November 18, 2004
Tick Tock
As Mindy (of "
The Mommy Blog" fame) put it so well in a recent
DotMom post:
I find myself frantically groping for some solid and instructive point of reference. I need something that doesn't give when I ask it to support some of my weight.
I feel so fragile and alone. As I responded to an email (or two) today - I'm reacting by being curled up in a ball under my desk.
It's amazing and encouraging that so many people who have been through this too - and found ways to make it work. I can't begin to explain how much all the kindness you've shown me has helped.
Since a series of major events about four years ago, we have been stuggling between periods of improvement, even joy, and periods of pain. In the times of pain, such as now, CD pushes me away to this "parental pedestal".
And as so many of you suggested, yes - we are getting help. It's just not... well, helping.
He's still on his business trip. I'm still home with Bear. He and I need to make some major paradigm shifts and get back to being partners. Ultimately, the decision rests with CD. I am praying that his heart leads him to join me at the table - so we can stop fighting each other and start fighting for us.
This isn't about love. I have always loved him. This is about life.
So now I'm waiting. And, yes, spending a little too much time curled up in a ball under my desk. And praying. Praying a lot.
Tick. Tock.
Posted by: Elizabeth at
11:33 AM
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1
I've been there a few times in my 10 year marriage. We always get through somehow. There have been times when I've thought that we should get professional help and I have a feeling there will be a time when we follow that route. No marriage is perfect and life sometimes throws things at you that you did not expect when you were standing and taking your vows and feeling perfectly optimistic about everything. Good luck to you.
Posted by: Laura at November 18, 2004 03:04 PM (R+HFl)
2
Elizabeth, is there any way for you and CD to take a break, drop off Mr. Bear at one of his fans (and let them spoil the heck out of him), and enjoy a change of venue? This may help in expanding perspective, consciousness. Do you guys have a favorite (adult) getaway? I know it's not a quick fix, but it sounds like there's blockage requiring breakthrough, and freedom from the familiar may trigger a little of that. As always, many blessings to you...
Posted by: GraceD at November 19, 2004 01:44 AM (YBuTr)
3
Elizabeth, just remember...the sun needs the rain for a rainbow to be. May you find your rainbow soon.
Posted by: Fredette at November 19, 2004 03:49 AM (QhI+Z)
4
If I could I'd come. With Vodka! And curl under the desk with you until you felt like you could come out again.
Email me if you need anything at all. Really.
Thinking of you!!
Posted by: Michele at November 19, 2004 04:08 AM (PGRfL)
5
I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have any brilliant advice to share, but wanted to let you know that I'm here reading and "listening" and thinking about you and your loved ones. I'm glad that you've got good girlfriends who salvaged your birthday.
I don't know how this bad spell ties in with your thoughts about having another child. Children conceived to "save their parents' marriage" rarely do.
Good luck.
Posted by: Elizabeth at November 19, 2004 07:35 AM (ddJoe)
6
I'm glad he is just on a business trip and not gone. I was concerned from the post above this one that he had moved out. I agree with you that you have to work it out and I'm sorry you feel so alone.
Posted by: RP at November 19, 2004 07:36 AM (LlPKh)
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