignity, or their own souls. Who lie, manipulate, and maneuver just to get the momentary sick thrill of making themselves feel all pompous and big by making someone else small.
I just, I dunno....
But.
No, I still don't know.
I hate dealing with them.
Hate it. Hate it. It just gets to me. Every time.
Then the bitch called me after lunch, wanting to talk to me about something. "Have you canceled the meeting yet?" I asked her.
She spluttered that she had no intention of...
"Right," I interrupted. "Here's the thing..." And I admit, from there I made some veiled threats about the opinion our Exec. VP would have on the situation.
"You wouldn't take this up the line," she responded, sounding pretty sure of the fact.
"Your call," I sighed. "I'm hanging up now."
And I did.
I don't know if I would have actually walked this around; I just had to hope she saw that there would be no winners if I did.
A few hours later, I got the meeting cancellation notice. I was shutting down for the night, exhausted, and it slipped into my inbox. "Due to schedule conflicts, we'll address agenda items in the regular weekly customer reviews."
Doubletalk that meant she was letting it go. I felt a small wave of relief and then moved on.
Or tried to.
An instant message flashed onto my screen. From her. "Have informed guy's direct-report supervisor that he's no longer welcome on this project due to customer dissatisfaction. This account released him at Close of Business today."
It wasn't hers to have done it. It was mine. But she was having the last word. As the customer relations rep, she was flexing every ounce of inferred power. Posing for the adoring masses in her mind.
If his supervisor couldn't find another account for him to work with no notice, he'd probably be laid off. His salary and benefits gone. Even best case scenario, the guy's career, at the very least, would take a small hit.
I could have gone to the mattresses. I might even have won. But there's another 50 guys out there counting on me to fight another day.
Feeling tired and defeated, I simply shut it down for the night.
Bitch.
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January 16, 2006
Martin Luther King Day
So I was explaining to Bear about Martin Luther King while we waited in line at the water park.
Wait, let me back up.
Once upon a time, in our pre-Bear days, CD and I had volunteered for a business trip to Memphis. We drove down from dreary Chicago, into the hot sun.
In between visiting the ducks that waddle to the elevator at the Peabody Hotel and checking out the glorious kitsch that is Graceland, we visited the Lorraine Hotel (now a museum) - where Martin Luther King was killed.
We entered happy tourists; we left thoughtful and sad. I don't think, until we stood on the spot where he was shot, that either of us had ever really let the enormity of the Civil Rights Movement and Dr. King's impact on the world really inhabit either of our consciousnesses. I mean, I know from my perspective I always just took him for granted as an American icon.
But he wasn't an icon, he was a man. Flawed and real and that much more amazing to think of it. Dr. King was only 39 years old when he died. He changed the world in such a short life. 35 when he won the Nobel Peace Prize. The night before he was shot, he'd given the "I've been to the mountain top" speech, that so resonated with mortality, with wisdom, with perseverance, with righteousness. And, as so many have noted, with a prescient text that still reverberts today:
Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.
I told Bear that Dr. King had lived in a time when how you looked determined where you could live, and where you could go, even what jobs you could have. I told him that Dr. King had walked in the front row of a revolution, that he had said that all people are equal, are humans. That he'd said that all people are sisters and brothers and should share the planet in peace, with opportunity for all.
We were waiting in line at the indoor water park when we were finishing up our conversation. Bear looked around.
He asked: Like this water park?
I said: Yes, like they had rules who would be allowed here.
He looked at me, completely and utterly disbelieving.
It's true, I assured him. When Dr. King was born, they had rules and it was all about how you looked on the outside. And the police put Dr. King in jail 30 times for saying that people should stick together, and protect each other's rights, and never be judged for what they are on the outside.
Bear reached up an touched his bright copper hair tentatively. His expression thoughtful, he glanced at all the people standing in line - people of every kind of description.
And as Bear lost himself in thought, I realized that in the pantheon of my parenting decisions - introducing Bear to the concept of racism and the Civil Rights movement while in line at a water park may have not been the brightest parenting decision I had ever made.
But then Bear huffed out a breath and gave me that deeply wise 5-year-old nod and said: Mommy, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
And I knew he got it.
Happy 75th Birthday, Dr. King.
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There is nothing quite like the optimism of a four and five year-old. Seriously. They just know anyone is capable of doing anything they want to do. All they have to do is try.
And really -- is there anything wrong with that way of thinking? I don't think so.
Hug your sweet, sweet Bear a little tighter tonight for me.
All my love,
M
Posted by: Margi at January 16, 2006 01:37 PM (nwEQH)
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The truth is never wrong. You explained it brilliantly. And your son, being the bright boy that he is, understood your meaning.
Great job!
Posted by: Nicole at January 16, 2006 01:48 PM (iInZX)
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Coming out of Lurkville to say!
BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO
That was very touching and you Rock for introducing it at a water park (wink).
Goddess
Posted by: goddess at January 16, 2006 03:25 PM (TdVVN)
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Or maybe it was the brightest parenting decision you ever made.
Well, it would be hard to choose the brightest, anyway.
And, he got it.
Posted by: Laura at January 17, 2006 03:50 AM (FzMzF)
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Your little Bear is so awesome! I think that line was the BEST place to talk about this topic. He saw all different kinds of people around him. Probably made him think how different it would have been if only the 'same' kind were around him. Great job Elizabeth!
Posted by: Grace at January 17, 2006 09:30 AM (L058b)
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January 12, 2006
Cliff Jumping
I work with some of the greatest people in Corporate America. For example, one of the engineers called me today:
Him: You're really leaving?
Me: Yep.
Him: So where are you going? "Competitor Corporation"?
Me: Uh, no. Actually, it's not really...
Him: Oh, you're not. You ARE, aren't you?
Me: Uh...
Him: You're cliff-diving, aren't you? With no parachute!
Me: If you mean that I don't have another full-time job lined up...
Him: Just taking it on faith, huh?
Me: I guess you could say that.
Him: Wow. You know what, Elizabeth?
Me: Uh, what?
Him: That is totally cool. I wish you luck.
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You know what, he speaks for me, too, on this one.
Posted by: rp at January 12, 2006 02:04 PM (fWrQ6)
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and me. You really do rock!
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 12, 2006 02:30 PM (uI/79)
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It IS totally cool. You rock.
Posted by: Veeg at January 12, 2006 03:09 PM (gR0r8)
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No argument from me - you TOTALLY rock!
Posted by: Flikka at January 12, 2006 05:27 PM (tbRoA)
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Talk about hitting the nail on the head. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2006 12:55 AM (tyQ8y)
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It's amazing when EVERY normal person you work with understands & supports you. What's wrong with HR & Management??? And that engineer? He is SO on target...you are 'totally cool'.
Posted by: Grace at January 13, 2006 03:29 AM (L058b)
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You know, I love the Tan Pants Brigade. Totally. With passion, even.
And he's right. You ARE cool. The COOLEST, even.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at January 13, 2006 03:39 AM (nwEQH)
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He's right on the money.
Posted by: A.K. at January 13, 2006 09:46 AM (fSoFs)
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Corporate Mommy: A BELATED HAPPY NEW YEAR, SINCE I WAS OFF LINE DUE TO COMPUTER TROUBLE! Best to you!!
Posted by: MICHAEL MANNING at January 14, 2006 07:14 AM (sPh81)
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Every time I read your blog lately, I'm reminded that courage is doing what you know is right, even if you are afraid.
You are very courageous.
Posted by: paige at January 14, 2006 08:00 AM (tyiG0)
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I'm just taking a moment to thank you and your entourage for considering AOGB for a BOB.
Posted by: Janet at January 14, 2006 04:45 PM (Zwltm)
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I know...
what if you instituted a manditory dress code for HR and management???
TAN PANTS.
What a concept! What an attitude adjustment!
Ok, I know, I'm an unrealistic dreamer.
They wouldn't be caught dead in tan pants.
Posted by: laura at January 16, 2006 11:51 AM (FzMzF)
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January 11, 2006
Angelina's Uterus
OK, so they confirmed the world's most watched uterus is, indeed,
occupied .
There's isn't a single punch line I can come up with here that's even remotely tasteful. Seriously. I got like, a million, or so that come flying into my mind but my mom reads this blog, so... dude. I gotta pass. Even though it's killing me. Aiy-yi-yi.
So I'll just say mazel tov, and leave it at that.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
02:17 PM
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Can you believe how terrible they were at keeping their relationship secret?
Regardless, that's going to be one HOT kid. I'm going to go turn myself into the police now - for making that statement.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at January 11, 2006 03:36 PM (T/CTF)
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Sometimes the jokes just write themselves....
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 11, 2006 04:40 PM (uI/79)
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All I can say is EWWWW. They deserve each other, really.
Posted by: Melissa at January 11, 2006 06:41 PM (RcXdn)
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Delurking here in honor of "delurking week". Found you through the sock girl and have been pulling for you ever since! Good luck with the remaining 29 days!
Posted by: jacque at January 12, 2006 08:22 AM (DQjJA)
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Yeah, I put a post up (stolen from Borowitz) about how People Magazine took one look at the ultrasound and declared it "World's Most Beautiful Fetus"
Then I was surfing and another gossip site has them with TWINS. God help us...
Posted by: ben at January 12, 2006 04:28 PM (m/+G7)
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Well. You know. Lives of the rich, famous, and way too good looking. All that jazz.
So, how long do y'all think the relationship will last?
That kid will grow up to write a best-selling autobiography.
Posted by: laura at January 16, 2006 11:56 AM (FzMzF)
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January 10, 2006
Stiff Upper Something
I spoke with my management today. I got out the indelible, permanent ink, big, honking marker and I said -
time to fix an end date.
We used to be so friendly, you know. We used to chat. But the last 6 months has marked me, subtly. I am no longer the Golden One.
She exhaled, and agreed. She asked if I was going to stick it out.
The end date originally chosen was the big milestone for my project - the 3rd week of January. But then a bunch of people saw the new casino we were building and wanted in on the deal. (Yes, euphemism. It's actually an Ice Cream shop. Ah! I'm lying again! Stop me!!!)
The Army of the Tan Pants is counting on me, so I knew before she asked what I was going to do.
I'm staying until the new customers are integrated, and the initial inspection date, I told her. But no longer. You'll have to find a new deputy to shadow me and handle the inevitible delays and corrections.
But you'll stay until the initial inspection date? She asked.
And I said, yes. I will.
And we got the paperwork from Human Resources and filled in the date - February 10.
And despite the fact that I just floored the car heading towards financial ruin...
I can breathe.
And it feels fine.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
01:08 PM
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Wow. Feb. 10th. Deep breaths, girl. You can do it! I'm rooting for you.
Posted by: Lucinda at January 10, 2006 01:24 PM (OPvIN)
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See, good news!
Hooray!
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 10, 2006 05:14 PM (uI/79)
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Well, I'll be celebrating that day for SURE! Cuz, it's you know, my birthday and all.
Heh.
You did it! I love big, honking permanent ink markers.
)
Posted by: Margi at January 10, 2006 05:43 PM (nwEQH)
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I'm glad you can breath. I hope things get better.
Posted by: Melissa at January 10, 2006 07:42 PM (RcXdn)
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Excellent news, just excellent. Financial ruin to one side, it sure can feel nice to put the windows down, crank up the radio, and hit the open road. I'm glad for you.
Posted by: RP at January 11, 2006 02:06 AM (LlPKh)
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Breathe as much as you'd like -- air is free!
You will be awesome, Elizabeth. You will find the "you" that you'd like to be again. And you will love the time with Bear.
Posted by: Veeg at January 11, 2006 03:16 AM (gR0r8)
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My final day at the company is approaching fast as well and I know exactly how you feel. I am half the time elated at the possibility of never coming back and then scared to death what will mean for us financially.
We have to believe. It has to be great. It will mean a somewhat different lifestyle but not necessary bad. Just different. We will relax, adjust and enjoy the kids and look back a year from now and say.. "why was I so worried about this?"
Much love to you and yours.
Posted by: Sol at January 11, 2006 06:54 AM (2qH2H)
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Good for you! Try to enjoy your last few weeks wearing work clothes, seeing other adults, and all that.
Posted by: T at January 11, 2006 09:53 AM (M++hX)
Posted by: flikka at January 11, 2006 09:55 AM (tbRoA)
Posted by: madrigalia at January 11, 2006 02:47 PM (TBzUs)
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T minus 29 and counting, babe
Posted by: Helen at January 12, 2006 03:13 AM (vNDkl)
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Not much longer.
Posted by: A.K. at January 12, 2006 04:39 AM (fSoFs)
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Okay. February 11 is the day you begin your full time writing career. Please.
Wishfully thinking,
I remain,
Your fan,
GraceD
Posted by: GraceD at January 12, 2006 05:19 AM (wO4MV)
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Hurrah!!
Take deep breaths. That's the air of FREEDOM, baby.
Sometimes it helps when that stake finally goes into the ground, marking the spot.
There. Dust off your hands and keep going, don't look back.
Posted by: paige at January 12, 2006 09:28 AM (RoUnS)
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January 09, 2006
2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back
Saturday was just about perfect.
After he got home from Karate, my waiter, Monsieur Bear, arrived at my bedside with his Spiderman clipboard and his Crayola Marker to take my breakfast order.
I sleepily requested eggs, scrambled. What I got was half a fruit rollup, and a fascinating array of snack foods including popcorn (CD was drafted to help there). And a glass of ice water in a flower vase.
Delicious, really.
But even that elegant sufficiency and the comfort of our sea of bedclothes and pillows weren't enough to keeps us inside for long. And off we ventured into the wild blue yonder of... downtown Oak Park.
We hit the diner for a second breakfast. While Bear flirted easily with the waitress (batting his baby blues and tossing them his famous crooked grin), CD and I dug into a meal that reminded us why we don't eat at diners much - oy, the grease.
Then we happily walked into the blustery wind of the umpteenth (rough approximation) of steely, windy weather. We ducked into the paint-a-plate place, something we'd never done before (although Happy Montessori has happily engaged Bear in ceramics before). Whiled away a warm hour engrossed in colors and textures as we fumbled our paintbrushes onto naked forms. Amateurish with bright colors and sloppy technique, we cheerfully forked over a king's ransom to have them all fired over the next week.
Bear, meanwhile, was done with his projects fairly quickly and had time left over as CD and I finished ours to make conversation with the staff, chat with some classmates who happened by, and carefully replace our paints to their rightful spots.
Afterwards, we strolled along, window shopping, until finally ducking into an ice cream shop with windblown hair and big eyes. In front of us, they blended the ice cream with candy bars or chocolate chips. The result was such a rich yummy dessert that neither Bear nor I could manage even half our small cups.
(CD manfully was able to demolish his.)
It was dust when we got home, but not too late for a long winter's nap.
I was struck by how nice the day had been. How we'd enjoyed each other's company had so much fun - laughing and creating and walking in the breezes.
Then today...
Wait.
No. I have decided to stop here. For the next 24 hours, there will only be good news. Agreed? Can we all get together on that one?
OK, then.
Thank you.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
01:26 PM
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Coldstone Creamery. *sigh* I had my first taste of such decadence just prior to being diagnosed as gestationally diabetic.
Those damnable ice cream cones haunt my dreams.
LOL!!
And file this in the FWIW Bin: post what you want, when you want, IF you want. Your blog, honey. Your rules. xoxo
Posted by: Margi at January 09, 2006 05:15 PM (nwEQH)
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Uh oh.
Hope it's going to be okay....
Posted by: Krisco at January 09, 2006 07:25 PM (xksTj)
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We must be on the same wave length- trying to create calmness and serenity. I asked the Accountant if we could go do some painting of ceramics of our own this weekend. No running, screaming, craziness. Just calm, quiet, peaceful quality time. We are going Saturday morning. I'll let you know if I have the same close to perfect day. I like the idea of only good stuff for the next 24, we all need that from time to time. Hang in there Mommy your doing good, even if you cna't see it.
Posted by: The Diva at January 10, 2006 02:28 AM (hapBw)
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sounds great! especially the good news thing
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 10, 2006 08:21 AM (uI/79)
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Sounds like a truly wonderful day. Keep it close in your memory so you can pull it up and refresh yourself as needed!
Posted by: Tammy at January 10, 2006 09:55 AM (M++hX)
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Oh, how I love Oak Park! In my imagination, you and CD and Bear are out walking past one Wright house after another... but I do remember that there's more to the town than that.
I'm glad y'all had a good day, Elizabeth. May there be many more.
Posted by: Kimberly at January 10, 2006 11:23 AM (CXd4V)
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Thanks for sharing your moment of happiness! It certainly made me smile.
Posted by: madrigalia at January 10, 2006 11:49 AM (TBzUs)
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Aaah, I feel better just reading about that kind of day....
Posted by: Lucinda at January 10, 2006 01:23 PM (OPvIN)
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January 06, 2006
And you want to beat it up until it is dead, bury it, dig it up, and beat it up again...
For a long time, I wouldn't say it out loud or even on my blog because we didn't talk about it.
Clinical Depression.
My husband got sick. But you couldn't diagnose it with Cat Scans or Pet Scans or even Dog Scans cuz it wasn't some crazy mutant microbe that you could point at and say "Hey! Lois! Lookie here! I found the problem! This microbe is wearing pink pantaloons and carrying an itsy bitsy 12-gauge shotgun! Let's nuke it!"
No, not that cut and dried. It was just, well, a dark cloud that settled over him and into him and then, you know, the world fell apart. And in a blink of an eye our safe little world was shattered. Trashed. Incinerated. Buh-bye.
There's a commercial out right now that talks about Depression and where does it hurt... let me tell you where it hurts: everywhere.
Clinical Depression Sucks.
It looks on the outside, to a casual observer like... uh, a wife... it looks like sullenness, and laziness, and helplessness. It looks like lies. It looks like immaturity and anger and nastiness and insomnia. It looks like disgust. It looks like love turned into an enemy. But don't worry - it doesn't just hate you - it turns on its own host.
It turned on the man I loved.
It made him ugly to himself, and to me.
Clinical Depression is evil. I want it to take shape and form so I can beat the living crap out of it. I want to kill it dead and then revive it, so I can kill it again.
But life's not that easy. Because Clinical Depression seeps into the bones, it exaggerates a person's weaknesses and undermines their strengths and it was impossible to delineate when it was the depression talking because it was always CDÂ’s lips that were saying the words.
I take a lot of flak for how frightened I am to leave Mega.
Part of my fear comes from years of having to hang on so tight to this job. My fingers have no memory anymore of how to let go. This job, this health insurance, was all that has stood between us and ruin. I was lucky to do well at it, but that's beside the point - I was taking care of two people, one of whom was a helpless toddler and the other one was in a life-or-death battle that I didn't understand. This job was the only way I knew how to Make Things All Right.
So what now? Where is my money-back guarantee that if I walk away, things will be OK? Why isn't there some kind of scan or test that CD could take so I would know that the Clinical Depression won't come out of the shadows to destroy us?
I am scared. I am so scared that I can barely sleep. That I eat a bottle of Tums each day. That I cry in the shower. I am scared.
I've talked to my friends, CD, a counselor, my doctor. Rationally, I have weighed the Pro's and Con's and checked the budget and battened down the hatches.
But I am human, so my rational brain only gets to be in charge some of the time. The rest of the time my heart is at the wheel and my emotions flood me and I'm human. And I am scared.
And that's, I think, just going to be how it is until the day I hand over my laptop and my cell phone and my laminated Employee ID and take a deep breath and walk through that door to the other side.
And see what's there.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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Elizabeth-I don't think it's flak we are sending. I think your readers (who feel like your friends) are trying to remind you that you are engaging in unproductive and even self-destructive thinking, that it isn't going to help you, and that you have to manage the fear, take control of it, before it overruns your life at a time when you cannot afford it. The comments I read are overwhelmingly loving and supportive, but at the same time trying to help you to a better place. One of the telltale signs of depression is what I call 'wallowing,' when one sits in misery unable to garner any strength or energy for productive change. I know whereof I write: I was married to a man who had clinical depression for a long time. I emailed you privately to offer to share with you you some of the concerns I had for you based on your writings, and some coping strategies I developed through time and pain, hoping to help you avoid or at least navigate more easily through this part, which I was pretty sure would be inevitable. I didn't want to post anything too intimate about you OR me on the comment section. You never responded, which, of course, was completely your choice to make. But now that you are at this stage of the game, it's all hitting the fan and the fact is that you don't have confidence in your husband. You are afraid to lean on him with all your weight. Don't think he doesn't sense it. You are afraid about 'what if it happens again' and 'what if I'm burning a bridge (at Mega) that I could need later' and 'could I go through it (the depressive episode) again if I have to' and so on. It seems to me that you have thought this decision through fairly thoroughly and the choice to leave Mega is a solid one. I trust that it was a mutual decision between you and CD. You still (as I & others have commented before) have lots of other options for consulting work, part time work, other transitional-career work which you could easily balance with taking care of Bear and your home and help contribute financially with far less stress and pressure than you have been experiencing at Mega. You are closing the door at Mega, but not the door to your entire professional life. I believe it is very important for you to work your hardest at keeping the stress level down as much as possible, at pushing the rational part of your brain to the forefront, giving your emotions a firm talking to and sending panic packing down the street. The panic and spiraling fearful thoughts aren't good for you, Bear, or CD. Your fear about his depression only serves to remind him of the past and reinforce any uncertainties he has about the future as well.
This change is scary, it is unknown, to be sure. But I would recommend a lot of positive team self talk, lots of 'we're in this together' and 'we can make it.'
The fact is, no one knows what the future holds- there are lots of unpredictable wild cards that life throws at us along the way. But you'll deal with them as they come - you can't possibly anticipate or plan for all of them ahead of time. And if you enter into the unknown with more fear than confidence, it will be that much harder.
There's some old musical (maybe The King and I?) with a song about "Whenever I feel afraid..." and while VERY corny, it has a good catchy message. Might help as a little mantra. And at this point in time, every positive helpful upbeat reassuring message will add a little bit until you beat back the darkness and dance in the light. Not denial, just choosing to focus on other parts of the truth, the positive parts (of which there are many) not the negative ones (of which there are many as well).
You can do it. No flak here, just a reminder of what's really true. Keep writing, keep reading your comments. There are lots of good words of support and encouragement here.
Posted by: Amy at January 06, 2006 12:22 PM (XQOEH)
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E- I've been reading your blog since introduced by a friend (quite a while ago, mostly lurking)... not only do I admire your strength on almost a daily basis, I admire your emotional well being. You are in tune with yourself in a way I wish I was.
What you have provided during CD's illness is so admirable. It's time to breath deep, relax and let him take over for a while... if it doesn't work, you are a resourceful woman who will do what you need to if the time comes. Don't doubt your decision to leave Mega. You'll be fine. It may not be easy, but if things get hard, it'll work out. Just have faith.
Know there is a huge network of people out here that may be able to help if times get rough.
Enjoy Bear while you can, kids grow too fast.
Posted by: Amanda at January 06, 2006 02:28 PM (nsXpE)
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Elizabeth,
I can't imagine what you're going through right now and I'm not sure if I would have the strength to do what you're doing. If I was you, I would probably require the Tums distribution truck to stop at my house in the morning and I would be having to have a *few* glasses of wine to get myself to sleep. The stress you're going through must be unreal! Once I just THOUGHT about leaving my job and I couldn't sleep.
I'm here cheering you on. Here's to walking through that door and finding out what's on the other side. No one could walk through this without fear. You are BRAVE, girl.
Rhonda
Posted by: Rhonda at January 06, 2006 02:56 PM (x5Z6s)
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No flak here.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression four years ago. I fight it every day.
I will only reiterate that you can lean together. And some day soon, I hope you'll look back upon this time and. . .well, not laugh, but remember the time you learned to trust your instincts.
Hang in there. You are loved.
{{{{{{{{{ E }}}}}}}}}}
Posted by: Margi at January 06, 2006 03:31 PM (nwEQH)
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And can I assume he is under treatment for depression?
I have a related mood disorder. It sucks to be depressed, it sucks worse when people around me do not understand how very very bad it gets and that I can't just snap out of it...BUT with treatment I don't have to fall back in the pit.
Practicallly speaking, I also recommend to both of you that you get into an exercise regimen. It combats stress and is a natural antidepressant as well. I do it as part of my wellness strategy, and it really helps.
You are gonna be fine. And getting away from your job's bullcrap will certainly help!
Posted by: Bunny at January 07, 2006 01:00 AM (O/MIA)
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I'm with Amy! This is also a "flak free" post!I've also been lurking on this site because I have lived through so much of what you have and at my critical breaking point, made similar decisions. I also sense that you have lost the vision and the confidence in your own skills and as I said in an earlier post are spiraling down into a pit of indecision and self doubt. Once trapped, it seems impossible to get out and there seem to be no options available...everydoor is locked or every hallway leads no where. DON'T DO WHAT I DID...I totally cut off all my friends and most of my family because they "didn't understand what I was going through" and I felt betrayed by their loving advice and strategies. I didn't realize until just recently as we have been going through our financial hell that they all DID know some of the agonies I was living with. People may not be in the very same situation that you or I are in, but they ALL have the same life changing decisions that need to be made and experience the same darkness of the soul that you are in now.
If you can't rely on your husband for the emotional support you need due to his own issues, strength the "safety net" elsewhere....rely on your friends, your family, your blog community. You are not cutting him out and you are not betraying any relationship but you are creating an emotional network that you can use when you need it. In many cases of clinical depression, the patient feels that they can not meet the expectations and wants of their partner which pushes them even farther into the depths of their despair. As Amy said, he can sense your concerns about his condition and I'm sure in his dark nights that is causing him to question his ability to meet the demands of this situation.
As I sat in my shower crying one day because I felt that I couldn't take one more thing on the plate God gave me, I happened to really listen what was on the radio. It was a beautiful flute trio by Beethoven and as a musician, that was my epiphany. Here was a man who lost it all, his hearing, his friends, his livlihood. He was in a depression, cut off all his communications with friends and family and was on the point of suicide but yet, lived his dream and created works of such beauty, they live today. I began to fill my life with music and poetry to keep the goblins away. Even though my heart was breaking and every day was a challange just to struggle through, I kept performing and singing to elevate my soul. I treasured every moment with my son and created new traditions to drive the demons away which we did as a family. I reread the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling to keep my ballast, I prayed and meditated to stabilize my soul...not hours and hours but just a moment here and a few minutes there. I paused to look at the beauty around me and moved out of myself into the world. I practiced random acts of kindess just to get a "Thank you" from strangers and kept smiling through tears.
You are talented, articulate, bright, and caring. These qualities will enable you to move through this crisis with grace. There are so many options available to you,...if you can't see that, write down all your skills and then beside them write a possibility for employment on YOUR terms. Treasure what you have, including these posts from caring cyber friends because we have been in the place you are and want to help you out of this dark space as fast as we can.
All of our prayers and hopes are with you....we are your friends!
Posted by: janeye at January 07, 2006 01:07 AM (699j1)
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I've been where you are, though *I* was the one who was depressed. I also had an anxiety disorder that was caused by an organic problem with my brain chemistry. I got it under control with medication, lifestyle changes and a lot of support. Things are normal now and better than ever, with no meds. However, it was a long while before my husband felt "safe", felt that the "cure" was working and permanent. Being depressed is hellish and being the support person in that relationship with someone who's depressed is just as hellish.
It sounds to me like you are drained dry, emotionally, tired and scared. That is all normal and how anyone would be feeling in your shoes.
When our first child was 2 and I was pregnant with our 2nd child, both my husband and I turned down very lucrative, high powered jobs. We didn't want to live in Manhattan and we wanted to spend time with our kids, rather than at work. We made the decision to work at much lower-paying, more flexible and family friendly jobs. My husband manages a fine wine store and I'm a preschool teacher 5 mornings a week. We had a similar panic reaction about how in the world we were going to live on less than half our combined salaries.
Now we're a family of five, living on not that much more than when we switched jobs. It works, though. We live by the budget, we've paid off about $5,000 in debt in the past 2 years and I don't think we lack anything we really need. We don't have big screen tv's, ipods or too many other "toys". We do have lots of family time, family movie and game nights, lots of time volunteering at our kids' school and many really good memories for us and our kids.
The stuff we thought we couldn't live without? We don't miss it.
Try www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com for some budgeting advice. That site turned our finiancial lives around a year ago.
Posted by: paige at January 07, 2006 04:57 AM (pjrvp)
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Your posts make me breathless because I feel like I'm living through this with you. You are an AMAZING writer.
I don't have any advice. I just believe in you and your ability. With all my heart. I just really believe that you have the talent (not to mention the business savvy) to achieve your heart's desire.
Hang in there!
Posted by: Lucinda at January 07, 2006 06:00 AM (OPvIN)
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Elizabeth - there are no guarantees in life. None. Not one. Ever. You think when you fall in love and get married, that this is forever, life is set, we're going to walk down the golden path together. You know that's not true, you've been there. Enough to know this when you and CD got married.
You couldn't predict that he would become clinically depressed or that you would recognize it when he did, you've fought hard for this life with him that you have. You couldn't predict that you'd have high blood pressure when you were a carefree 20 year old but here you are at 40 with high blood pressure. You couldn't predict you would have a beautiful 5 year old Bear when you were pregnant and immediately sent to a high risk pregnancy practice. There is no way to solve the vague problems of the future rolling around in your brain. As Uncle Mike once very sagely told me, things never turn out as awful as your imagination thinks they will. Breath.
Yes, looking at life after MEGA looks scarey and foggy. Things will change, some for the better ... no more a##hole bosses or clients for that matter. Less money and living on a much tighter budget for another. BUT it's only a job and there will be other jobs out there when you need to have another job. Betcha you could probably find another job with comparable pay and benefits within six weeks if you really put your mind to it. You have chosen to step off this corporate path onto another path because you are choosing a different way to find peace and harmony that being a coporate slave to the MEGA companies of the world cannot offer you. Worrying about what may or may not happen is not a solution to what ails your psyche. Change the way you are looking at this as a celebration ofwhat is to come.
Take a big red marker and tomorrow write a bit V on the sunday day of the calendar, on Monday write a big I, C on Tuesday, T on Wednesday, O on Thursday, R on Friday and Y on Saturday. Victory! Start humming the victory song while you work, gonna get my butt right outta here inless than two weeks. Every time someone at MEGA makes a request just tell them you'll do your best but your last day is XXXX. Better yet ask them who you are turning over your duties to so you can meet with that person to brief them. Hum that victory song of leaving for a better,calmer and happier life.
love - autie marfa
Posted by: Auntie Marfa at January 07, 2006 10:34 AM (/qtT1)
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I too suffer from clinical depression, which is must recently renamed, major depression. This is major alright. It has claimed some good years of my life and casted a doubt of the future years of my life. I take daily mediciation now, but it's a day to day s truggle. The stringent rules of life keep me from going over the edge, I want to, really, honestly. It's just too expensive, I'm the only one working in my household and I carry all the weight of everything. The medical benefits are my most important thing, since I have depression, it isn't cheap to treat. Honestly, now that I know I've suffered from this since college, I cannot go back. The days were to dark. The nights were too short, the slience went on for too long.
You are not doing your husband any favors by hiding this. My family doesn't know I suffer, becaue I cannot bring myself to talk about it.
So, it's great for me to be 900 miles away from my family because I can suffer in private. Depression has robbed me of my confidence, my esteem and some friendships. It makes me scared, vunerable, and basically scared to death.
I want to quit my job every day, but I have to suck it up and stay silent, for my family needs me. I need them. It's ten fold.
You can always begin looking for work at another mega if your scared you'll miss the stress and drama. Really, it's over rated. It's funny with financial problems, we had to hit rockbottom, face foreclosure on our house and move to realize we were on the brink of disaster. You can live on less money, but you cannot let your soul go bankrupt. Bear will love you either way. He can go without extras, just as we can for the sake of sanity.
Good Luck in Your Journey. Have you pursued any mental health support for yourself?
ANother Jen
Posted by: another jennifer at January 07, 2006 12:46 PM (UX26V)
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Nice post. I'm root'n for ya!
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at January 07, 2006 01:10 PM (L67iN)
Posted by: flikka at January 08, 2006 11:17 AM (puvdD)
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Elizabeth,
I am on your side. You are not alone. The road ahead is full of possiblities, both good and bad. There are a lot of people cheering for you. There is a lot of hope, but that doesn't make it any less scary.
I don't have any advice that you haven't heard before. But I want you to know that I am here and thinking of you and CD and Bear.
Posted by: Laura at January 08, 2006 01:50 PM (FzMzF)
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That's very hard. I have wondered for awhile what he had. Thank you for sharing it. I think it is helpful to others to hear about these type of struggles (although I know it's not your point or problem to help the rest of us along.)
Maybe mega could just switch you to another dept with a reasonable boss? Maybe it's too late for that...
Good, good luck. You'll find your way.
Posted by: Krisco at January 08, 2006 08:00 PM (xksTj)
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Elizabeth, I hate that all of you had to go through this, I'm so happy that CD is so much better now.
I BELIEVE that this will be better. It sounds so scary, understandably so, but I believe it will be wonderful too.
Hugs, and happy new year. May this year bring you buckets of joy, love, and good health.
Posted by: halloweenlover at January 09, 2006 08:18 AM (cdEd4)
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You are braver than you think.....and I am awed by it.
Posted by: cursingmama at January 10, 2006 06:32 AM (PoQfr)
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January 04, 2006
Waiting to Exhale
I have never felt like this before in my life.
Years ago, I got on a plane for England. I had no plan. No idea what was coming next. Just a lifelong dream to walk along the streets of somewhere else, sunk deep in history and, maybe, the future too.
But even then, I felt grounded in myself. I knew God was close. In each new day, in the kiss of a stranger or in the breeze over the ruins of a castle. There was a sense that I was chasing my destiny and from that, everything was going to be all right.
Ambiguity and uncertainty are unsettling bedmates, but my internal compass kept me going.
Everything was going to be all right.
I don't know that anymore. I don't know that Bear's challenges are going to be met and conquered. I don't know that I will fall back in love with my husband. I don't know if he can support us, when all the evidence tells me different. I don't know that I should quit. I know my son needs me. But I don't know how. Damn it, I don't know everything. I don't know anything.
I don't know.
All my life, I have built up my confidence. Brick by brick. By faith. By love. By strength when I didn't know I had any. Until I was accused of suffering of an overabundance of it.
But now, now I am deflated and sad and scared.
I don't know.
I was talking with my manager today, and I just said bluntly look - the deadline on this next milestone is being moved back and while it seems reasonable - hey, I just want out of here.
Yeah, he said. Yeah, he understood.
These past 6 months have shattered more than my career. This series of bad bosses and bad assignments have shattered me. Until I want to claw at my own insides, trying to shake myself awake because this feels like a long, dim sleep.
I got on a plane with no money once, no idea, but sure I was headed towards my life.
I walk into the doors of my home now, and I can't find my life anywhere.
I think I've made a decision, but I don't know if it is the right one. I want to be Bear's mother, to help him and parent him and love him - instead, I feel his small arm around me. His eyes grow quiet.
Hey Bear, I say - don't you worry about all this. I'm the mommy, it's my job to make this all right.
You're the mommy, he says. And we're a family.
And I hold him, and cry, and try not to. Because he's so little and this is nothing he should feel responsible for. He deserves better, but I don't know how to give it to him. I've been doing it all, which means I've been doing it all badly - because even though he thinks I am - I'm not a superhero.
And I want to stroke his hair and promise, that everything is going to be all right.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
05:29 PM
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1
I'm going to say two things, neither of which I have any right to say, as a complete stranger, but I hope you'll listen anyway.
1. You're screwed up right now. Please don't make any serious decisions until you feel more in control of yourself. Just go with the flow until you find a place to stand.
2. It's ok for your kid to give you support. It's what we do for the people we love. Instinctively. He's holding on to you because he knows you need it, even if he doesn't know why. Let him love you, and CD too. That's what you need. Just let him know you love him too. And you'll do the same for him.
I'm here for you, anytime if you need a vent.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 04, 2006 06:12 PM (uI/79)
2
Darlin' NO ONE has the answers! That's what life's all about!
The key is to do what's right at the time; and from everything I know you are doing exactly that. So Bear and CD's existences will not be "perfect," (whateverinhell THAT is) you are doing what is right for your health and mental well-being.
And from there, you take things one step at a time, one day at a time, hell, ONE HOUR at at time if need be.
And CTG is right for sure about one thing: That's what FAMILIES do. They lean together.
You are absolutely right to be scared but be scared together. You. Are. Not. Alone.
That said: I sure wish I could give you a hug. So this'll have to do for now.
{{{{{{{{ E }}}}}}}}}
God doesn't close a door without opening a window. BREATHE.
Posted by: Margi at January 04, 2006 06:28 PM (nwEQH)
3
I'm with caltechgirl! You are working yourself into a descending spiral of self doubt and incrimination You keep looking at the "Don'ts"..we don't have the needed income to support us, I don't know what I will be doing next, I don't know if I will be able to give my son all he needs..I don't know if I still love my husband and if he will be there to support me...FORGET ALL THAT! Look what you do have...you do have skills and talents that can be used to work on a large variety of things that clients will pay you for....get into that Rolodex baby and look at your contacts and see what you CAN DO for them to create a part time job that YOU can control as a consultant. Not sure if you have had to sign a non compete or not, but you DO have talents and skills that are marketable. You DO have the time to help Bear with with his educational issues...you DO love your husband at this moment in time...these are the things that COUNT!!!!!
Don't make the same mistake I did with my son...telling him everything is OK as he could sense the tension in the house, the stress in my face. Don't candy coat Bear's world with the "everything is perfect" facade...that is the worst disservice you can do to him. You were honest and forthright and gave him the confidence that though there are problems and worries, you are together as a family and will work it out...remember love conquers all!
Hang in there...take it from one who knows what it is to lose almost everything! Keep looking for the positive in everything and take a proactive role in where you are taking your life...getting stuck in the "don'ts" is destructive..so DO take stock of what you have on a daily basis...you are richer than you think in both money and emotions!
Good luck and my prayers are with you!
Posted by: janeye at January 04, 2006 11:37 PM (699j1)
4
I can imagine how you must feel right now.
Please try to take things one day at a time. Don't look too far into your future.
And what's the worst that could happen financially? What if you had to move into an apartment? Scale down? Would you be less happy as a family? Some of my happiest times were when I was poorest. I imagine the same is true for you, too. You and your husband are smart and can at least keep your family afloat for a while, even if it's not on the scale to which you're accustomed.
Believe in yourself. In your ability, your talent, your intellect and your heart. You can make it. It won't be easy, but you can do it.
Posted by: Lucinda at January 05, 2006 03:46 AM (OPvIN)
5
I am so sick of companies which drain their employees' self esteem. I've seen it happen too many times and had it happen to myself a few years back. You have so many talents, lots of brains, and could do so much that is worthwhile, even part-time. I agree with Janeye that you should focus on all you can do. You may not be able to start rebuilding your confidence until you are out of Mega (15 days the ticker says!), but once the negative is gone, you can focus on the positive and move forward. Think of it as a rebirth, new chapter, new beginning, etc. The possibilites are endless.
Posted by: Kinda Cousin at January 05, 2006 05:42 AM (gDEwS)
6
I've never commented before (I think) and I don't know if I should say this or not, but is it not possible for you to take a sabbatical instead of quitting Mega?
Posted by: plumpernickel at January 05, 2006 08:10 AM (EmI3M)
7
You're more than the star and author of your own life story. How you tell your tale reveals whether you see yourself as victim or victor, even when your story veers from the life you lived. You're also the spin master. Get on with your life and the positive parts of it, Mega is history in a short time so stop throwing yourself a pity party, celebrate the end of one chapter and get ready to open the next page on a new chapter, whatever that is. It will be exciting.
Posted by: Uknowwho at January 05, 2006 09:19 AM (/qtT1)
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My heart goes out to you. Trust in yourself, and keep your eyes on Bear...he's the reason in your life.
Posted by: Tammy at January 05, 2006 09:27 AM (M++hX)
9
E., I think you're clinging to Mega, not because you want to or because it means anything to your essence, but because it is the only thing that seems certain at this point. Just because it is certain does not mean that it is good. You have wanted out of Mega for a long time. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Trust your prayers and your faith.
Above all, remember that nothing is written in stone. So, if you get to June and it becomes clear that CD's income is not cutting it - then you get *another job* - the one that you're meant to have at that time. If you get to June and you and CD are not back in love (Lord KNOWS I know what you're talking about here, sister - and can I tell you that I have really moved forward in a positve way with my DH? - SO IT CAN HAPPEN) - well, you'll deal with that then.
You don't have to have all the answers now.
Focus on all of the positive things that are going to come out of this move. Don't think about the negative until something actually comes along, and until then, just know that you will deal with it, just as you ALWAYS have!
You're going to be fine. Everything - every little thing - happens for a reason. Trust & believe!
Posted by: Monica C. at January 05, 2006 09:32 AM (gkN3L)
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Elizabeth,
You're making the right decision. My son is now 20 years old. From the time he was an infant, right until pre-school, he was in somebody else's care during the day. This was purely an economic decision. But if I had to do it over again, I would stay home with him, or have my wife stay home with him. As it was, on two incomes, we didn't have enough to pay the bills, but we thought we did. We could have cut back on the eating out, dry cleaning, gas and so on, and still would have been able to make it on one salary. The richest person in the world can't buy more time. Isn't the time with your son worth more than anybody can pay you in a salary? Take it from me, with 20/20 hindsight, the answer is
yes.
Posted by: Dean Lederman at January 05, 2006 09:55 AM (YCgug)
11
I don't have anything to say except to pass ont eh words my grandfather gave me when I was in the sme position as you are: "take the leap - you will always land somewhere and that somewhere can't possible be any worse than the paralysis of indecision".
Posted by: Flikka at January 05, 2006 10:49 AM (puvdD)
12
If you are wavering, go back and read the last years worth of posts. It is hard to think about giving up the financial security right now, and I can't imagine how scary. I'm not sure what your religious leanings are, but prayer is a wonderful thing, as is the ability to put things in God's hands that we have no control over.
You made a very thoughtful decision, one that took your son's best interests to heart.
It will be all right.
Posted by: rose at January 05, 2006 12:43 PM (Ffvoi)
13
There is a lot of wisdom in the comments here.
Also? you need a rest. badly. Once you are not so physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted and you get the Mega poison out of your system, you may find it easier to get centered again.
Bear is a good kid...and he just let you know that the most important thing to him is that you are a family. Through good times and bad, you have each other.
Big hugs for all of you. I have faith that you will find your way.
Posted by: laura at January 05, 2006 04:26 PM (FzMzF)
14
Ditto to Monica and laura - you
don't have to have all of the answers and you
do need this coming rest.
I can only imagine how scary this is for you, and so I'm not going to speak about what you can do, or what may happen. I will say that I *know* that you need this. That I don't think Bear is frightened for himself in this, but that he wants to show you his love because he's a perceptive kid who can tell this is hard.
And that you have a bunch of folks who are out here supporting you. If you need that support to take any particular form, just give a yell. It's hard ... and that's why you don't need to do it alone.
Posted by: alice at January 05, 2006 08:31 PM (k0bLs)
15
E,
The feelings you are describing come from loosing touch with yourself. You don't know yourself anymore because you don't want to face the truth. When you deny the truth, you deny yourself and you get deeper and deeper into despair.
If I can help you in anyway, I am always here for you. Hugs.
Posted by: Eyes for Lies at January 06, 2006 04:15 AM (L67iN)
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January 03, 2006
Down in the Mines
All my thoughts today are with the families and friends of the miners trapped below.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
06:21 AM
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Me too.
As it happens, I've been listening to the audiobook of Last Man Out, which is about a 1958 mine collapse. How little these things change.
Posted by: Elizabeth at January 03, 2006 07:48 AM (v+q53)
2
Yes. I have been thinking of them intermittedly (sp?) all yesterday and today.
Posted by: Robin at January 03, 2006 03:04 PM (4iJ3P)
3
What a way for it to end. My heart goes out to these families and the emotional roller coaster ride they have been enduring.
Posted by: Rhonda at January 04, 2006 04:23 AM (3vFfp)
4
Such a sad story. It makes me think about all the laborers; miners, construction workers, etc, who do dangerous work to provide services and goods to the rest of us.
Their families could not have heard about it in a worse way.
Posted by: Laura at January 04, 2006 04:34 PM (FzMzF)
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January 01, 2006
Hang on tight, it's going to be bumpy ride...
So our bookkeeper sent us a lovely email message wishing us a new year and reminding us, gently, that people who are about to slash their incomes in less than half probably shouldn't be running a grand over their weekly budget.
*long, terrified gasp*
Although I HAD scheduled my freak-out for next week, I think I am going to have to start now.
*running in circles and waving my hands in the air*
Which, I must point out, is VERY inconvenient because I had really intended this week to kick off my 12-step Nyquil Anonymous meetings.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
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1
Ever hear of voluntary simplicity? Yeah, not something to get interested in right before the holidays.
Hugs to you and your involuntary simplicity. And Happy New Year. To the best year of your life.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz at January 01, 2006 01:28 PM (T/CTF)
2
One day at a time, Elizabeth. One day at a time.
Dare I wish you a happy new year? I do.
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 01, 2006 02:35 PM (uI/79)
3
A freak-out seems to be an appropriate response. Big hugs for you....this is a scary transition.
Nyquil is my freind too. Although for a nasty cough I have discovered Mucinex DM to be my better friend. It is over the counter but you may have to have them unlock the glass cabinet to get it out. I hope you are feeling better. This sure is a nasty bug going around.
Posted by: laura at January 01, 2006 05:01 PM (FzMzF)
4
Ouch, big cuts ahead, ouch. Turn down the blasted thermostate to 62 and turn it down to 55 at night. Wear sweaters and wool socks. Trust me when I tell you that you'll see a big savings right away. I saved $140.00 in oil last month by doing those simple things. Also turn the lights off. No light on except in the room you're in, my electric bill went down $25.00 a month.
Auntie Marfa (who's income dropped 70% in June)
Posted by: Autie Marfa at January 02, 2006 06:31 AM (/qtT1)
5
Oh, man, happy new year... hang in there!
Posted by: ben at January 02, 2006 06:37 AM (M1nT3)
6
The thermostat down to 62?? Good Lord. I guess that's what it will take. Might I suggest Ramen? I used to live on $10 the last week of every month when I was in college. I had a little bit of a problem with balancing my budget.
You could also go back to dial-up... HA HA HA! Just kidding.
Posted by: Lucinda at January 02, 2006 08:19 AM (OPvIN)
7
Old accountant joke, about the guy that was trying to hire an accountant, and tested them each with documents.
He finally hired the guy that when he asked "how much money profit do we have?" replied "how much do you want it to be?"
I know this doesn't help any, but maybe it'll give you something to chuckle about while waving your arms. Helps me.
Posted by: ben at January 03, 2006 10:25 AM (M1nT3)
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